


i found

by briggs



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Hate to Love, High School Enemies, I haven't decided yet, Lots of Original Characters - Freeform, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, bear with me they're in love i promise, but philip is too kind of?, lukas is a giant asshole i'm so sorry, no murder!AU, no one is dead except lukas' mom!AU, the type of slow that even makes me antsy, you guessed it folks ryan kane gets to eat his own ass somewhere that ISNT HERE!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 61,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briggs/pseuds/briggs
Summary: Nothing new is good in small towns. Lukas has always hated change from a young age, and while he's convinced himself he loves the little town of Tivoli, a certain someone has come in to ruin everything. Some pretentious city kid is new to their school, and trust him if no one else, Lukas hates the guy more than anyone.He also can't seem to get away from him.ORthe enemies to lovers fic no one asked for





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay, a few notes to start us off:
> 
> this is my first time "writing on the fly" as i call it. i usually write all my fics and finish them before i start posting, whether they're chaptered or not, but hoooooo boy i am throwing that out the window. things may be messy, i don't really have a committed beta at this point, so please bear with me. if you see continuity flaws or anything else, it would be GREATLY appreciated if you could point them out to me either in the comments or in an ask to my tumblr.
> 
> ALSO, often times it takes a couple hundred words before i really get into my groove, and because of school i haven't had a TON of time to write recently. just?? idk be merciful i guess i'm trying my best. i have absolutely NOT A CLUE how long this fic is going to be, either in chapters or word count. trust me when i say writing on the fly is new for me.
> 
> that being said, updates will not be regular in any way, shape or form. i'm going to do my best to put them out weekly, but there are no guarantees. ONCE AGAIN, if you feel like it, you can always use the comments or tumblr to motivate me. i check both almost obsessively.
> 
> lastly, title is taken from a song of the same name by Amber Run. i listen to that and slip by elliot moss while writing philkas all the time, makes me cry. i'm serious, you should definitely listen to both songs.
> 
> enjoy!

Lukas’ life has always been fine. More than fine, actually.

 

There’s never been much excitement to it, but that’s never bugged him before. He likes his small town, he gets along fine with his dad most of the time, he’s got Rose. He’s popular at school, he’s getting by in his classes, and he’s stellar in motocross. That’s all there is to it, right? He has his ticket out of the town -- should he ever want one, and he’s pretty sure he never has and never will -- and he doesn’t need more than that. Rose makes him happy. His friends are good enough, and what else could he possibly need from life? There’s nothing more he could want. His life is interesting enough on it’s own and he’s fine with the small town -- so when any excitement comes, he’s instinctively unhappy about it. 

 

It’s not Lukas’ fault if he has bad feelings toward the idea of change. His life had stayed the same from years 0-9, and he was the happiest kid you could find. But when he was almost ten years old, his world finally came crashing down around him with the first big change he had ever experienced: his mom’s death. Obviously, that was not the best time in Lukas’ life. 

 

He doesn’t remember much from when his mom was still alive, but he does know that the days after her death were probably the worst of his life. She had been his best friend, he knows that, and his dad didn’t handle it too well, either. They spent days on end eating the same shitty take out over and over because Bo didn’t know how to cook, and Lukas spent most nights alone while his father was at work. There was a period of time where they just didn’t speak -- almost two weeks -- never saying anything above a simple four-word question or one-word answer. He locked himself in his room for hours on end and couldn’t eat a lot of the time. He remembers his father didn’t really know what to with him because Lukas just kept smashing things, couldn’t stop until he found another vice: motocross.

 

If that’s your first experience changing your lifestyle, the subsequent ones are bound to consistently be met with skepticism and a cold attitude.

 

And if some of that has simply become a part of Lukas’ personality, well, it’s not exactly his fault.

 

That’s not always how it goes, though; sometimes his dad buys him a new bike or he and Rose go closer to the city for a date than usual, and that's exciting. That's entertaining. But most changes are bad. When the school got rid of the cheerleading outfits in favour of band uniforms, when the new Sheriff comes into town and actually  _ arrests him _ for speeding? Bad changes. When his mom died, when his dad was thinking about selling the farm? Awful changes.

 

And when the new kid moves in: even worse than the first two at least, with the potential to be close to the second pair when Lukas thinks about it long enough.

 

The new kid shows up a month and a week or so into the school year, all dark hair and full lips. He looks like the type of guy to roll his eyes at rugby players (the sport of choice for popular boys at Red Hook) and (former) cheerleaders. The type dead set on being an outcast, because God forbid anyone actually like him if it means talking about meaningless bullshit all the time. Lukas has played the game his entire life (and done a good job of it if he does say so himself) so for this kid to waltz in and assume he’s above Lukas -- because he doesn’t know how to submit, admit defeat and grovel -- is fucking insulting. The kid clearly thinks he’s superior because he’s never been to a field party, and Lukas, for some reason, wants to prove him that he’s wrong.

 

All of that from a two minute long glare Lukas gives the Newbie as he walks to his locker on his first day. Lukas shakes his head, turning with a smile back to Rose, who is so much less irritating than this new boy. He hasn’t heard a word Rose has said the whole time, but that’s the great thing about small towns and having Rose for a girlfriend: it doesn’t really matter. It’s probably about one of three things: parties, new couples, or homework. He can smile and nod and zone out and manage not to miss much in the conversation.

 

When he focuses back in on her speaking, though, he’s met with a surprise. She’s talking about the new kid, who she’s now staring at, and Lukas feels a twist in his chest that he marks down as ‘jealousy.’ “I wonder where he came from,” She says, and Lukas wants to tell her to shut up, that it doesn’t matter, that he doesn’t care anyway.

 

But then the rest of their group of friends join in, and over the course of the day Lukas hears conversations from a ridiculous amount of people can’t seem to focus on anything else. This is why Lukas  _ hates _ change, and, by proxy, hates the new boy.

 

It's disturbing. Everyone in the school seems to flock to him without flocking to him. They all want to talk about him, the  _ new kid _ , but no one seems to actually want to talk  _ to _ him. It’s frustrating, and infuriating, and frankly Lukas is over it. He finds himself feeling antsy for the day they all finally get bored of this scrawny asshole and move on with their lives, go back to talking about what they used to. Namely, boring shit like who’s dating who and who’s having a party on the weekend and why the Calculus homework seems like it’s in a different language. That’s what Lukas misses -- the second the new kid becomes old news, it’ll be the happiest day of his whole semester. Everything will finally go back to normal, and Lukas will be content knowing the freak of a city boy shoved upstate never had an impact on his life.

 

But that first day the new kid walked in, Lukas had the briefest moment, a fleeting premonition that shit was about to hit the fan. That maybe, with the first step that boy took into the school,  _ Lukas’ _ school, things were going to change for him forever. 

 

There was no doubt, even from the first day, that the boy with the tousled brown hair was a city kid -- if they couldn’t see it from his clothes, they all saw it in his face, in the way he pretended he might be able to escape the crowd or go unnoticed.  It was clear he was a city kid almost solely by the way that he didn’t come in with a shining smile on his face; everyone in a small town would have known that would be a death sentence in a new school, but poor Prettyboy didn’t know. You see, everyone knows everyone in small-town schools, so you have to be as likeable as possible, but clearly Newbie missed the memo. He thought he could scrape by, hating everyone and keeping to himself and be fine. He thought his leather jacket could protect him.

 

Lukas knew better. Lukas knew Newbie wouldn’t last very long at all, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. That first day, he had sat beside Rose at lunch with the rest of his friends and started a betting pool for how long it would take poor Newbie to give up and either start skipping class, get into drugs, or run away.

 

His first bet was three days. His second bet (once the pool got higher and he couldn’t risk being wrong) was five days.

 

His friends had laughed, one of them (Austin, the one who irritates him the most) trying to out-humour him by seriously putting $10 on “two hours,” which, while funny at first, soon got old when he could no longer talk of  _ anything else _ because he was just  _ so damn funny.  _ You can't really laugh too hard at any of his jokes or it’s all he'll talk about for the next day and a half.  Another friend, Will, had put a bet on eight days -- which, after a lot of arguing, meant eight  _ school _ days, not including the weekend. Miles’ was ten, and Kyle’s was three weeks. Even Rose was in on it, though she only put down $6, and her bet was two and a half months from then, into January.

 

“I'm just saying,” Lukas says, all eyes of the group on him as he speaks, “there's no way that kid makes it into November, let alone January. He’ll be crying to change schools or move back to the city in no time.”

 

Another friend, Miles, speaks up. “Who knows, maybe he’ll be fun.” He has this smirk on his face that makes Lukas’ skin crawl, though he doesn't know why. Probably because he has it on solely to impress Lukas, the thought of which makes him feel tired. “We haven't had any new kids in a while, how long do you think he'd hold out in a fight?”

 

“Less than two hours!” Austin says, and Lukas has to fight the urge to deck him right at the lunch table. There’s a round of awkward half-laughter from everyone else in the group, but Lukas doesn’t bat an eye of approval at him, just forces the conversation to keep going so he can focus on something other than what Austin would look like if he punched him in the face. 

 

There's a weird feeling sitting in the pit of Lukas’ stomach though, so he writes it off as meat in his sandwich that was probably overdue. “I don’t want to fight him, not yet. Give him a false sense of security first,” Lukas says, and the look of admiration he gets from Miles across the table is sickening. 

 

In all honesty, Lukas isn’t usually that involved with the beating up of new or weird kids in the school. Somehow, he made it to being the leader of a group by barely harming anyone at all, and he’s kind of grateful. Not that he couldn’t do it, he’s not a pussy -- he just wouldn’t want to if he didn’t need to. He’s beaten up guys who hit on Rose, and assholes from other schools who insult his friends, but never much more than that. He doesn’t let his friends know, but he doesn’t really think it’s that much  _ fun _ . He fights when something’s upsetting him, and he fights when it’s socially required for him to. Never really much more than that, even if there’s a nerd who’s extra irritating to him. 

 

That’s why it’s weird when he suggests they wait before beating up Prettyboy. Normally he wouldn’t say anything, normally he wouldn’t care. In fact, he’s not exactly sure why he speaks up at all, but he doesn’t dwell on that thought for long. He writes it off as wanting a city kid with a superiority complex to get what’s coming to him more than anyone else, and that’s that. In fact, his face does look particularly punchable, in the way that if you punched it he’d probably break -- and when Lukas pictures him with a black eye and a split lip, he gets a feeling in his stomach he doesn’t understand. It’s not an unappealing image, in his head, but he gets the feeling that he couldn’t bear to be the one to make it a reality. The bruised-and-broken look seems to be a good one for the new kid, but the thought of actually hitting him makes Lukas a little uneasy.

 

Lukas panics, then, thinking maybe it’s weird to imagine what the boy would look like beat up, cheeks and lips red, on his knees -- and he shakes the image from his brain. He hones back in on the conversation at hand, but doesn’t add anything. He’s bought the new kid a couple days, maybe, and Lukas honestly can’t tell if he should feel good or bad about having done so.

  
  


**Austin’s bet**

 

The rest of the day continues weirdly, unsettled by the appearance of the new boy, and Lukas is in a weird mood until he goes home later that night. It’s weird that he drives home without seeing Rose, but he tells her he’s tired and actually wants to get some homework done, and that’s it. 

 

It’s when Lukas is at home and back in bed that he realized how weird his mood really is, because he can’t seem to get the new boy out of his head. Someone had mentioned his name in passing conversation earlier that day, and now it was like a tape recorder in Lukas’ head couldn’t stop repeating it over and over. 

 

“Philip.”

 

What a weird fucking name. It sounds like the name of a fifty year old uncle, Lukas thinks, before he drifts off without meaning to a couple hours before dinner. He doesn’t remember any of his dreams, though he know he had some, and when he goes back downstairs to reheat his dinner, Lukas feels unsettled all over again. 

  
  


**Lukas’ Bet (#1)**

 

After the first day, nothing in Lukas’ life at school is the same anymore. Most things remain unaffected, in reality, but his attitude doesn’t. Two hours have clearly passed, and Austin seems now overly concerned that he wasted $10 on his idiotic bet, though he receives sympathy from approximately no one.

 

Lukas’ first bet of three days comes, fucks him up, leaves him high and dry.

 

The first day Philip arrived at the school, he hadn’t attended many of his classes, instead being lead around by the Vice Principal on a guided tour because no student was even a little bit willing to take over. They’re supposed to have procedures, ways to force the students to greet the new kid and show them where they shouldn’t hang out if they want to keep their Broken Nose Counter at zero, but in a small town, the Principal can’t really be bothered more than any of the rest of them. Hell, even the secretary turns down the request, or so Lukas hears from some random kid trying to get his approval in the hallway. You can’t actually trust a word that comes out of their mouths, not kids like that, but it’s funny, so Lukas allows himself a laugh anyway as he walks away. 

 

The new kid’s second day at school, there had been a routine practice fire drill during homeroom, and an assembly at the end of the day, so he hadn’t gotten to most of his classes then, either. It was the classic anti-bullying spiel they get every year, Lukas heard later from someone once he got back from skipping. He could never sit through those things -- they made him antsy, anxious, irritated; though he never told his friends, he always left to go for a bike ride. 

 

Lukas knows all of this because finally, on the third day, the day Philip finally gets to most of his classes -- Lukas gets the fun surprise of realizing he’s in them. They have the same homeroom, the same third period and the same fourth. And once Philip sits down in his seat, Lukas comes to the slow, aching realization that it’s going to be like that until January. 

 

At almost every one of the classes, Philip instinctively sits at the back. Lukas is comforted by the fact that he’s pretty popular, arguably the most popular in his grade, so all the seats around him are taken. That’s his saving grace for day three.

 

Homeroom passes by slowly after Newbie makes his grand entrance fifteen minutes late. He had walked in, stupid messenger bag slung over one shoulder like the great, city hipster he is, and his stupid oversized leather jacket hung over one of his arms. He was wearing a grey and blue baseball tee, dark, one that hugged him in weird ways that made Lukas want to burn it. He’d never had such strong feelings for a shirt before, certainly not one he’d probably wear himself, but the hatred he felt for the boy wearing it made him want to see it in a dumpster on the side of the road. 

 

The teacher had only briefly introduced him, and once again the name “Philip” went on repeat in Lukas’ head. It slowly became infuriating, until Lukas was tapping his foot impatiently. Rose leans over from the seat beside him, putting her hand on his knee, but it did nothing to calm him. His mood turns sour, uncomfortable, and though Philip found a seat at the back of the class, behind him, Lukas can’t stop seeing his face. His cheeks, his eyebrows pulled together. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to ignore the feeling of someone’s eyes on the back of his head.

 

Class continues, though it’s distant in Lukas’ head, and mentions of Shakespeare are drowned out by his own mind, where thoughts clamour around as though he has no control of them anymore. He tries to focus on Rose’s hand, now back on his leg, but instead he feels something in his hair, worming it's way up the back of his neck and into his head. He knows it's the stare of the boy behind him, and it makes him furious. 

 

There’s no logic to it. The guy just showed up, hasn’t said more than a word to anyone, but Lukas just can’t stand him. He’s getting in the way of normalcy and has thrown off everything about Lukas’ life.

 

Eventually English ends, and he walks out hand in hand with Rose to their next class. It’s Math, something Lukas had intended to stop taking, but it’s still a mandatory class and he can’t find a way around it that doesn’t involve taking something like Photography or Drama, both of which seem unappealing to him. Theatre seems like a gateway to all the weird kids he has no intentions of talking to, plus a daily mandatory of Putting Himself Out There, which is also unappealing. Photography, though it would probably be entertaining and also pretty easy, feels like an invitation for other people to judge him on something he’s never even done for fun anyway.

 

So there he is, stuck in Math, zoning out and focusing totally on the fact that this is one of his only breaks from the new kid today. This is where he gets to pretend to be normal, he thinks, until class is over and finally the lunch period arrives.

 

Having lunch with his group of friends, for some reason, seems exhausting today. They can’t stop talking about the bet, which Lukas now regrets creating if only because now it’s an excuse to talk about Newbie all the time, which is the direct opposite of what Lukas wants out of life right now.

 

“Can we talk about something else?” He says, bored, and everyone turns to look at him. “The new kid is pissing me off, I’d rather talk about root canals.”

 

Rose looks at him with this concerned look in her eyes from beside the bench, and she puts a light hand on his own. “Are you okay, babe?” She asks, searching for something in his face that will reveal an answer for her. If she’s searching for a “no,” she’s not going to find it because he’s perfectly fine, thank you.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanna stop talking about Newbie.”

 

“We stopped talking about him a while ago,” she says to him, and then looks to the rest of the group, who nod their respective confirmation of her words. “You kind of zoned out.”

 

He sighs, rolling his eyes at all of them. “Yeah, probably because you guys talk about him so much I thought I may as well just tune it all out. Give me a break, I’m not going insane.”

 

Rose gives him a relieved laugh in return, and every other reaction from the table pretty much goes unnoticed by Lukas. There’s a hand that stays on his arm and Lukas knows it must be Rose, but once again he can’t focus his attention on it at all. He keeps scanning the lunch room for a head of brown hair, one he probably wouldn’t recognize anyway because it’s not like he’s been paying that much attention regardless. 

 

Within minutes his mind is back on the new kid again, and it just makes him want to rinse his brain out with bleach, so Lukas excuses himself to the bathroom and decides, once he’s in the hallway, that he’s going to take the long route there and back.

 

He must be going insane, no matter what he told his friends.

 

Lukas isn’t the most enthusiastic guy at the best of times. He gets excited about motocross, because it’s an awesome sport, and parties are pretty fun most of the time, and sometimes dicking around with his friends is fun. But for the most part, he doesn’t really feel emotions very strongly. Apart from his mom dying, Lukas has only ever really felt mild irritation, and even then he could ignore it for the most part anyway. To be this bothered by a guy who by chance happens to seem like a natural asshole when he waltzes into Lukas’ school is just weird. Lukas’ life is calm, he's happy, and then this guy walks in and within three days has managed to turn Lukas’ entire personality on its head. 

 

He walks slowly to the bathroom, ignoring the kids he passes in the hallway because they're all mousy-faced or strong-eyebrowed or dirty blond-haired and that's clearly not what has been occupying Lukas’ head recently. When he finally gets to the closest boys bathroom, it's quiet and empty. He sighs his relief, if only because this way no one will be suspicious of him when he stands in front of the mirrors, splashes water on his face and slaps himself once or twice.

 

He grips the edges of the porcelain sink, absently wonders if the meat in his sandwiches this week really  _ have  _ gone bad. The churning in his stomach has only gotten worse since the morning, when he attributed it to lack of food and waking up early, but it's nothing too unusual. In all honesty, Lukas’ stomach has a habit of getting like this if he's nervous like when his dad gets into drinking spells around his mother's birthday (or mother's day or the day she died), or when he has a big race coming up. Lukas shrugs the feeling off to being nervous about the new kid fucking everything up, and splashes water on his face again. 

 

Of course, that's when one of the stall doors opens to reveal the aforementioned new kid himself, and Lukas meets his eye in the mirror as he walks out of the stall. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

For some reason, this scrawny kid staring at him again sets him off, and he feels his heart hammer in his chest with something he’s never felt before, and he assumes it has something to do with loathing someone you've never met. 

 

“What are you looking at?” He spits, venom spilling from his mouth in the form of words he hopes will touch this kid somehow. 

 

The boy's poker face is downright professional. He raises his eyebrows but doesn't show any emotion from it, and puts his hands up in surrender as he turns to the sink. “Relax, Farmboy. Couldn't care less.” His voice seems unphased, and it pisses Lukas off. The boy, Philip, dries off his hands and walks out of the bathroom without another look. He has his bag on him, which Lukas bitterly thinks might actually be smart. Just because he told his friends not to beat Philip up yet doesn't mean they won't do shit like steal his stuff or fuck up things he owns. 

 

Farmboy. That's what Newbie called him. What the fuck does that mean? It must be a dig at him living in the country, and when Lukas down at himself, he  _ is _ wearing plaid. His jacket’s still at the lunch table with his friends, but it's a jean jacket with sheep's wool around the lining and collar, so it's probably for the better that he's not wearing it, if only because it would be further evidence for Philip’s insult. Once again Lukas finds himself furious, even though he kind of likes his farm, because he wants to prove to this asshole that he's not above the country kids. He wants to prove that Lukas isn't below him, even though two weeks ago he probably would have enjoyed it if someone had nicknamed him something similar.

 

He shakes his head once again, staring at his reflection in the mirror, and then walks out to continue eating lunch with his friends. 

 

Before walking back into the cafeteria, Lukas does a quick once around, checking for a tousled head of brown hair and a pretentious leather jacket. He doesn't see it though, and he feels something unsettle in his chest. Maybe it's because he thinks Newbie is planning something, or following him, but there's a feeling in his chest that isn't relief, and that irritates him. 

 

“You were gone a while,” Rose says as he sits down, grabbing for his hand again. He doesn't extend it for her, but leaves it in place and doesn't pull away. It does nothing to fix the tension in his ribs. 

 

“Yeah,” he replies, “sorry. Ran into the new kid and had to stop myself from beating him up.”

 

Miles laughs, straight up, and Lukas remembers that it's not just him and Rose in the room. Hell, he remembers he's not alone in the room like he really kind of wants to be. “Why’d you hold back?”

 

“Not the place,” Lukas says, right before Rose overlaps him with “What was he doing that pissed you off? Did he say something?”

 

“No,” Lukas replies, fighting not to roll his eyes. “He was just staring at me.”

 

Austin laughs too loudly, leaning forward to look at everyone with a huge, irritating grin as he asks, “For how long?”

 

“Don't say it, Austin, I swear to fucking God--”

 

“ _ Two hours?” _

 

“For  _ fucks  _ sake, dude, holy shit.” Lukas takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he opens them, everyone is staring at him, Miles with a smirk, Will looking absently amused, Kyle just looks like he's just about as ready to shoot someone as Lukas is right now, and Austin looks like he either has (or is in the process of) shitting himself. Lukas breathes out, opens his eyes and points his finger threateningly. “One more time with that joke and you’re going to need to learn how to eat through a straw.”

 

That’s the other thing. Lukas isn’t a violent dude, not even in his head, but his words must make him seem like it. It’s how people know to be afraid of him, it’s half of the reason he’s on top of the school anyway. You never have to follow through on threats (at least not yourself, if you’ve done it right), you just have to sound serious about them when you make them. It helps if you have people around you who are willing to carry them out, even if you ask them not to. It's just how you play the game, how you survive.

 

Austin shuts up, probably more afraid to lose his popular group of friends than actually having his teeth removed, but the rest of lunch continues pretty much as per usual. 

 

It’s third period that really seals the deal for Lukas and his day from hell. It’s Chemistry, which usually isn’t too bad, because he has Rose. Rose is super smart with that kind of stuff, she’s not big on English or anything else but she’s pretty good at Chem most of the time, which means Lukas essentially doesn't have to pay much attention at all. They’re partners, which means every experiment they do she does all the work and he writes it down wrong and then she fixes it. When there are tests coming up, she helps him study while his dad thinks they’re making out.

 

But today is clearly already known as the day Lukas’ life is getting turned upside down, so obviously he can’t even hold onto that saving grace. He didn’t even think to  _ worry _ about something like that, he thought him and Rose were secure, but clearly that’s not true. Apparently he should have been worried, and the teacher makes that clear to him almost immediately when she walks into the room. She has this edge about her, and she’s staring at Lukas and Rose, walking in side by side to their seats, that strongly resembles the look a person would give a chess board when they’re about to make a substantial move against their opponent, who happens to be a nine year old child who only barely knows the rules.

 

Somehow, Lukas knows he’s about to be fucked before he even sits in his seat, but he does his best to ignore the feeling and keep his cool. He and Rose sit in their usual seat with their equipment, staring forward and only exchanging casual conversation as the rest of the class files in.

 

Philip is introduced again, and it’s like his name is only on repeat in Lukas’ head because it also seems to be on repeat in Lukas’  _ life _ . If he hears this kid introduced one more time, he’s going to Mc-freakin’ lose it. Lukas leans over to tell Rose the exact same thing, and that seems to be his downfall. The teacher is saying something about there not being enough people for Philip to have a partner while Lukas makes his joke just a little too loud.

 

That exact moment is when the teacher decides to look his way, lock eyes with him, and smile in a way that tells him this is Check Mate. 

 

“Lukas!” She says, with the most fake grin, one that shows more cunning than real kindness, one that says this is not a gift but a punishment. “Since you seem so eager to talk right now, why don’t you direct some of that talking to your new partner?” She asks, and it’s a lousy connection between topics of conversation, but it’s not as though pointing that out is actually going to change her mind at all.

 

“But Mrs. Hughes--”

 

She smiles again, eyes narrowing. “Did I stutter, Mr. Waldenbeck?” Lukas doesn’t say anything, mostly because she’s kind of fierce for a teacher as frail as she is, and if he speaks against her, it’ll end poorly for him. “That’s what I thought.” The rest of the class will understand his silence, he’s sure. No one speaks against Hughes.

 

When Lukas looks beside him, Rose is staring him with eyes that look heartbroken, as though any of this is actually his fault. He was just being funny. Now he’s cost himself a year’s worth of free homework. And, you know, sitting next to his girlfriend in class and whatever. “What about Rose?” He asks, because despite the potential danger from Mrs. Hughes, Rose seems to want him to. He’s not really in the habit of saying no to her.

 

“Rose seems to carry most of the weight of the pair of you on her own, so perhaps she should earn all the credit for that work as such. She will work on her own at your desk, and you and Philip here will take the one at the back.”

 

“Why do I have to move?”

 

Mrs. Hughes gives him a look that calls him an idiot without words, and he knows he’s just made it worse. “Because Rose has earned that table. Now you get to sit at the back and work your way back up to the front. Try not to fail the course before you get there, I heard it’s pretty hard to hear instructions way at the back.”

 

He looks to Rose, half-expecting her to back him up, but she just returns his exact same stunned expression. “Chop chop, Waldenbeck,” Mrs. Hughes says again, and he looks up at her with one last pleading expression, which, of course, doesn’t even phase her. “Philip, you can go sit at the back and wait for Lukas to join you.” She looks at him to check that he’s actually packing up his stuff to move, and then moves on to address the rest of the class. “Alright everyone, now that the show is over, let’s have a preview of what we’re going to do today. This unit, we’re talking about drugs in the body, and we’re going to focus on chemical reactions of common drugs when mixed together. This is the experiment we’re going to be analyzing today…”

 

She goes on, setting up all her ingredients or components or agents or whatever and focusing on her desk while Lukas reluctantly packs up all his shit, moves to the back, moving begrudgingly and dreading every second of it. 

 

He sits down next to Philip, doesn’t say a word to him, doesn’t even look at him. The boy’s name is once again a broken record in his ears, and it’s driving him up the fucking wall. He spends the rest of the explanation from the teacher doing his best to pay attention to her words, and not the feeling of Philip right beside him. It’s like he can feel Newbie breathing, and even his silent presence is invasive. Lukas tries so fucking hard not to focus on the knowledge that Philip is right beside him, in his personal space, in his bubble, probably looking at him, breathing so close to him.

 

It’s infuriating.

 

Lukas ends up missing all the instructions, and also the end of Mrs. Hughes speaking, and also when the experiment actually starts. He's still staring off into space, doing his best to ignore the fuck out of the Newbie when the kid smacks something down on the table in front of him and says, “Hey.”

 

“What,” Lukas spits, turning to look at him and immediately forcing him to look away again. 

 

He's not paying attention to him purposely, but he does notice Philip rolling his eyes and moving another piece of equipment in his direction. The boy sighs. “We have to get shit done. I know you don't like me, but we still have to do the work.”

 

“I don't have to do anything. And I don't  _ not _ like you, I just don't care about you.”

 

Philip scoffs, not even looking at him. “Whatever. Can you just measure that shit out and write it down?”

 

Eventually Lukas rolls his eyes, pretending that Philip isn't pissing him off as much as he actually is. He writes something down on the piece of paper in front of him and slides it in between them. It occurs to him that he's probably going to have to pay more attention to the class now that Rose isn't his partner, but he knows if he looks at Newbie again he's going to have to hold back the urge to deck him. 

 

After a while, of silent brooding and hating his life, Lukas finally sighs and gives in, turning his attention to the actual assignment at hand. But then Philip looks up at him with this face that just-- sets something off in Lukas. He’s mad again, because Newbie looks so goddamn smug, and his eyes are big and Lukas needs to look away again so he doesn't punch him. That particular thought seems to be a recurring theme recently. 

 

Lukas raises his hand, looking expectantly at the teacher and pretending Philip has disappeared into the void and there's no longer anyone sitting beside him. “Yes, Waldenbeck?” Mrs. Hughes says from her desk, and only a few people look up at him. He focuses on asking his question so he doesn't have time to wonder if Philip is one of them. 

 

“Can I go to the bathroom?”

 

She sighs from her desk, clearly long past her threshold of bullshit from Lukas that she's able to put up with in one day. “You just had lunch, Lukas, can't it wait?”

 

He looks around him. “Uh, no?” Lukas’ gaze ends up catching on Rose’s, and she gives him a worried look. “Please?”

 

“Oh for God’s sake, Lukas, _ fine, _ ” she says, narrowing her eyes at him as he celebrates internally. “You have three minutes,” she adds on, her stone face slipping slowly into a smug grin, “or I call the office.”

 

Shit. He was looking for an escape, was hoping for ten minutes away from that class at the very least. “What? But I--”

 

“You-- You what, Lukas? You like standing there with your mouth hanging open?” She grins again and a kid in the class laughs. He looks immediately at the kid sharply, a threat for later, and he shuts up immediately. “Time’s a-wastin’. Chop chop. Stop interrupting my class.”

 

With that, he runs out of the room and to the bathroom, but it’s got too many people in there when he opens the door. Some younger boys are clearly trying to skip class and thinking they're being clever about it, so Lukas rolls his eyes and leaves again. 

 

Eventually he settles for just stepping outside of the school, standing in front of the front doors. He leans against the building for a little, breathing in the fresh air before he notices he isn't alone. 

 

It's not a big deal, just a few of the smokers standing about twenty feet from him, staring at him like they're a third afraid to approach him, a third inclined to offer him a cigarette out of pity, and a third totally apathetic about his presence there altogether. Their occasional glances in his direction end up making Lukas more tired than anything else, so he walks back into the school and makes his way back to his Chemistry classroom. He prays, silently, that Hughes was only bluffing and she hasn't actually called the office, because there's no way he wandered around the school and out the front doors in under three minutes. 

 

“Ah, Lukas!” Hughes says as he walks back in, the entire class with their heads up and watching his dramatic entrance. “You've decided to join us again.”

 

“Sorry, Mrs. Hughes,” he replies, not even bothering with an excuse because it's not like she'd listen to him anyway. 

 

She waves him to his seat at the back of the class, silently asking him to sit down and shut up. As he passes her, she looks at him in a way that makes him stop. “You're lucky I'm feeling lazy and generous today. You almost tripled my time limit, but I don't feel like dealing with the office today. Sit down and listen up, we’re going to be going over the results.”

 

He does as he's told, but he doesn't hear a word she says, and for the rest of the class he simply stares at his shoes and nothing else. For a while, it seems like he can pretend he's sitting alone, but it doesn't really help anyway. His heart still beats out of his chest, probably with irritation, and he can't seem to focus on anything either. 

 

His next class, which Newbie also shows up in (what are the fucking  _ chances, _ seriously), is Law. He still isn't quite sure why he took the class anyway, but once again it was either that or something like Home Ec, which he knows would probably end poorly with him either tossing a failed pie out the third floor window or lighting everything on fire, so Law it is. 

 

Even that, at this point, sounds preferable to sitting in yet another class where Newbie spends the whole fucking time staring at him, but he stays in the class anyway. If it gets too bad, he’ll just drop the class and take it next semester instead of a spare. 

 

Law takes years to pass by. Rose isn't in this class with him, so he sits by a window and resigns himself to memorizing the details of the grass outside for a full hour and fifteen minutes. For a while, it's like no one else is in the class with him. 

 

Apart from the sound of Newbie’s voice every time he answers a question, which cuts through Lukas’ focused inattention with ease. It's infuriating, like everything about Philip is, and Lukas just sighs and debates buying big, noise-cancelling headphones for the rest of the semester. 

 

He doesn't remember a single thing said in class that day. 

 

Absently, once he's home, Lukas wonders if he's actually going to pass any of his classes this semester. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> looks like i managed to punch this one out within the week, so here ya go! please please PLEASE remember that i have no beta, so if you catch any mistakes in grammar or anything just let me know!!!
> 
> the burn on this fic is going to be painfully slow i think, so brace yourselves. i'm sorry in advance. just remember while reading this that i absolutely adore lukas and i would never make him a monster, he's just a very confused boy. this is also pretty canon-divergent, so he might even be a little more stubborn/mean than he is in canon. 
> 
> enjoy!

**Lukas’ Bet (#2)**

 

Day 4 is no better. Lukas manages to  _ actually _ avoid thinking about Philip the entire day, but he’s still unsettled and his friends piss him off more than usual. He barely talks to Rose the whole day (which, considering there isn’t much to do in small towns, is actually pretty unusual), and when he gets home, he goes right to sleep. In fact, Lukas barely touches his bike in the four days except to get to and from school, also another quite unusual thing. Normally it’s the bike that helps Lukas forget other things he doesn’t want to think about, but he’s so unsettled the entire day that it doesn’t even cross his mind to try riding for fun.

 

It’s frustrating, sure, and Lukas feels a little out of it. But it’s nothing that he can’t handle, so the day actually isn’t too bad. 

 

Then comes Day 5. 

 

It's a Friday, and Lukas wakes up thinking  _ finally, the weekend.  _ His week has been weird, to say the very least, and it's not his fault if he's looking forward to a break, no matter how brief it may be. He and Rose have plans to go see a movie or something, and that's essentially all his weekend will consist of. Lukas has decided that he will not do anything else except maybe sleep or ride his bike if he can help it, bar maybe helping his dad out. That's not exactly something he can say no to anyway. 

 

No matter what, he doesn’t say no to his dad. It’s something he’s known since even before his mom died, when Bo would get angry sometimes, and not even his wife could calm him down. It’s not like he ever hurt anyone (physically or on purpose anyway), but he would get drunk and the words wouldn’t be pretty, even if they only lasted a few hours. Lukas learned how to be quiet, how to tell Bo what he wanted to hear, how to adhere to requests quickly and without complaint. Before his mom died Lukas could get away with more, but after… that’s when he really learned the meaning of his father being fully and completely in charge.

 

But he still has to survive past the final day of this hell week. If Lukas wants his relaxing weekend, he’s got to get through school for one last day. And he thinks he can do it -- if only Newbie doesn’t say something stupid to him. Lukas has admittedly never been this irritated by one person, but it’s like he has to completely hold himself back from every possible course of action around the kid -- and yet at the same time, he’s stunned and couldn’t move or say much even if he wanted to. As much as the kid inspires fury in him even without speaking, Lukas still feels held back by something unidentifiable.

 

Jesus, he’s either going to fail or be expelled this year, isn’t he? There’s no way he and the new kid can survive in one school for long, not when it feels like Lukas is constantly at Newbie’s neck for nothing other than a spoiled attitude -- and the boy hasn’t even said something dangerous to him yet.

 

Not one for psychoanalyzing himself, Lukas intends on pushing away the reason Philip makes him so mad, to never ever return to with any extensive thought, ever. He chalks it up to the way small town life goes and his own personality clashing with Newbie’s. It’s not like he’s the only new kid to ever come to school in Tivoli, but he sure is the most irritating. If he weren’t such a freak, Lukas would worry about the kid’s popularity taking over his own. He’s definitely not unattractive, and if only the kid had any personality that wasn’t “broody, edgy city boy,” he’d be a real threat to Lukas and his girlfriend. 

 

Thank God Prettyboy doesn’t know how to charm his way out of a fucking paper bag.

 

To be quite honest, it’s not like Lukas does, either. He just knows when to shut up. He knows how to tell people what they want to hear -- his dad, rose, his friends, the police, people looking to sponsor him for motocross -- he’s good at molding himself into what people want to see in him. He doesn’t really say much, but it’s Lukas so he doesn’t really have to. For the most part, that’s what people like about him. It makes it easier for them to make him into what they want him to be, and that’s easier for him anyway. It’s safer. 

 

And besides, it’s not like he’d know what he wants even if it hit him in the face anyway.

 

So it’s better to let other people decide for him. Lukas doesn’t know what he wants, who he is, what he likes, or what to say anyway. He says what the person in front of him expects him to. And on the side, he takes it all out in music and motocross. Two things he would never share with anyone -- because the second he does, he knows it will be forfeit to them. If Lukas hands another person the handlebars of his bike, it’s theirs -- like his dad with the sponsorship. And if he passes anyone the earbuds, his music taste suddenly belongs to them.

 

Unfortunately, that particular Friday morning, Lukas had offered to give Rose a ride to school, which means he had to wake up even earlier than usual. He has to leave with plenty of time left to make sure Rose is actually ready to leave, not to mention the detour all the way out to Rose’s house and then back to the school. He doesn’t know why he agreed in the first place.

 

In any case, he hops on his bike and rides to her, earbuds tucked into his ears underneath his helmet, and he simply waves at her when she comes out of the house. She seems to be saying something to him, but he can’t hear, and even if he could, he probably wouldn’t listen anyway. He doesn’t usually. She doesn’t seem to notice, though, and he revs the engine and takes off once she’s got her arms wrapped securely around his waist.

 

Since Rose was ready faster than she usually is, they end up arriving at the school a little too early. Even that’s not necessarily unusual, but Lukas sighs anyway. It means they have to stand there and talk, waiting for their other friends to show up before they can go inside. It means he has to socialize uselessly, playing the waiting game. He runs his hands through his hair as he takes off his helmet and locks up his bike, thinking about what the hell Rose is going to talk to him about for fifteen minutes while they wait.

 

Lukas kind of hates that sort of thing. He doesn’t really say much anyway, just kind of stands there and nods and occasionally smiles when someone makes a joke. That’s what people like him for, and it’s not like he has the energy to put in more effort than that anyway. 

 

While they’re standing there, other kids from the school begin to show up. It takes a little while before Lukas notices, but then there’s Newbie, riding in on a shoddy bike that looks, frankly, like it’s one big speed bump from falling apart. He looks like he usually does, hair messy from riding without a helmet, his stupid leather jacket and messenger bag gripped onto him. Everything about him makes Lukas angry.

 

“Hey, guess who,” Miles says, and Rose turns around to get a look.

 

Will laughs at Philip as he walks toward the school, and Lukas gets to the point where he’s just thoroughly pissed off. He’s seen too much of the new kid this week, talked too much about him, spent too much time thinking about how aggravating he is. He doesn’t want to talk about the kid if he doesn’t have to. “You think he knows how much of a freak he is?” Will asks, laughing a little, and Lukas just sighs.

 

“You think he cares?” He replies, determined not to stare at him as he walks by like the rest of them are.

 

Miles laughs with Will. “We could make him care,” He says, smirk on his face, rubbing the knuckles of his right hand.

 

“Whatever,” Lukas says, but then Philip brushes his shoulder with his own as he passes, quite aggressively, and he kind of has to look. The rest of them laugh, a chorus of “What was that?” and “Who does he think he is?” but Lukas can barely focus on anything but the feeling radiating from his shoulder. It goes right down into the pit of his stomach and settles there until he tries to shake it off. Maybe he hates Newbie more than he thought, because he really goes insane over that hit to the shoulder.

 

It’s all he can think about into first period homeroom, when he’s tapping his foot and ignoring Rose like usual. It’s not that he doesn’t like her, it’s just that he’d rather listen to his own thoughts echoing through the walls of his skull than whatever she’s talking about most of the time. With no offense to her, of course, he just likes his alone time, whether she also happens to be in the room or not.

 

His shoulder, the same one Newbie brushed, keeps him irritated until lunch. At least second period means he gets a break from the kid, but at the same time, it gives him nothing to focus on. At least in first period, he kept thinking about Philip’s eyes on the back of his head, boring holes into his skull like always. At one point he whips around to give Philip a returning glare, one that he should be afraid of; but he’s not even looking. He’s staring down at his lap, where his notebook is set up and he’s copying notes from the novel. 

 

All Lukas was looking for was some satisfying look of fear from Newbie when given the trademark glare, but the kid can’t even seem to give him that. No, he has to be stubborn. Fate has forsaken Lukas to staring at Philip, who isn’t looking at him back, even though he doesn’t actually care about the kid or anything. He’s just trying to catch Newbie in the act of staring at  _ him _ , but instead Philip turns to look at him and everything is backwards.

 

Philip just caught Lukas staring at him. It was supposed to go the other way, it was supposed to be a threatening look, but instead Lukas knows he looks stunned and he fights to regain control. He rolls his eyes, brushing off whatever Philip’s reaction was (because Lukas refused to pay attention) and looks back out the window. 

 

After a while, he actually takes a look at the book they’re studying and does his best to actually pay attention in class.

 

That only works for so long.

 

Then lunch comes around, and once again Lukas is unable to keep himself in his seat, focusing on the conversation of his friends and eating his lunch instead of where the Newbie is sitting in the lunchroom. He does what he did last time, if only because he never really got the relief he was looking for there, and it would be nice if he could finally get some feel a little cathartic from it now. Lukas walks to the bathroom, looks himself in the mirror and wonders what has changed in him. What could have possibly changed since Newbie showed up, brooding and sarcastic, to completely fuck up Lukas’ entire personality.

 

He sighs and resigns himself to one of the stalls, going for a stall that isn’t next to one with feet under it. It’s not hard, being that there are eight stalls and only one seems occupied, but it’s also making him a little uncomfortable that there’s anyone in there at all, period. 

 

The shoes look distantly familiar, like an old friend from elementary school had them, or like his dad bought him a pair and he’s simply refused to wear them. Eventually Lukas gives up and leaves, even before the other kid in the stall (who  _ must _ be shitting, there’s no other explanation) exits. When he gets out of the bathroom, those shoes are in the same place underneath the stall door.

 

Even in third and fourth period, Lukas manages to keep Philip off his mind for the most part. He wants to do his best not to ruin his own day, and the thought that he has the weekend ahead of him truly does help with that. He just keeps looking forward to not seeing anyone for hours on end and breathing a sigh of relief. If the thought of a break from the new kid fuels his patience, he knows he can only attribute it to his hatred of Philip.

 

“Hey, you okay, Lukas? You’re acting a little weird again,” Rose says to him as they walk down the hallway, shaking Lukas from his thoughts and back to reality. With fourth period finally over, he feels all the weight rolling off his back.

 

He shrugs. “I’m fine,” he answers, silently praying she drops the topic in his head. He doesn’t want to have to explain why he’s so irritated and out of it all the time -- no one would understand. He doesn’t want to talk about Newbie at the best of times, and talking about how much he’s fucking Lukas up on the regular would only make matters worse. His friends might start thinking he  _ cares _ about the kid or something, like the kid actually has that much effect on him. No, no way. Not going to happen.

 

“Okay,” Rose replies uneasily, but she doesn’t question him any further, so he’s thankful.

 

Eventually Lukas and Rose get to the front of the school, where the rest of their friends are standing. Austin is pointedly not making eye contact with him, probably still ashamed of Lukas calling him out earlier on his stupid joke. It’s kind of sad, but then again, at least Lukas doesn’t have to hear him pat himself on the back over and over again.

 

“Hey guys,” Rose speaks for him as they walk up, joining the circle. “What’s up?”

 

Miles looks to Will, both of them with juvenile laughter left over in their eyes. “New kid just walked by and hopped on his bike. He didn’t know we popped a hole in one of his tires,” Miles says, snickering again and unable to finish.

 

Will picks up where he left off. “It’s a really small hole, he’s going to be halfway home before his bike stops working.” They look at each other and burst into laughter, snickering to themselves.

 

“Genius,” Lukas says, deadpan. “Let’s talk about something else.”

 

“What’s your problem, Waldenbeck?” Miles says, his eyes narrowing. “We thought you’d like that one! Kid’s gonna be stuck walking home like, five miles.”

 

Lukas crosses his arms, defensive. There’s nothing wrong with him, and he couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck how long Newbie gets to ride his bike before he’s stuck in the middle of a fucking bean field. “Nothing,  _ Whitaker _ . I just hate talking about him. You guys seem to give more of a shit about him than anyone.”

 

“He’s a fucking loser, dude, we’re just toying with the little asshole. It’s fun, you should try it sometime.”

 

“Wouldn’t it be better if you could actually see the effect it has on him?” Lukas asks, to combat Will’s answer. “Seems like more your style.” And it’s true, it does. Will and Miles are more the type to prank a kid to his face and watch him stutter. They’re big fans of very blatant bullying, and Lukas has gotten by thus far without being seen as a “pussy” by preferring more sneaky attacks. Or so he let them think; he’s not really sure he enjoys any of it, but it’s kind of expected of him by this point anyway. 

 

Something is still irritated in his head though, in response to their little prank. It makes him almost angry that the kid will be walking home with a bike with a flat tire, but he doesn’t know why. He couldn’t give less of a shit about Philip, so why the hell is this irritating him?

 

Miles laughs. “That would be more fun. We thought slow torture was more yours. Are you jealous because we’ve started picking on him without you?” He says, nudging Lukas’ elbow. “Aww, poor Lukas wanted the first hit.” He pouts, mockingly, and Will laughs with him. Austin says nothing, which isn’t usually his style, but hey. He’s probably still beating himself up.

 

Lukas smirks. Maybe he did, maybe that’s why it’s bugging him so much. It would have been nice to say he got the first punch in, he knows Newbie is making him more mad than anyone else. If anything, he kind of deserves the first hit, whether he’s really that into bullying new kids or not. This one should be  _ his _ . “You know, I kind of wanted to ignore Newbie, but it kind of seems like what he wants so -- yeah, you’re right. Next week, we get this kid good.”

 

“That’s my boy!” Miles shouts, and it’s essentially a celebration. It irritates Lukas in a certain way, but he brushes it off. Everything seems to be irritating him recently -- maybe he’s just not getting enough sleep. He shouldn’t put too much value into any of this stuff.

 

*

 

When the weekend finally comes, it’s not the bliss Lukas thought it would be. He lies in bed with headphones in after school that same day, the Friday, but he’s restless. He tries closing his eyes and letting himself drift off to sleep, but he just keeps getting uncomfortable and having to roll over. In all seriousness, he’s never had this much trouble getting to sleep before.

 

At some point, Lukas sighs and goes downstairs, silently hoping his father is outside somewhere, and not waiting for him in the living room or something. The room is empty though, when Lukas gets there, so he sits down on the couch and flips through channels trying to find something to watch.

 

There’s nothing. Seriously, absolutely nothing entertaining. It pisses him off; where he was just uneasy before, now he wants to hit something. Preferably his TV.

 

The rest of Friday passes by without event. His dad orders pizza, which Lukas eats in his room after he bikes on the roads a little -- they’re not really ones for family dinners or casual conversation. He lies in bed for the remainder of the night, wondering if he’ll ever sit easily and relax again, ever, in his life. Maybe something has thrown everything off balance -- maybe this is going to be what it’s like forever onward. Just Lukas, uneasy in every setting, always on the edge of  _ something _ he can’t place. He thinks maybe, just this once, punching someone might snap him out of it. Like Austin -- punching Austin would be nice.

 

About ten minutes after thinking that, he wonders if he should have thought of punching Philip first, but he decides, in the end, he has more built up frustration against Austin, more long-term, and that’s why his face came to mind first. There’s really no other explanation.

 

Saturday is a mess of Rose, flying in and out of his day and forcing him to, like,  _ do things. _ She essentially plows her way into his house, barely knocking, because he supposes that’s where they’re at now. Hey, Lukas’ dad loves her, so why shouldn’t she just let herself in whenever she wants? It’s not like Lukas has a right to complain if they’re dating, right? So he doesn’t say anything, lets her crawl into bed beside him and put her head on his chest.

 

It feels comfortable with her there. There are awkward angles and her head feels heavy, but he’s not wildly uncomfortable, so he says nothing. She seems to do a lot of the talking for him anyway, and he’s not going to complain about that, either. In all honestly, Lukas isn’t sure he actually has anything to say that would interest her. She has a passing interest in motocross, but only because it’s cool that he likes it, and she probably wants to be supportive. They don’t listen to the same music, which Lukas isn’t sure she knows as well as he does -- he doesn’t let anyone listen to his music, so they always listen to hers instead, and he’s never complained about that. He does a lot of not complaining, apparently, but it’s gotten him this far in life, so he’s not sure he sees anything wrong with that.

 

Eventually Rose drags him out of the house to go into town because she wants to go shopping, but she wants his input on things (as if he ever actually gives any that isn't non-committal). Lukas doesn’t object, and when he gets home later that night, it’s past dinner and he’s almost glad he’s so tired -- it means he doesn’t have time to sit and think and feel uneasy about anything.

 

Sunday is where his weekend goes downhill.

 

He wakes up with the same distant edginess he’s been feeling all week, and it refuses to settle in him. He tries everything -- feeding the chickens, cleaning the barn, watching TV, listening to music, washing his bike -- but nothing works. Eventually Lukas gives up and decides to take his bike for a ride down the back highways, if only because he can go fast and feel the wind against his jacket.

 

Riding is one of the only things that successfully clears his head.

 

The problem is, eventually there’s a cop car behind him with flashing lights, urging him to pull over. There are no sirens, which means he probably wasn’t going  _ too _ fast, but definitely past the speed limit for dirt bikes on back roads (as if that isn’t the most specific thing to have stupid laws for).

 

When the Sheriff gets out of the Jeep and walks up to him, Lukas does his best to fight every instinct to run. That’s all he wants to do every time he’s in a situation like this:  _ run _ . Every part of his body screams it at him. _ Run, hide, run, hide, run hide run hide runhiderunhide. _ Lukas stays in place though, takes off his helmet, takes a deep breath and steels himself for the incoming lecture from the brand, spanking-new Sheriff Torrance.

 

“Waldenbeck,” She says in greeting, walking over to him with her sunglasses on and a hand tucked into one side of her belt. Sheriff Torrance is a master of power-poses and it’s honestly more than a little frightening. “Going a little fast, were we?”

 

“Y-yes, Ma’am,” Lukas replies, because it’s not like it’ll pay to lie. He knows he was going fast, he knows she knows he was going too fast, she knows he knows he was going too fast. Lying to police is a stupid move that he’s a little too scared to make anyway. The Sheriff is a smart woman, it’s not like she wouldn’t figure him out anyway. No, feigning ignorance would be stupid, as much as he wants to.

 

She sighs, taking off her glasses and looking him in the eye. “You know I have to take you to the station for this, right?”

 

“Yes, Ma’am.”

 

“This is your second minor speeding offense, Lukas,” Sheriff Torrance says, playing with her glasses in her hands. “I didn’t call your father the first time, but now he needs to know.”

 

“Yes-- yes, Ma’am.”

 

She sighs again, beckoning him to follow her. Instinctively, he does, and he brings his bike with him back to her Jeep. “And there will be a fine on this one, too. I’m going to bump it down to $85 from $190, but don’t expect me to be so generous next time.”

 

“Yes, Sheriff Torrance,” Lukas replies, head hung low. “Thank-- um, thank you.”

 

They’re at the back of the Jeep now, hauling the bike in, and there’s a hint of a smile that she seems to refusing to let tug at the side of her mouth. Lukas doesn’t know what to do with it -- she’s always so stern that he thinks maybe the only plausible explanation is that she’s laughing at him.

 

Riding back to the station, both of them are mostly silent. Lukas sits in the back, staring at his thumbs and wishing he could ride his bike out of there. Everything seems to be fucking him up recently, and the one time he thought he could outrun it, it caught up to him with sirens blaring. 

 

What’s even worse, though, is what happens when they get back to the station.

 

They walk in, Sheriff Torrance leading Lukas through the doors. They’re only inside for a moment before the Sheriff looks to the side and says, “Oh.” The words that follow are what really twists the knife in Lukas’ happy mood from the morning. “Hi, Philip.”

 

_ Fuck _ . Why does she know Philip? Did he do something illegal too? Are they going to have to sit there and wait together? For how long? If the Sheriff didn’t bring him in, then who did?

 

“Hey, Helen,” Philip replies uneasily, looking to Lukas for just a moment before turning back to the Sheriff. That brief moment sends Lukas’ heart rate up immediately, as if just the sight of the kid pisses Lukas off. Or unsettles him or  _ something. _ Lukas just stands there, trying to keep his face stone cold, while Philip stands up and shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. He looks down and back up at her, his hair somehow falling back into its place perfectly. “Do you mind--”

 

The Sheriff looks pained to cut him off, but only for a brief moment. “I’m sorry, Philip, can you just give me a moment? Lukas, just sit down here and wait with Philip, I have to go find Tony.”

 

Lukas sits down uneasily on the opposite side of the couch. He doesn’t want to be near Philip if he doesn’t have to be, and sure as hell doesn’t want to make conversation with him, either. If he can survive this without breathing a word to Philip, you can be damn sure he will, regardless of the space between that somehow seems both dead and electric at the same time. Everything is getting under Lukas’ skin, and he's sure soon he’ll go out of his mind. 

 

Philip takes out his phone and starts texting though, thankfully apparently no more interested in pointless conversation than Lukas is. He would do the same, just to make a point, but it's probably dead or off anyway. He doesn't like to pay attention to it while riding, the thought of someone interrupting him with stupid questions over text like, “did u do the math hmwrk” infuriates him. 

 

It's then, as they're sitting there in silence, that Lukas recalls Philip calling the Sheriff “Helen.” Of course Lukas was distantly aware of her first name as well, it's not like it was a secret, but no one in their right minds would ever call the officer who brought them into the station by their first name, even if you knew them. Well, except the old Sheriff, Jim, who was close friends with almost everyone in town -- but he never arrested anyone anyway. You didn't really have to worry about something like that with him, but no matter what setting, what uniform he was in, you just called him Jim. Sheriff Torrance doesn't seem like the type to let that kind of thing slide. 

 

So does that mean Philip is even more careless than he thought? Is he really going to dig himself further into trouble? But the Sheriff didn't seem upset, she even apologized to him -- which means he can't be in there getting written up. Right? Who the hell does this guy think he is--

 

“Hey boys,” says Tony, the other officer. He used to be on the high school swim team years and years ago, Lukas remembers hearing about him from his dad every so often. Not because he was anything special -- no, his older brother Marcus was. When someone in town is that good at a sport, good enough to have a ticket out or a claim to fame, everyone in town makes sure to remember who they are. Tony happened to end up sticking around the small town scene even after his brother phased out on scholarships. Lukas zones back in when Tony starts speaking again. “So um, Philip, Helen’s gotta deal with some high-key police work, if you know what I'm saying. She said if you wanna talk to her she’ll be done her phone call in like, five minutes.”

 

Philip nods, then goes back to looking at his phone. Lukas tears his eyes from Newbie when Tony addresses him. “Lukas, I’m gonna take you through the write-up process and whatnot until Helen gets back. She's calling your dad right now, I think he's gonna come pick you up once we’re done. Sound good?” When Lukas nods, he smiles brightly back at him. “Cool. Come over here to my  _ desk _ . See? I’ve got my own  _ desk.  _ It's crazy, I mean I can put whatever I want on there--”

 

Lukas unintentionally kind of tunes Tony out from there, answering questions on instinct and barely listening to his own answers. Instead his mind is focused on the conversation Philip and Helen are now having over by the couches, and what their relationship could possibly be. Not that he particularly  _ cares _ , but it might pay to know. There's nothing else to pay attention to that isn't answering boring questions about his license or his age or listening to Tony’s story about how recently Helen managed to get them new traffic cones from another county over. If Lukas doesn't want to fall asleep right there, he has to focus on something more interesting, like Helen placing a careful hand on Philip’s shoulder. 

 

Who knows, maybe his parents died or something. Maybe the kids a magnet for death. Or maybe he has to leave town for some reason or whatever.

 

Once Tony is done writing and asking and telling stories, he follows Lukas’ sideways glances over to where Philip is now waving as he exits, and Helen is looking down at her phone before returning to her own desk. “Oh them? Yeah, Helen and Gabe took that kid in from the city after his mom got busted for drugs or something. Everyone’s talking about it. Super nice of them, huh? You'd think they'd get a real kid, like one of them chubby little kids or something, but I think they're testing the waters first. Poor kid’s had it rough though,” Tony says, but he shuts up when Helen walks past. 

 

“Done with the paperwork, Tony?” She asks, in a voice that really says “you'd better be.”

 

Tony nods, grin wide on his face. “Yes, Ma’am. You wanna take over?”

 

The rest of the process before Lukas’ dad shows up isn't so bad, but in all honesty Lukas zones out again. He keeps trying to process the information Tony gave him, it’s like he’s suddenly lost the ability to tie strings of information together. It’s not like it doesn’t make sense, it definitely does, but Lukas’ mind doesn’t want to believe it anyway. If the kid’s already had a shitty life, how awful would it be of him to knowingly make it worse? What if their bullying pushed the kid to something you can’t undo or forgive someone for -- would Lukas be able to live with himself?

 

He decides, in the end, to pretend he never heard anything. In fact, Lukas is pretty sure Tony probably wasn’t supposed to say any of it anyway, so he refuses to acknowledge any of it. The next day, Monday, Lukas doesn’t say a word to his friends about it. If he doesn’t know it, neither do they, and that’s probably for the better.

 

Who knows what Miles or Will would do with that kind of information.

 

The rest of Sunday, though, even while his dad is chewing him out and Sheriff Torrance has let him go, even while his father locks up his bike and says Lukas can only use it for getting to school -- the entire time, Lukas can’t help thinking about Philip being the Sheriff’s kid now. Does that mean it could be worse for Lukas and his friends? 

 

Would Philip actually say something to his foster parents? Surely Sheriff Torrance would take matters into her own hands if he did, right? 

 

It all comes down to whether Philip is the type to snitch. 

 

In all fairness, he doesn’t seem like it. Lukas will give him the credit he deserves (though only in his head and never out loud) for being strong and not allowing himself to appear vulnerable at any given time. No, for as silent as Newbie is all the time, he’s calm, collected. He seems confident no matter what he’s doing, like even if he messed up or someone attacked him, he would have expected it anyway. Even if something did surprise him, it looks like he would pretty much remain unphased, never shocked. Just distantly amused, maybe.

 

Lukas wonders, yet again, if Philip would give him a run for his money in popularity had he been better at making friends in the first week of school. 

 

Eventually Lukas and his father arrive home, and Sunday comes slowly to an end. Everything biking did for Lukas’ mental state has been aggressively thrown out the window, and once again he rests uneasily on his bed, his fingers fidgeting against his will. One day soon, Lukas thinks, he will be alone in his room and he will feel completely relaxed again, like he should. An entire week of feeling on edge about nothing in particular has really worked Lukas up and tired him out, so when he finally falls asleep that night, it’s both a long and a deep sleep.

 

He dreams about school, that he’s walking down the hallway and everyone is staring at him. They have individual faces but they’re all wearing the Newbie’s jacket, looking him up and down as if all of a sudden he has become the odd one out.

 

Then the halls dissolve into a bathroom stall, and Lukas is sitting on the toilet trying desperately to read the scratches on the wall. Apparently you can’t read in dreams, but something in Lukas’ head tells him it just says Philip’s name, and nothing else.

 

He wakes up half a minute before his alarm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!! as always, no matter how short, comments are my favourite. u could write "gud job with the wording" and it would make my whole day.
> 
> you can also contact me on tumblr: grimegarage.tumblr.com
> 
> EDIT: your comments might actually start making me cry. you guys are precious gems and ily


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys, this one took a little longer than I thought it would. hang in there!!
> 
> (also once again, i have no beta. if you see inconsistencies or mistakes, please let me know so I can fix them!! god bless thank u)

**Will’s Bet**

 

Monday and Tuesday pass by easily, no hint of Newbie. It seems as though he’s suddenly disappeared off the planet, but Lukas can only hope. There’s a dreading feeling Lukas has, but he can’t really figure it out. It probably has something to do with knowing his prayers probably  _ haven’t _ been answered, and Prettyboy will probably turn up sooner or later.

 

It is a little weird, though. Out of nowhere, Philip just stopped showing up, and it’s like he never started going to the school in the first place. His bike isn’t locked up on the rack near the front of the school, he doesn’t go near his locker, and he’s not in any of their classes. Lukas has to get by on his own for both experiments in Chemistry -- that’s essentially a disaster in itself.

 

Lukas can’t help but spend the two days wondering what could have possibly happened to the new kid. Maybe he got in an accident, or fell out of a tree and broke his leg -- maybe he’s moved away, to a different foster family, or maybe he’s just out with a really bad case of the flu.

 

In any case, Lukas is only pissed off at himself for worrying. It’s so irritating, knowing he could be focusing on other, much more important things, like his girlfriend or his homework. In fact, more than anything else, Lukas is kind of pissed off that even when the kid isn’t present, Lukas is distracted by him. It’s infuriating. It’s almost like the kid has this superpower that allows him to piss Lukas off no matter where he is.

 

Although Lukas can’t help wondering if maybe it was all some weird fever dream. Maybe Philip never showed up at all, maybe he’s finally free. And if that’s true, then Lukas should forget about the kid altogether, and get back to being who he used to be. But the problem is, he’s not sure he can. He can’t remember what he used to think about all day when he wasn’t irritated with Philip. Hell, he doesn’t even remember what it was like walking into the cafeteria everyday and not looking for the same jacket and hair combination to avoid.

 

It’s not like Lukas  _ cares _ about the kid at all, he’s just confused. Newbie has clearly pissed him off since the beginning, and Lukas has a right to be furious if even now, the kid can’t stop aggravating him. 

 

He doesn’t tell his friends about what he heard on Sunday, though. Monday after school brings him close -- they’re talking about Newbie’s mysterious origins and their speculations are a thousand times worse than the reality. Not to mention, it takes them ages to narrow it down to three possibilities, and it’s so irritating that Lukas thinks he might explode. All he’s ever wanted since the boy showed up was for people to  _ stop talking about him _ and for the love of God,  _ move on _ . 

 

The group that seems to be disobeying this rule the most is, of course, the group he hangs out with. It’s only for that reason that Lukas almost tells them; so they can stop speculating and move on with their lives.

 

But in the end, Lukas knows that would never happen anyway. No, if Lukas told them the truth, and they immediately believed it as the truth -- which he’s not sure they would, so maybe there would be a period of argument or interrogation between these two points -- they’d never shut up about it. Miles and Will, possibly with Kyle, would plan around it, figure out how to use it to target the kid the most. Lukas has no idea at all what they’re fully capable of, but whatever it is, he’s sure he’s not on board with it. He can handle his friends hitting people, he can even handle them hurting someone with words -- but that doesn’t mean he’s going to give them the ammunition to do so. Just because he can’t do anything to stop them without losing his popularity in the school doesn’t mean he’s going to support them or give them the chance to make their actions worse. He doesn’t like Philip -- but he’s not a monster.

 

Besides, it’s not like they can prove Lukas knew anything anyway, so even if they do find out, they’ll never know he hid it from them.

 

Even after all that thinking, Lukas goes to sleep Tuesday night wondering if Philip’s going to be coming back. It’s almost worse, the irritating feeling, when Philip isn’t actually there to cause it.

 

*

 

Wednesday is different. Wednesday is the eighth day since Philip showed up at the school, and if he survives it, Will officially loses his money. At least then it isn’t just Lukas and Austin at the bottom of the no-faith-in-the-new-kid loser pool. Philip has managed to stick it out longer than at the very least, three people bet on, and if nothing else, it’s a little surprising. Obviously Lukas didn’t actually think he’d drop out or move back away in three days, or five, but he hasn’t been caught crying in the bathroom or anything, which, to be fair, is much more likely anyway.

 

But no. Wednesday wants to fuck with Lukas just like the first week of school did, and even though he got an extra long Philip-free weekend well into Tuesday, it all comes crashing down around him.

 

English is fine. Philip returns, for the first time essentially since he showed up, with his head  _ not _ hung low. It’s weird to see him with his head up, looking almost… pleased, or happy, but Lukas forces himself not to stare for too long as the new kid makes his way back to his desk. The kid’s clearly not a happy guy in general, at least not often, that was clear the moment he stepped into the school. Hell, it’s most of the reason Lukas didn’t like him when he first saw him, so what changed?

 

In all fairness, Lukas isn’t sure he can still hold Philip’s attitude (back when he first walked in the school) against him -- the kid had just moved from the city, doesn’t know anything about small towns. Even Lukas, who does know about small towns since he’s always lived in one, would probably act the exact same way if he got thrown into a new school. He got lucky, it’s not really his fault people think he’s cool because he doesn’t speak. Honestly, he could have, just as likely, been in Philip’s position.

 

But still, at least Lukas doesn’t have a superiority complex or whatever. Newbie thinks he’s better than every country boy because he’s a city kid. He’s not, Lukas knows that, but the fact that he thinks he’s superior to everyone else is what pissed him off. Not his actions, but his  _ attitude _ .

 

So English passes by, Lukas doing his best to actually pay attention to what’s happening in class, and not the fact that Newbie is three rows behind him again, like he never vanished in the first place. His brief break from physical distractions in class has come and gone, and with Philip back in class it’s no harder to pay attention. The break he got wasn’t much of a break anyway, since the Distraction Level of Philip doesn’t seem to waver whether he’s in the room with Lukas or not.

 

Math passes by like a breeze, though Rose asks him twice if he’s okay. Usually he’s pretty good at pretending he’s listening to her when she speaks, but apparently he’s getting worse and worse at it every day. Lukas insists he’s fine, an answer that Rose seems to accept begrudgingly, and then she leaves him alone. Even while they sit and work on the classwork at their desks, she only places a hand on his knee every so often, and doesn’t bother trying to speak to him again until lunch.

 

Lunch is the usual. Austin makes some fucked up joke he thinks is funny and then refuses to shut up about it  -- now that he’s recovered from Lukas chewing him out for being such an idiot, his habits have clearly returned. Will and Miles look around the cafeteria for what Lukas assumes is Philip, but in the end, is actually a much more boring dweeb named Greg. He keeps thinking they’re looking for Philip until they eventually lock eyes in the same spot in the corner of the lunch room, whispering to each other and snickering. When Lukas looks, he knows immediately that Philip isn’t there, nor is he anywhere close to that area, but Greg is. 

 

Unfortunately for Greg, Will and Miles’ excitement over Newbie seems to have dissipated, which means his temporary break in his eight-year bullying streak has come to an end. Lukas and Will didn’t go to the same elementary school as Miles and Greg, when Miles decided to start picking on the kid, but neither of them objected to the target on the poor kid’s back once they became friends in high school. Every so often, Lukas wonders what Greg possibly could have done to become Miles’ primary target for eight consecutive years of intense bullying.

 

But it’s not like he’s going to ask anytime soon, or ever for that matter, so he tries not to think about it too much. 

 

Somehow, most of the lunch period passes without anybody making any references to Philip in conversation. The only brief mention of him is when Will turns to him, seemingly genuinely interested, and asks Lukas, “Are you ready to start going after Philip yet?” 

 

For a brief moment, Lukas misinterprets the phrase “going after,” but he shakes the thought from his head before he can be too weirded out that  _ that’s _ what his brain first jumped to. He doesn’t respond for a second, but Will just continues with another question anyway. “Any plans?”

 

Lukas laughs and shakes his head.  He says something he knows Will and Miles will appreciate, but is actually just blatant stalling for time. Something like “Oh just you wait,” or “When the time comes, you guys will see.” He actually can’t remember what came out of his mouth, but he knows Will dropped the subject, so it must have been good. 

 

Lukas just doesn’t really want to think about how much time he’ll actually be able to buy himself if he keeps going like this. His reaction to Will and Miles popping Philip’s bike tire last week made it obvious that Lukas  _ wants _ to be the one to pick on him, right? Then why is so determined to postpone it? Why is he desperately buying himself time? None of it makes sense, and it all contributes to a nice budding headache, so Lukas drops the thought and finishes his lunch quietly.

 

It’s Chemistry when Lukas’ life really takes the turn. Wednesday had been fine until third period, almost enjoyable, even, despite Philip being back at school. Lukas was thinking he might actually be able to survive the day, perhaps even the rest of the semester with Newbie in three of his four classes a day.

 

But then class starts, and Lukas stares adamantly out the window as Philip comes to sit beside him. It’s easy to ignore him, or at least Lukas pretends it is, and even as he stares out the window, his hearing definitely  _ isn’t _ intensely focused on how close Newbie sits down next to him. These classes, the ones where he has to sit beside Philip and ignore him as much as possible so he doesn’t blow a fucking gasket, are becoming increasingly harder.

 

At first, Lukas pretended Philip wasn’t even an issue. Like he was there, but it was if Lukas were sitting beside one of the less talkative kids in the school, one he had seen for years but never spoken to.

 

That didn’t really work, since Lukas could then only focus on how many new kids had walked in the school before Philip that he didn’t even know the name of or what they looked like. It just made it clear how much Philip pissed him off more than the rest of them, and that’s not exactly what Lukas wants. Just because he doesn’t like Philip, it doesn’t mean he wants to think, every second of every day, about how much he doesn’t like Philip. It should be a non-issue, just a fact. That’s it.

 

“Hello, class,” Mrs. Hughes says, walking from her chair and desk to the chalkboard, waving a hand out. “Mr. Norton, I’m glad you could make it on time today,” She adds, with a pointed look and sarcastic tone directed right at Liam at the far right side of the class. It’s not supposed to be a compliment to him, but he smiles and waves to the class anyway. A few laugh, but Philip remains completely unphased. 

 

Lukas hates that he notices that, though.

 

Mrs. Hughes returns to addressing the rest of the class. “Today,” she continues, arms crossed over her chest, trying to regain the attention of those in the class who laughed at Liam’s eccentricity, “We’re going to be starting a project that will take you about a month. Oh, don’t groan, you millennials are so whiney, it’s not that bad. We will be studying the effects on a manufactured natural environment when met with different chemicals and outside causes. Over the course of a month, you and your partner will work together outside of class--”

 

That’s where Lukas zones out.

 

_ You and your partner. Outside of class. Together. _

 

Lukas’ brain kind of shuts down. He doesn’t really process the words until about two minutes after she’s said them, when there’s a pause in her words as she brings out a diagram of what they’re going to be doing. It’s then that the words sink in, and his thoughts immediately go to the implications of them.

 

_ You and your partner. Outside of class. Together. _

 

That means him and Philip would have to see each other, even outside of school. Probably somewhere like the library, which Lukas absolutely hates, or the cafeteria after school, which Lukas arguably hates even more. Unless Lukas can actually pay Newbie to do all the work without him, it means they’re going to have to be around each other even more than they already are, which of course makes Lukas want to blow his brains out.

 

He thought he was going to get a break. He thought maybe he was going to be able to settle back into his own, normal life, the one he had before Philip. Lukas stupidly thought he might actually be able to continue living his life normally even with Newbie there. Obviously, that is clearly not true. 

 

And unless he can figure out a way to get out of this project, out of his partner, or out of his overthinking mind, it’s only going to worse from here. Every waking minute will be spent either worrying about the project, hating Newbie, doing his fucking best not to do either of those things and, by proxy, doing them both at the same time.

 

Rose.

 

That’s his only ticket out of here -- Rose. If he can beg Mrs. Hughes to let him have his old partner back (for convenience’s sake, if nothing else), then he might be able to score a get out of jail free card. That’s what Lukas is banking on now.

 

After it seems like Mrs. Hughes has finished talking, Philip looks at him expectantly.

 

“What’s your problem?” Lukas says, spitting it at him because if his words could attack, he would want them to.

 

Philip shrugs. “You didn’t hear any of the explanation, did you?” He asks, instead of answering Lukas’ question, or maybe acting offended for once in his goddamn life. No, of course, Newbie has to turn this back on Lukas as if he had the upper hand the entire time. God, it’s fucking infuriating.

 

Lukas doesn’t reply. What’s he going to say? “No, fuck you, fuck off, go fuck yourself, don’t talk to me”? Absolutely not, the kid probably already gets that at this point anyway. He just shrugs, looks away, pretends not to be irritated by everything this guy says or does. More than anything, Lukas wants to be indifferent.

 

Newbie beside him doesn’t even act surprised. He just sighs, moves all of the equipment into the centre of the table and starts explaining. 

 

Lukas wants to ignore every word that comes out of the kid’s mouth. He wants to zone out, shake it off, say “fuck this shit,” and walk out or just accept the failing grade in silence. Both would work for him, but at the same time it’s not really an option. His father would kill him if he failed a class, especially because his interviews for sponsorships are really worried about his grades so far. He has to pay attention.

 

Even if Lukas wanted to let himself ignore the kid gracing him with a second explanation, he’s not sure it would work anyway. As he listens, doing his best to pay attention to the instructions and nothing else, Lukas finds himself instead honing in on Philip’s lips. He’s staring off into space, zoning out, and yet he hasn’t missed a single word Newbie has said. He thinks he could probably do the experiment in his sleep at this point.

 

“So the chemical-based stuff is what we’re doing today,” Newbie says, and Lukas wants to punch him for sounding so fucking condescending, but he also has to be grateful Philip is taking the time to repeat all this stuff to Lukas in the first place. “The project is different -- we already have the terrarium right here, and we’re just going to be injecting different shit into the soil the same time every week, and recording the effects. Get it?”

 

Lukas shrugs. Of course he gets it, now that he’s heard it properly, but he’s not going to give Newbie that kind of upfront satisfaction. So a shrug is all Lukas gives him, and then he’s thinking about how to get out of the project with Philip. He can’t take this shit for a month, he just can’t.

  
“Good,” Philip says, getting the sodium into the proper container to be combined with some other purple substance. “Now if you can just--”

 

“Whatever. I’ll be back.” 

 

Maybe cutting Philip off in the middle of his sentence was a tad overboard, but Lukas thinks he made up for it by gracing the kid with three words excusing himself and indicating he’ll be coming back -- that’s more than he would have given Newbie at any other time. Frankly, Lukas was prepared to just get up and start walking away while the kid was still talking, but he felt like being nice today.

 

He walks slowly up to the teacher’s desk. Mrs. Hughes is looking down at some papers, probably some 12th Grade tests she’s supposed to be grading or something, and seems to register Lukas approaching without even looking up. “Lukas,” She says, still looking at her desk, “what can I do for you now?” She looks up sharply at him, expecting him to pull some more shit, no doubt. It’s not like she’s  _ wrong _ , exactly. “Do you want a hand to hold? You want me to walk you to the bathroom this time?”

 

“No, Mrs. Hughes, um--” Lukas stutters, wondering why he thought this might be a good idea in the first place, since all his other interactions with this teacher have gone so fantastically well in the past. “I-I was just wondering if, you know, maybe I could go back to Rose? Like, for my partner?”

 

“You want me to let you switch back?” Mrs. Hughes echoes back to him, eyebrow raised and skeptical.

 

He hesitates again. “Y-yeah, just for the project. She and I -- I think I’d get more work done with her, and-- and we spend a lot of time together anyway, I just think it might be easier.” It’s phrased as an (albeit messy) sentence, but with the nervousness, the desperation Lukas feels right now, his pitch raises at the end like it’s a question anyway.

 

Mrs. Hughes, of course, seems to find joy in watching Lukas marinate in his own anxiety, and waits as long as possible to give him an answer. “I don’t think so, Waldenbeck. I gave you your new partner, and I don’t intend on changing my mind. You are free to leave Philip hanging and suffer the consequences of that, but just know that I’ll be watching,” She says, giving him a pointed look. Her voice is low, and if she wasn’t a teacher, it might sound like a threat. “If you leave all the work to that poor boy, I will know. And your grades will reflect it.”

 

“Mrs. Hughes, I--”

 

She simply sighs and laughs a little at him. “Oh for goodness sakes, Lukas, just go sit down already. You’re not going to change my mind, just give it the best you’ve got.”

 

So that’s that. Asking for Rose as a partner has changed approximately nothing about the project, or Lukas’ worries or fears about working with Philip, and now, to top it all off, his teacher thinks he’s even more of an idiot than she did previously.

 

He returns to his seat slowly, trying not to make eye contact with the boy at his desk, looking at him expectantly like he deserves an explanation or something. Like Lukas owes him anything at all. It takes everything in him not to scoff, turn right back around and inform Mrs. Hughes he’s dropping her class and never coming back, and Philip and Rose can get acquainted all they fucking want.

 

But even that thought irritates him. Maybe because he knows Philip is a good looking guy. Anyone would be jealous if a guy like that got to hang out with his girlfriend all the time, right? It’s not his fault if the pit of his stomach falls, twists up like a pretzel and forces him to imagine something,  _ anything _ else. Lukas can’t help sending a harsh look sideways in Philip’s direction, even though in theory he doesn’t really deserve it  _ yet _ . The kid has fucked everything up, and Lukas isn’t happy about it.

 

“You done now?” Philip says expectantly, like Lukas should be sorry for something. Like he has a right to expect anything from Lukas, like he has any power over him at all. It’s fucking infuriating.

 

Once again, Lukas only shrugs in response. “Whatever. Just give me the fucking vial of whatever.”

 

“Alright, hotshot. Here’s the sodium, we’re just going to combine these two, I think the experiment is for “jumping salt.” Just write down the amount that’s in there,” Philip says, and he doesn’t even give Lukas the courtesy of looking at him as he orders him around. He laughs, a little bitter at the beginning, calling Lukas a hotshot, and Lukas has to hold back the urge to run or maybe kick his teeth in.

 

“If you ever order me around again, you’ll be in a wheelchair.” Lukas has to verbally react. He’s not allowed to leave again without risking his grade, and it’s not like he can just freely deck Philip right then and there. No one can expel him if all he does is threaten the Newbie, though, that’s fair game. Not to mention, he has a reputation to keep up, and he can’t risk Newbie thinking he’s gone soft or has lost this battle or something.

 

Philip just laughs. After everything, he laughs. It’s bitter, he’s clearly not impressed, but more like shocked with how far Lukas will go. “Yeah, okay. Fine.” He sighs and looks at Lukas again, which he hasn’t done at all since Lukas came back to the desk. Clearly Newbie likes the power trip of talking to someone without gracing them with some decent fucking eye contact. “Let’s just get this done, then we can go back to uncomfortable silence.”

 

“Fine with me,” Lukas bites back, no leisure in his tone.

 

The rest of the day passes by very, very slowly.

 

*

 

Two days pass, (with Will and Miles asking him multiple times about his plans for Philip) leaving Lukas in his desk at English on Friday morning, staring out the window. Rose says something to him but he can’t be assed to pay her any attention, and he knows Philip is staring at him. He only allows himself to check once, but when he does, he gets the satisfaction of watching Philip hurriedly look away and try and pretend nothing happened. Finally, the reaction Lukas has been looking for.

 

English is frankly uneventful, other than a few birds that pass by the window and ambient noise coming from the teacher which Lukas understands just about as well as the “womp-womps” that come from the parents in Charlie Brown. It passes by slowly anyway, and Lukas opens up his Shakespeare if only to appear like he knows what he’s doing, or is paying any attention at all, but it’s a facade. He’s in his head for the whole class.

 

Math passes the same way. At this rate, there’s no way Lukas is going to pass any of his classes, but it’s something he’s going to have to accept because it’s impossible to get his brain back on track now. Near the end, though, Lukas gets bored and asks for a bathroom break. There’s only so much time Lukas can spend sitting in the same chair and trying not to think about anything too much or fall asleep.

 

When he gets to the bathroom, once again, there’s someone already there. It seems that Lukas can’t ever catch a break, have a bathroom to himself, calm down with some alone time. In fact, there are two pairs of shoes under the stall, so Lukas sighs and walks back out again. He instead heads for the front door of the school, praying to the gods he doesn’t believe in that the smokers aren’t out there to bug him or stare.

 

He walks out, free from stares of a group of people who -- thank those gods -- aren’t there right now. Lukas beelines for the bench beside the fence where he locks up his bike, if only because it’s somewhere quiet to sit, and even if he can’t ride his bike right now, at least he can fantasize about it as he calms himself down.

 

It’s not like he’s completely losing it yet or anything, he just needs to not be in class. He’s felt antsy for almost a straight two weeks now, no one can really blame him if he needs a little break from class every once in awhile, whether Newbie is in that specific class or not.

 

But of course, as he’s sitting down onto the bench, Lukas notices someone leaning against the wall of the school, head in their hands with their knees hugged to their chest. For a moment, it pains Lukas, because he looked that way often at school after his mom died. He did his best to hide it from everyone, as this kid is doing, but it’s a very specific kind of pain that you can’t smile through. You can’t keep going forever, and eventually your resolve breaks. If anyone knows that feeling, it’s Lukas, and he had to go through it alone. Instinctively, he wants to make sure no one else has to.

 

Even if it means approaching a boy who, now that Lukas thinks about it, is slowly looking more and more like the exact kid he planned on avoiding as much as possible. His brown hair falls in waves onto his arms, his messenger bag lying on the floor beside him. The boy’s back isn’t shaking much, meaning he probably isn’t crying, but his breath is heavy and that alone is tell enough.

 

“H-- um, hey,” Lukas starts, and sure, he stutters, but no one has to know. It’s so quiet, and the only person around is Newbie, so it’s not like it matters. He can just bully Philip into never telling anyone and forgetting it happened in the first place, right?

 

The boy’s head raises only slightly, looking at Lukas out of the corner of his eye. He seems to recognize Lukas and raise his head a little more, eyebrows pulling together into a skeptical look which, to be fair, Lukas has kind of warranted. He doesn’t blame the poor kid. “What do you want?” Philip asks, in a tone so resigned yet confrontational that Lukas has to fight not to flinch. He knows he’s seen as popular, intimidating, maybe even one of the bullies -- but he’s not going to kick Philip while he’s down. 

 

It occurs to him that maybe it’s not just Lukas alone that Philip is afraid of right now, but that this has happened before. Maybe it’s not unusual for people like Lukas to hurt him even while he’s already in pain, and the thought makes Lukas’ gut turn with what must be general anger at the human race.

 

Lukas fumbles over his words again. He doesn’t know how to answer, so instead he asks something else in response. “A-are you okay?”

 

“What do you care?”

 

It’s another response that makes Lukas flinch just slightly. Philip has his guards up higher than Lukas originally thought, but maybe that’s just poor character reading on his part. Once again, it’s a question he can’t answer. He doesn’t know why he approached Philip, or why he cares, or why he’s there at all. It seems their conversation has consisted almost solely of unanswerable questions.

 

Maybe Philip is unable to answer Lukas’ question just as Lukas is unable to answer his. “I don’t,” Lukas says, because he doesn’t. Not specifically, about Philip. He’d do this for anyone, it has nothing to do with the identity of the kid in front of him. Philip rests his head back in his hands, not bothering to keep looking at Lukas. He can’t say he blames him. 

 

Instead of saying anything else, Lukas just sits down beside him. The ground isn’t too muddy -- it’s also not particularly clean, either, but it doesn’t really matter. He was going out to sit here anyway, why not give the kid some company. It’s nothing someone else wouldn’t do. 

 

There’s nothing to do but wait, sit there in silence and try not to think too much. He feels for Philip, he really does -- on an impersonal sense, of course. If the kid’s going through a hard time, Lukas has no plans to make it harder. He’s rude to the boy because he knows he can take it, but now -- now it would just seem like going unnecessarily overboard. “Just tell me if you want me to leave,” Lukas says, very quietly. It’s not really like him to do this, sit with someone he barely knows in silence because it seems like they’re in trouble, but he doesn’t have anything else to do and he doesn’t feel like being in Math, either. Maybe Philip won’t register that it’s out of character. In fact, maybe he’ll tell Lukas to go fuck himself and they can continue the rest of their day normally, as planned.

 

But Philip doesn’t say anything. He takes deep breaths into his back, and if it were someone else there, maybe Lukas would put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. Make him feel safe. 

 

It’s a few minutes before Philip finally speaks. It’s very quiet, very soft, and his voice seems hoarse, like he hasn’t used it enough -- or used it too much. “My mom relapsed. She has to be readmitted to rehab and the process starts all over again.”

 

Lukas waits before he responds. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, he doesn’t want Philip to think he can’t be trusted. “Is she okay?” He finally asks, because it seems like the safest thing to do -- it’s also the most important thing to focus on in a situation like that, right?

 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Philip sighs, running his hands through his hair and gripping onto the ends for a second before letting them go. “It means at least another six months before the judge decides whether I’m allowed to see her or not.”

 

So that means Philip being here is temporary. The sheriff didn’t take in a kid permanently, she’s just putting him up until the law says he can go back to his mom. Lukas hopes, for a moment, before he catches himself, that Philip’s life is better back in the city. That the people at school treat him well and he has friends -- maybe even a girlfriend back home. 

 

He cuts that thought off short. No, he doesn’t care whether Philip is happy or not, or whether he has a girlfriend. That’s none of his business and the fact that he’s even thought about it at all makes him feel sick.

 

“She’s already been to rehab?” Lukas asks, to get his mind off everything else his brain is focusing on, and if that helps Philip too, then so be it.

 

The boy beside him just sighs. He lifts his head and looks up at the sky, which is bleak and grey as per usual. “She was in for a visit last week and really liked it, I thought she was excited-- she was supposed to go in yesterday, but when Helen and Gabe went to take her in, they found her--”

 

The bell rings, audible even from outside. Philip cuts off instinctively and lets out another sigh, but doesn’t seem to be making any moves to get up or go to class or anything.

 

Lukas doesn’t have that option. His friends are going to be waiting for him in the lunchroom, and he’s already skipped the last quarter of Math class. He’s got to pray Rose has picked up his books and his backpack. He starts to get up, brushing off his pants and turning toward the door to the school.

 

Right before he does, Philip looks up at him, and Lukas stops moving for a moment.

 

“Thanks--” Philip starts, but Lukas doesn’t let him finish.

 

“Don’t,” he says, harshly, back to his original tone. It means a thousand things: don’t thank me, don’t think about it, don’t assume I’m any nicer, don’t tell anyone, don’t talk to me, don’t sit here and wallow. He doesn’t stay to make sure Philip understands any of them, and instead walks, without another look back, into the school. He doesn’t even make sure Philip is actually getting up, or breathing at all. He’s a big kid, Lukas isn’t his babysitter. He can get up and keep fighting on his own. And if it takes a lot of fighting within Lukas to make sure he doesn’t turn back to check at all, well, no one else needs to know.

 

Not to mention, Lukas has friends to get to, and it occurs to him that maybe those friends wouldn’t have been as nice to Newbie as he was. Maybe it wasn’t as normal a thing to do as he thought it was. It was a perfect opportunity that Lukas is sure either Will or Miles would have taken, if not the rest of them, and for a moment he wonders if it was fate that he found Philip and not one of his other friends.

  
Lukas forces himself to shake it all off. He’s not going to dwell on choices he’s already made -- he decided to be nice, to give comfort to someone who feels the same as he did once. No one can blame him for that. He tries his best not to think about it at all as he walks to lunch, instead focusing on what the hell he’s going to tell Rose to explain why he skipped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thanks for reading!! i'm glad you guys are hanging in there, and your comments really really motivate me to get the next chapter out as fast as possible. y'all are great!!! keep the comments coming!!
> 
> tumblr: grimegarage
> 
> EDIT 2: i now have a chapter and a half in the bank. i'm still deciding between enemies to lovers vs. enemies to friends to lovers, so if you have any input on that i'd love to hear it! i might post a poll about it next chapter as well!!!!! let me know :)))))


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for waiting, you guys!! as per usual, let me know if you find mistakes or inconsistencies in grammar or plot :-)))

When the weekend finally arrives, Lukas isn’t as excited as he was the previous week. No, this time he’s dreading it. Hell, he even dreads the weekend by Thursday, before the Big News hits him.

 

The “Big News” of course being what Philip tells him on Friday at their desks in third period, hushed whispers that Lukas prays no one else can hear. “We have to start working on that project,” he says, and Lukas whips around to look at him. The boy doesn’t get the hint, doesn’t lower his voice _or_ drop the conversation altogether, he just continues. “Are you doing anything important this weekend?”

 

Lukas wants to say yes. He wants so badly to make up two thousand important things he has to do with his father, or for the farm and the chickens, or homework or with Rose, or _anything_ holy fuck _._ He wants to tell Newbie he’s moving to Antarctica or Nebraska or he has a surgery or he’s got a job going into space.

 

But he doesn’t. He can’t. He’s never been the best liar, especially when he’s put on the spot, and when he’s asked to lie he usually just stays silent instead. But Lukas can’t stay quiet here, and even if he did have an excuse, he’d have to meet up with Newbie eventually. He’ll dread it, and he’s barely sure he’ll even survive, and he’s going to need to hold back on a thousand words or actions that aren’t particularly nice -- but he has to suck it up. There’s no choice in the equation. If there were, trust him, Lukas would take it.

 

“I’m busy not hanging out with you,” Lukas bites, because he’s essentially saying he’s not doing anything but he’s doing it in a way that doesn’t give in.

 

Philip has the audacity to actually laugh. “I don’t want to hang out with you, I want to pass this project so I don’t have to stick around in this shithole any longer than necessary. Give me a real answer this time,” He says, not even defensive, just bored. He’s not even angry, he’s just not impressed.

 

It drives Lukas _insane_. The least he could do is act a little pissed off,  maybe defensive or upset or frustrated or _anything_. Any kind of reaction would be better than the indifference Lukas has been consistently given by Philip from the beginning. No one has ever been indifferent to Lukas, no one has simply ignored him like a particularly annoying fly, and it’s not a nice feeling. It makes him want a reaction from Philip that much more.

 

“I’ve got a date with Rose on Sunday.”

 

There’s a brief moment where Philip’s face freezes. Nothing in his expression really changes, but it’s a noticeable flaw in the programming, where he’s -- stuck, maybe? Caught off guard? Maybe he didn’t think Lukas was dating anyone. Maybe he’s got a crush on Rose, which, this time, doesn’t make him angry as much as… uncomfortable, maybe. Someone like Rose couldn’t be with someone like Philip. They’re two vastly different sectors of the planet, they wouldn’t just _mix._ He’d be jealous, if that were the case, of course, but for now Lukas refuses to believe it. He doesn’t want to think about how he’d feel if it were true.

 

But it’s only a small moment, and before long Philip has recovered and he’s back to judging or being unimpressed with Lukas. It was such a brief falter of personality that Lukas almost wonders if he imagined it. The conversation moves on so quickly that he has no time to analyze whether it actually happened, or whether there was something else going on in the room that Philip may have been reacting to.

 

He just sighs and looks at their equipment again, like always, refusing to look at Lukas even while addressing him. “Anything else vitally important there, hotshot?”

 

“Might need to help my dad. That’s it.”

 

Philip huffs out a sarcastic laugh that sounds almost tired. “Great. I’m sure we can work around your busy schedule.”

 

“Hey,” Lukas bites back, defensive, “You asked.”

 

Philip actually looks at him when he replies, shockingly, and Lukas is taken aback for maybe a third of a second. “Yeah, it was-- whatever. Saturday good for you?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Great! So thankful for your input,” Philip says, low, kind of to himself, rolling his eyes and looking away again.

 

On some level, Lukas is kind of thankful they’re at each other’s throats right now. He kind of half-thought that their conversation the other day might have messed things up, given Philip the wrong impression. He doesn’t want to be friends with this boy, he doesn’t want to be known as the one who comforted him. They’re back to their old dynamic, and while Lukas feels a little off about it, he’s sure it’ll go away soon. He’s always felt a little weird concerning Philip, this is no different.

 

“Alright,” Philip says, getting out a piece of paper and a pen, which confuses Lukas for a second before he continues speaking. “Here’s Helen’s address and my number, just text me before you’re coming over or whatever.”

 

Lukas doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t want to add Philip’s number into his contacts, he never wanted to get to that point with him, but it seems like Philip is just as reluctant to give it as Lukas is to accept. At least there’s no miscommunication there about what they are to each other or anything. And as much as Lukas wants to never text him, never go to his house, never do anything with him -- there’s also no other way around it. He doesn’t feel like trying

to find Philip on social media to try and contact him there, he doesn’t want to see pictures from Philip’s old life, but they also need to do this project, so.

 

He takes the piece of paper and adds the number into his phone without protest about that part. Philip’s house, though -- that he can protest. “Why do I have to go to your house?” He says, and he kind of feels like a little kid when he says it, like it’s the most ridiculous thing to protest in the world. But he’s also bitter, and doesn’t want to see Sheriff Torrance again, so it’s not like he regrets saying it, either.

 

“Because if we go to yours, you won’t pay attention.” Philip’s reply comes without hesitation, as though he was expecting Lukas to protest and has already thought the idea through in depth.

 

On some level, he’s kind of thankful Philip doesn’t see any reason for them to work at Lukas’ place. Newbie has invaded enough of his life already, and inviting him into his literal house and bedroom would probably make things a thousand times worse. Lukas is offended anyway, of course, because he feels like he should be. “What the hell does that mean?”

 

“It means,” Philip says, looking at him again, “that if you’re in your house, you’re going to be comfortable and easily distracted, and you can easily just fuck off to your backyard to dick around on that dirtbike instead of helping me, and I’ll end up doing all the work. Then you will fail the course because you didn’t learn anything, and both you and your merry band of ass-kickers will blame me and I don’t feel like walking around with a black eye for the rest of the semester.”

 

It all sounds so simple coming out of his mouth. Lukas almost agrees with him out of instinct before he thinks better of it. “Don’t insult my dirtbike.”

 

“Out of everything I said, that’s what you paid attention to? That’s what you’re offended by?” Philip says it like it’s supposed to mean something. As if he should be offended by anything else.

 

Lukas’ reply comes out confused. “Uh, y-yeah?”

 

All he gets is a scoff and a “Whatever,” in return, and it bugs him to no end.

 

*

 

That was Friday. For the rest of that day Lukas had ignored what any of it meant, and how it might actually affect his weekend or his mood in a physical way. It felt more like a dream, like an argument he had with Philip for fun that would have no real world consequences relating to anything like how he might feel as Friday comes to a close and Saturday draws nearer.

 

It becomes clear, once school ends on that Friday, that the weekend isn’t going to be his saving grace this time. Where before he could argue with himself in peace, and distract himself from thoughts about school or homework or how irritating Newbie is _alone_ and in the comfort of his own home, Philip has now specifically constructed Saturday so every aspect of that is impossible.

 

Not only does he have to solely focus on work, but he has to do it in the presence of Newbie, in the guy’s home, seeing and talking to his foster parents, without any other distractions. It’s going to be hard to think about anything but the irritating city kid while he’s within a 5-foot radius of him for who knows how long, and if there’s anything in the world Lukas could dread more, he’s yet to think of it.

 

Saturday comes too soon.

 

They never talked about a good time for either of them, whether it’s in the morning or the afternoon or whether after dinner is best, but Lukas, for a moment, allows himself not to care. It’s 11a.m. and Philip doesn’t even have Lukas’ number, seeing as he refused to text the kid in class or before today anyway, so he doesn’t really feel bad going out for a quick bike ride to get rid of his thoughts.

 

Except for once in his life, it doesn’t really work. He rides too fast on back roads, out to the cabin, looking for places to jump and everything, but none of it works -- always on the back of his mind is what Philip’s room looks like, how he’s supposed to interact with Sheriff Torrance and her husband, and how the hell he’s going to survive being in the same room as Philip for that long with no breaks.

 

He considers telling them he smokes just so he can have a chance to go out every once in a while for a breath of fresh air, but the lie wouldn’t hold up. He’s never held a cigarette in his life and he certainly doesn’t have a pack on him or anything. No, he’s just going to have to stick it out.

 

As he flies through the trees surrounding his dad’s cabin, trying his best to make his mind go blank, he finally gets a brief period of peace.

 

But even then, every so often he gets a flash of something in his memory, like a familiar smell or pair of Vans, or a glimpse of Newbie’s jacket. None of it makes any sense, but he feels calmer than he did when he woke up, so Lukas returns to his house by 1p.m. He makes himself some lunch and decides to finally text Newbie, whose number he doesn’t add a name to. He can’t think about it for long, so he writes and sends the text in between flipping his grilled cheese so he doesn’t have the time to overthink or regret doing it.

 

**When should I come over?**

 

is all it says. It’s such a mundane thing to write that it should probably irritate Lukas, but it doesn’t really get under his skin the way it should. He writes it off as being distracted and doesn’t inspect that thought further.

 

_Doesn’t matter. We eat dinner at 6:30, don’t come after 10._

 

The reply comes fifteen minutes later, enough time and space for Lukas to regret sending the message at all, or not dropping the class the minute Newbie walked in, or wonder if maybe he typed in the number wrong and had texted someone else. He even wondered, for a moment, if Philip had given him someone else’s phone number just to prank him.

 

It occurs to Lukas that he didn’t really address his text, nor did he say who it was from, but Philip assumed anyway. Did he figure it out by process of elimination or does he really not have that many people texting him? Did it take him so long to reply because he was busy, or because he doesn’t get many texts so he doesn’t check his phone often?

 

He’s thinking about it too much. Lukas shakes his head and really thinks about the timeframe. If he goes anywhere close to 10p.m., it’s going to give him too many hours to stress about it. It’s better to just get it over with so he can come back home and think about _anything else,_ the same way it’s better to just do what his dad says immediately and without complaint.

 

**Fine. I’m coming at 4.**

 

_Fine._

 

He sent the text at 1:30, meaning he has three hours and change before he has to leave. Three hours to stir in his own thoughts, trying to focus on anything else. It’s too much time. It’s not enough time.

 

For a brief moment within those three hours, Lukas wonders if it’s normal to be this pressed about a simple project with a guy in your class.

 

He settles on an answer when he’s thought about it too much and feels weird, which is of course “yes, when he’s this irritating and life keeps throwing him at you even when you just want things to go back to normal.” It’s good enough for him, and it’s not like anyone else is going to ask. And if they do, now Lukas has an answer for them, an answer that makes perfect sense.

 

Whatever. Eventually, Lukas saddles up and gets on his bike, unable to eat anything else before he heads over. He thought about texting Philip to ask if he needs to bring anything, but he also doesn’t really want to text Philip any more than he absolutely has to. Instead, Lukas shoves his Chemistry textbook and binder into his backpack and figures it should be fine. He barely even says goodbye to his dad before he’s throwing on his helmet and racing off the Waldenbeck property line.

 

It doesn’t take long to get to Philip’s place. Or… Sheriff Torrance’s place? In any case, it’s pretty out of town, but the address is familiar. It’s on part of the single-lane highway that leads north, further upstate, and the turn off happens to be one Lukas has taken multiple times before cutting off into dirt paths that continue on further, before you even get to their driveway. It’s not hard to find once Lukas reminds himself to keep following the paved road, not the dirt path (which he probably helped create in the first place) solely out of muscle memory.

 

The wind of the past few days has died down as Lukas rides, and he doesn’t really get the satisfaction of the chill through his jacket that he usually gets when riding north, but he doesn’t mind. Instead he feels kind of warm, and for a while he manages to focus on that and the view of the trees instead of what it’s going to be like in Philip’s house.

 

Eventually he finds their gravel driveway -- which is abnormally long and runs almost parallel to the road anyway -- and then their house, a large wooden cabin-type building gated in by gardens and a fence that in reality, probably wouldn’t do much of anything it’s needed for protection-wise. It’s more likely just there for decoration, if the bushes around it are any indication. Still, it’s not what Lukas was expecting, and the house is definitely bigger than he was imagining it. There’s some shed-like buildings off to the right of the house that Lukas notices only because they’re typical of old properties in the boonies, but the house in this one seems too new -- the barn-type structures look out of place. Actually, logically, the house does. It looks like it’s but cut from a magazine and pasted into the shittiest, colourless small town anyone could think of.

 

Not that Lukas doesn’t love Tivoli, it’s just not the first place he’d think to renovate a super nice, fancy cabin if he won the lottery or something.

 

It takes him a while before he actually knocks on the door. He distracts himself with his bike for a couple minutes, pretending to inspect what looks like a flake in the paint but is actually just mud, though deep down he knows he’s just procrastinating. Delaying the moment when he has to actually knock on the door and somehow _not die_ for what he’s hoping will be only 20 minutes, but will probably be more like an hour.

 

Finally, Lukas makes his way up to the door. He takes a deep breath and knocks, convincing himself that it can’t actually be that bad. In fact, it could be worse. He could be kidnapped and murdered somewhere in the woods -- or, you know, spending at least an hour doing work you’re terrible at in the house and presence of a guy you hate.

 

 _Goodie_.

 

It’s Sheriff Torrance who answers the door, and she has this look on her face that’s probably not supposed to look smug, but is anyway. “Hello, Lukas,” she says, and somewhere a voice calls her name. It’s not Philip’s voice, so Lukas assumes it’s her husband. The Sheriff sighs and seems to relax, her shoulders dropping pretty noticeably and her face easing into a more pleasant smile. Lukas automatically figures it’s a code between her and her husband, Gabe, because he steps into the picture seconds later with a hand on her back. “Come on in,” Sheriff Torrance says, pleasantly, before stepping to the side.

 

“He’s just upstairs,” Gabe continues for her, and goes over to the wall next to the door. “You can put your shoes and coat on this rack. We’re having steak for dinner, you’re welcome to stay.”

 

Absolutely not.

 

Obviously Lukas can’t _say_ that, but absolutely not. He kind of hates that they’re being so nice, that Gabe is such a likeable person. Twenty words in and Lukas already trusts him more than anyone else in the house, and one of them has _literally_ legally sworn to protect him. Still, he feels like there’s a reason Gabe is being extra careful around him, he just doesn’t know it yet.

 

He definitely doesn’t want to think about whether or not Philip comes home from school and talks about him to his new family over steak and potatoes. What would he say? Would he talk about what an asshole Lukas is?

 

Is he walking into the Torrance house known as the kid who’s a douchebag to the son they’re fostering?

 

Suddenly Lukas feels the need to sit down and reevaluate everything that’s happened since he stepped foot onto their property, but he doesn’t really have the chance. He’s taken off his shoes and doesn’t really have the opportunity to stand in their doorway contemplating lifestyle choices without it being super weird, so thanks them and is silently forced to go upstairs. He has to go up there eventually, he knows it, but if it weren’t for Gabe directing him to Philip’s room and leading him up the staircase, Lukas is genuinely worried he’d just turn around and book it out of there as fast as humanly possible and then some.

 

He doesn’t really have a choice anymore. He can’t dawdle around like he did outside or before he left his own house -- not with Gabe waiting at the top of the staircase and nodding at him encouragingly.

 

How does he know Lukas is hesitant anyway? Is he psychic, or would he do this for anyone? Does it have anything to do with anything Philip may have told them about him at school?

 

There are an approximate assload of questions floating around in Lukas’ brain that he doesn’t exactly have the time to answer for himself right now. He’s running out of time, and it’s getting weirder and weirder for him to be standing just outside Philip’s room for this long.

 

It’s only after he’s thanked Gabe --  who’s now finally walking back down the stairs -- with a single hand up, halfway into knocking on the bedroom door, that Lukas realizes it might not just be Philip who’s talked about Lukas in their house. Sheriff Torrance has obviously met him twice now, and been arguably too nice to him for a former city cop on the roads of a small town. Maybe she’s come home with stories about him too.

 

What kind of person does he come off as to them, and Gabe specifically, that he would be so nice?

 

“Wow, you actually showed up,” Philip says to him in lieu of a hello as he opens the door. He looks… like a normal kid. He’s got on a pair of sweats and a form-fitting longsleeve, and Lukas has to admit it’s a look that suits him. He hates it, though, admitting something like that about Philip, of course. Obviously he does. “Lukas Waldenbeck, full of surprises. I should alert the media.” His tone is thoroughly sarcastic, completely deadpan. Nothing can shake this guy.

 

Then Lukas realizes his eyes are wandering in a way that might give Philip the wrong idea. He scoffs, just in case, but when he looks up, it’s had no effect on Philip, who simply raises an eyebrow like Lukas is the weird one. “Whatever,” Lukas says, for good measure. “Can we get this over with?”

 

Philip rolls his eyes but steps to the side, allowing Lukas to walk through.

 

His room is… also pretty normal. Lukas isn’t sure whether he was expecting to walk through the gates of hell and into the fiery pits, or at least into a garbage dump with holes in the ceiling -- whatever it was, it wasn’t this. For whatever reason, Lukas had been under the impression Philip ceased to exist in a physical form except when in the presence of Lukas himself, who always tries his best to ignore him anyway. It’s weird to know Philip has his own life outside of school, outside of Lukas’ thoughts about him and his pretentious city kid looks and tendencies.

 

Maybe that should worry him, and Lukas is sure it will later, but for now he walks in and surveys every corner. Once again, he’s not sure what he’s expecting to find on the walls or under the desk in Philip’s room. Satanic rituals maybe, portals to other worlds, dirty underwear, or for everything to be bare like a hospital room.

 

But no, it’s pretty personalized. He has books strewn all over his desk and desktop computer that looks pretty dusty. He’s got posters on the wall too, but not ones Lukas would expect, like screamo bands or something. Instead, the walls are covered with cliche canvas photos, like one of the suspension bridge in San Francisco, and a Pink Floyd album cover.

 

Absently, Lukas wonders if Philip has been to San Francisco, or if he actually listens to Pink Floyd, or if he actually likes any of these pictures on the wall at all. Maybe Sheriff Torrance and Gabe threw up some stuff just to make it feel more home-y and Philip hasn’t found the time to take them down yet.

 

That’s the assumption Lukas settles with, in the end. He doesn’t want to think about Philip liking the same bands he does, or having any personality at all outside of “that pretentious asshole city kid.”

 

“You done judging yet?”

 

“No, I haven’t found anything embarrassing enough.” He’s said it before he’s actually made the decision to, and he notices after that it sounds like he’s joking. He’s not joking, he’s really trying to catch Philip on something here. He wants Philip to be afraid of what Lukas is going to torment him about from here on in.

 

But instead, Philip laughs, in a way that sounds too easy for who they are to each other (enemies, of course -- except enemies would imply equal playing ground, when obviously that’s not true). “My Hello Kitty diary is in the top left drawer of the desk.”

 

Once again, Lukas is laughing before he really means to. “Shut up,” he says, in a way that’s, once again, way too friendly for the person he’s talking to. He wants to say he’s just doing it to make Philip nervous, but in reality he can’t really help it -- and it’s not like Philip is even close to nervous right now anyway.

 

At least there’s no one from school here to judge.

 

“I thought you wanted to get this over with,” Philip says from where he is on his bed, backpack in hand and binder open in front of him, “but now you’re just inspecting my room.”

 

“I wasn’t kidding,” Lukas replies. “I’m not having fun, I just know there’s something in here that proves you’re exactly the kind of friendless freak we both know you are.”

 

“If you know it already, why do you need proof?”

 

Lukas falters, but he tries to make sure it doesn’t show. “To show the school, obviously.”

 

“Great plan,” Philip says, nodding, and he hums. “Just a few issues there.” Lukas refuses to turn around, but he doesn’t say anything else, either. “Number one, the school already knows as much as you and I do. And number two, what happened to you ‘not giving a shit?’”

 

Lukas shrugs, still not turning around. He’s not sure what his face would give away right now, and he doesn’t want Philip to call him out on anything else right now. “It’d be funny. I’m bored, I don’t want to work. Is that too complicated for you?” He says, and it’s venom coming out of his mouth. He finally turns around and Philip looks confused, eyebrows drawn together in a way that looks like maybe he’s also a little afraid.

 

It’s a very small victory for Lukas.

 

“Whatever. You’re not going to find anything, I don’t live here. Let’s just get the work done and then you can go fuck off to your group of friends and sing campfire songs about how weird I am, or whatever the fuck else you do with your spare time.”

 

There are so many points Lukas wants to combat with that sentence that he settles for going for none of them. He just shrugs, grabs his backpack and sits at the desk, as far away from Philip as he possibly can.

 

*

 

After going over the project as best they can and actually finding a container for their miniature, admittedly pretty pathetic, man-made ecosystem, it’s pretty quiet. It’s been about an hour and a half, part of which they had to spend analyzing the terrarium they were given and shit. Thank fuck Philip actually had the forethought to go out and buy a container that looks even remotely circular, because otherwise they’d be stuck with a cardboard box, and Lukas seems to remember even through multiple zoned-out hazes in class that Mrs. Hughes would dock 10% from the project for that alone.

 

They haven’t said much the entire time. Lukas keeps going to say something funny, a joke he’s thought of, but then he remembers where he is. This doesn’t even happen with his friends or Rose anymore -- he never has anything to say around them anyway. But he keeps having to remind himself that it’s Philip he’s here with, and they’re not friends. He doesn’t want Philip thinking they’re friends.

 

Once, Lukas risks a glance over at where Philip is leaned over his work, rereading instructions or something equally pointless.

 

He regrets doing it, but once he’s looking, Lukas can’t force himself to look away. He knows Philip’s been staring at him every so often, too, like he does in class, but Lukas has done his best to ignore it. Every time he catches Philip, he gets this surge of what must be irritation that pulses through his body and makes his stomach uneasy. It’s not pleasant, but he hasn’t lashed out or anything, so Lukas settles for ignoring it.

 

But while he’s looking at Philip, Lukas can’t help noticing weird things about him. Like how he’s never seen the kid’s hair look bad, or how the shirt hugs his shoulders in a way that’ got to be almost uncomfortable. His room almost has a different smell to it than the rest of the house, and Lukas wishes with all his heart he could say it resembled curdled milk, but it doesn’t. Lukas can’t place it, but there’s a familiar smell in there somewhere, and it’s not unpleasant. None of it is unpleasant, except the feeling in his chest.

 

Lukas feels a little bit like he’s in another dimension. One where he hasn’t thought about decking Philip for hours, and in fact, being irritated by him while in his presence is almost preferable to being irritated by him just in thought. The only relief Lukas has actually gotten from his antsy irritation caused by Philip is here, in his room. Who the fuck knows why, because Lukas know’s he’s not exactly totally relaxed, not to mention he’s in the presence of the person he hates the most -- but at least he can physically see the person it’s directed at, right? Maybe that’s what’s been driving him crazy.

 

They still haven’t written much down when Gabe calls up to Philip’s room for dinner.

 

He knows he can’t stay. Lukas doesn’t _want_ to stay. He doesn’t want to eat steak with them and wonder who’s talked about him more or, frankly, at _all_ , or what they think of him or what he’s supposed to say, or -- yeah, it just sounds bad all over. But they’re also not finished.

 

“Okay,” Philip says out the door of his room in reply to Gabe. He closes the door behind him before walking over to his bed to close up his notes and everything. His face looks relaxed in a way Lukas can’t say he’s ever seen it (not that he’s known Philip that long anyway), and his calmness is different now than it usually is in school. Instead of a front, it seems real. Maybe the most real thing Lukas has ever seen from him, verbal or not. “You coming down, or are you just going to sit here and try to go through all my shit?” It’s not an attack -- it’s almost a joke, like the friendly ones they were making before. It throws Lukas off almost more than Newbie usually does.

 

Lukas hesitates. He doesn’t like Philip, obviously, but he’s also not a monster. He’s not the most polite of teenagers -- being that his mother died before she could teach a lot of things and his father was more focused on the proper way to chop wood -- but he knows how rude it would be to say “nah, fuck your family, I’m going to twiddle my thumbs up here for an hour while you eat just so I can escape ever having to spend time with any of you.” As true as all of that may be, it’s still rude to say or imply it. He has to come up with something else.

 

“Uh, I don’t think so,” Lukas says, starting to pack up his backpack. He laughs bitterly, once again making sure Philip doesn’t get the misguided idea that they’re friends, and he doesn’t really care if it’s convincing to Philip -- he just doesn’t want the kid’s foster parents to hate him. For whatever reason, the thought really kind of bugs him. “I have very important plans to do anything that isn’t _that_. Tell Sheriff Torrance and Gabe that I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, but my dad called me home.”

 

Philip just scoffs in response. “What makes you think I’m going to paint you as a nice guy? You don’t like any of us, you’re an asshole, and you’d rather die than -- God forbid -- eat a nice dinner with us, why would I tell them anything different?”

 

“Because I asked you to.”

 

This is where Philip loses it. Just starts laughing right in Lukas’ face. Maybe that might not have been the right answer. “God, that’s funny. The idea that I might do _anything_ just because _you_ asked me to? That’s rich.”

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

He starts to walk toward Philip’s bedroom door. At this point it doesn’t seem like there’s anything he can tell Philip to change his mind, or sound less like a douchebag. There isn’t really anything else to do but escape, or at least _try,_ so that’s what he goes for. He’s a little confused as to how they suddenly got so hostile after a couple hours of working pretty much in peace, at the very least -- but he’s also pretty sure whatever it was is probably Lukas’ fault, so it’s not like he can actually complain. Not that he would complain anyway; this is how they’re supposed to be. This is their relation to each other.

 

In any case, he’s fine not to dwell on it as long as he can make it out of this godforsaken house and into his own.

 

Then again, Lukas also knows that since Philip first showed his mug at school, nothing has gone Lukas’ way. So when he goes for the door and is stopped by Philip’s steady hand, firm on his chest, Lukas thinks he almost shouldn’t be surprised. Philip has made it his job to derail Lukas’ life as he knows it, and it seems like he’s already a professional at doing so, judging by the way his face looks while he holds his hand on Lukas’ chest like he _knows_ it’s driving him insane. “Oh no you don’t,” Philip says, face completely calm in a way that makes Lukas want to hit something.

 

God, it would be so nice to punch this kid. Just get it over with, knock every smug look off his face. Rid him of his pretentious city kid sense of superiority with a few knuckles to the jaw, show him what life in the boonies is really like. It would feel so good, so satisfying. Right? It would, that’s how he’s supposed to feel.

 

He doesn’t, though. He just backs up, allowing Philip’s hand to drop, and while it feels like he’d been standing there for decades, really only a minute or so has passed. The rest of Philip’s sentence feels light years late, but in reality it’s probably only briefly delayed, enough for him to stare Lukas directly in the eyes when he stops him from leaving and rip his sense of security out from under him. Hell, it seems like Philip enjoyed doing it. “We’re not finished our work yet. We still have to set up the planetarium up somewhere neither of us will see it every day.”

 

“It doesn’t say that on the instructions,” Lukas says, even though he hasn’t really been listening to or reading them anyway. He’s bluffing, mostly. It could definitely say that on the instructions and he would never know.

 

Philip just crosses his arms, holding his ground. “It does, actually.” Fuck. “We have to be able to monitor the progress at scheduled intervals, so it can’t live in our rooms or we’ll get used to the changes and stop noticing them.”

 

It sounds believable enough, but Lukas doesn’t buy it. Then again, it’s not like he has anything to back up his skepticism, so he can’t really call Philip on it. “Fine,” he says, and tries his best not to sound as stubborn as he feels. He doesn’t want Philip to think that he’s really all that torn up about it. No, he doesn’t care. Lukas is indifferent. When it comes to Philip, Lukas is always indifferent. “Text me about it later, I’m going home.”

 

“Fine,” Philip bites back, but it seems a lot more effortless than Lukas’ had been. “We’re going to have to meet up again before the weekend’s over.”

 

Lukas lets out a glotteral sigh, brief in his pure disgust. “God, don’t remind me.” He’s finally able to walk past Philip, who now just seems to be looking at him with laughter in his eyes. He’s not actually laughing at Lukas outloud, but his face makes it clear that’s what he’s doing in his head.

 

“Whatever. I’ll make sure Helen and Gabe know you’re a dick.”

 

“Yeah, while you’re at it, let them know how much you like it,” Lukas snipes back.

 

He realizes his comeback is a little ambiguous of course _after_ it’s already out of his mouth, so he follows it up with one of the sharpest laughs he’s ever heard come out of his own mouth. Lukas knows he’s calling Philip gay, saying he likes dick, and while the insult came out a little weird, he’s still expecting Philip to be at least shaken by it. And when he searches Philip for a reaction, for the second time, Philip looks frozen, a little stunned -- like he did when Lukas mentioned having a date with Rose. It really doesn’t add up, but Lukas isn’t going to spend the time analyzing it, either.

 

Somewhere in Lukas’ mind, there’s a reason he chose that insult out of all of them, but he doesn’t feel like trying to figure out what that is right now, so he completely ignores it. Philip, once he recovers, instead of looking even a little offended, starts laughing out loud. “Go home, Lukas. Come back with better insults tomorrow.”

 

Since there isn’t much else Lukas can say without shoving his entire foot in his mouth, he just rolls his eyes and storms out. He collects himself as he’s walking down the stairs, making sure to apologize kindly to Sheriff Torrance and her husband, but he doesn’t say much else. Just quietly lets himself out the front door and practically books it to his bike.

 

His ride home consists almost solely of back paths, breaking the speed limit and revving the engine louder than his own brain, drowning out his thoughts. It’s nice while it lasts, but then he arrives home and has to avoid looking his father in the eye for some reason he can’t place, ducking his head down and bringing his microwave dinner upstairs to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! i'm forever grateful to you guys for hanging in there and showing interest in my writing. i can't tell you how much it means to me. your comments are my favourite part of uploading the next instalment of my fic each week, it's such great motivation ily guys so much
> 
> contact me on tumblr!!! grimegarage.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry this one took so long. i'm trying to finish the next chapter before i post this one, but i gave up. it's been too long. i miss you guys :( AS ALWAYS, i have no permanent beta and subsequently am pretty much destined to make stupid grammar/spelling/consistency mistakes. feel free to point them out to me.
> 
> ENJOY!
> 
> (P.S. a reminder:  
> texts from Lukas = BOLD  
> texts from Philip = ITALICS)

The next day is almost worse. Lukas wakes up with his heart in his throat, who knows why, and has to remind himself four times to text Rose before he actually does it over breakfast. He doesn’t actually remember what their plan is today, or if they ever had one, or if Rose cancelled days ago and Lukas is just a plain idiot. He texts her asking about their plans, because no matter what he’s probably going to have to switch them since he has to go figure out Chem stuff with Philip again.

 

When her reply comes, it’s only two minutes later, something Lukas forgot about texting Rose -- she replies so quickly. Philip and Lukas take so long between texts, he kind of forgot what it was like.

 

They have a quick conversation about what they’re going to do instead, since Lukas knows he probably has to spend at least an hour with Philip today. Eventually they agree on just watching a movie in Lukas’ room, but by the time it’s over, Lukas wouldn’t be able to tell anyone what movie they watched.

 

Rose leaves by 3p.m., and even as Lukas lets her out the front door, he realizes he doesn’t really remember a single moment of sitting there on his bed with her. He knows they watched something, and he knows she was curled up against him most of the time, and at a few points asked if he was okay -- but he can’t remember the movie, or if Rose said anything else to him. Honestly, the time passing feels like days and mere seconds at the same time, and all Lukas can think about is where the hell he and Philip are going to meet. Where are they going to put the terrarium?

 

It’s not until Rose is actually gone that Lukas remembers he probably could have asked her about the whole environment thing, and whether Philip had been telling the truth about needing a secure location. In the end, he decides it can’t have been too important, and there wouldn’t be much reason for Philip to lie anyway.

 

As much as he wants to get the rest of the day over with, Lukas can't bring himself to text Philip. He sits in his room listening to music for an hour or two after eating, but he doesn't text Philip until about 5:30. It shouldn't take long for them to settle on a place for the assignment to sit, unwatched, but he can't think of anything. He just says that Rose is gone and waits.

 

It's almost 6p.m. when Philip replies.

 

_My house won't work. Helen and Gabe’s shed is too cold._

 

Fuck, Lukas thinks. He's not particularly keen on keeping it in his house, doesn't want to give Philip any excuse to invade his home when the boy’s already invaded his school, his life and his mind. Not to mention, if Philip’s shed won't work, then the same problem will probably also apply to Lukas’ father’s shed and their barn.

 

He sighs, trying to think of something else. He doesn't even consider other people in his class, or even Rose, and if they're having the same problem he is. Couldn't they just put it in a section of Philip’s house that the kid doesn't fucking go to?

 

It's almost fifteen minutes later when the idea finally comes to Lukas.

 

It's a place Lukas doesn't go inside often enough for Philip's presence there to bug him too much, and it's not like he's going to let Philip ruin the reason he actually goes there. It's perfect. If nothing near Philip will work, then this will have to do.

 

The cabin.

 

**I think I have an idea.**

 

_Where?_

 

Lukas texts him the address and it's probably the fastest he’s ever replied to Newbie. Usually he sees the kid's name in his phone and throws it down, replies later when he realizes he kind of has to, but this is just so much easier.

 

_That's pretty far from me_

 

Philip's reply is irritating, to say the least. They have to go tonight, like Philip said, before the week starts again. Who cares if it's far? It's not far from Lukas’ house, can't Philip just get a ride from Sheriff Torrance or Gabe?

 

**So?**

 

He shoots the text back quickly, once again. He kind of wishes he could sound more shirty than text allows, but there's not much he can do about that without going into useless emojis or something. Philip replies five minutes later, and somehow Lukas reads it as almost more pissed off than he was himself.

 

_So I can't bike there, genius. I have a flat tire anyway. Helen’s on shift and Gabe’s busy so I can’t get a ride either_

 

Lukas sighs again, even more exasperated than last time. How the fuck are they supposed to get this shit done if everything is in Newbie’s way? He knows what it means, even before he admits it to himself, and even after that, he still waits almost another twenty minutes before texting Philip back. He doesn't want to resort to it, wants more than anything for something else to work, but he knows this is it.

 

**Fine.  Be ready in fifteen.**

 

If he could see any other option, he would take it. But unfortunately, Lukas knows the only way they’re going to be able to get this over with _tonight_ is to go pick Newbie up himself. That doesn’t mean he has to be nice about it, though. Lukas allows himself one last heavy sigh before he crawls out of his bed and creeps down the stairs, thankful he’s already eaten. It’s once he’s outside that the last round of daily bad news comes his way.

 

He can’t drive, and he doesn’t particularly want to ask Bo to drive him, so he has to take his bike. Which means, if he’s picking Philip up, that they’re going to have to ride on the same bike together.

 

Lukas’ bike. The one he doesn’t usually let people ride. The only other person to ride it with him is Rose, but even that doesn’t feel as monumental, as terrifying as this.

 

He forces himself to shake it off, to think of anything else. For the entire ride there he thinks of the trees, and the feeling of the wind against his jacket again. Every so often a glimpse of Philip's room slips into his head, for whatever reason he can't control, and he starts to wonder again about the contents of it. The posters on the wall had been unexpected, sure, but there was also the familiar smell, the one that calmed Lukas down while he was sitting at the desk in Philip's room trying not to have a conniption. What was the smell, what about the combination of everything there was so familiar? Why did it make him think of home?

 

He hasn't answered any of his own questions by the time he reaches Sheriff Torrance’s house, and it bugs him that he can't place any of it. He wonders, as he sits in the driveway with his engine running, waiting for Philip to realize he's there, if Philip usually smells like that and Lukas hadn't been close enough to notice until yesterday.

 

Eventually, when Lukas finally gets fed up, he honks the horn on his bike and revs the engine as a warning.

 

It’s only a few minutes before Philip steps out of his house, turning back probably to say goodbye to Helen and Gabe before running to Lukas’ bike. It’s not enough time, there isn’t enough space for Lukas to mentally prepare himself for what’s about to happen. He’s going to have to instruct Philip on how to ride the bike with him, which is bad enough without Philip even getting on the bike period. Lukas has to share this part of himself -- a part he’s never even shown to Rose -- to a boy he hates just for a school project. He’s never taken Rose, on his bike, to the cabin. She’s never even seen it for longer than a minute or two, and now he’s going to spend long moments with Philip there.

 

It feels like ripping his skin off and willingly allowing Philip to step inside, to see the inner, most vulnerable parts of his ribs. He’s not ready, he’s kind of freaking out -- and Philip hasn’t even reached the bike yet.

 

Lukas turns the bike off and removes his helmets as Philip walks closer. He wants to get out of there as fast as possible, sure, but he’s also going to need to figure out how to get Philip on the bike, and teach him how to put on his helmet and everything. For a brief moment, Lukas is worried he forgot the second helmet -- but there it is, hanging off the back of the bike.

 

“We’re going on this?” Philip asks as he walks closer to the bike, infamous book bag slung across his shoulder. His jacket hugs him tighter than usual, possibly because of the cold that has started seeping into the wind lately, breaking through any and all fabrics. Winters in Tivoli aren’t usually too long, and they never get too much snow, but the winds get cold. Snow doesn’t usually start until the end of December, and ends early into March, thank God -- so they shouldn’t get any for a while. Still, Philip looks cold, and Lukas briefly notices he kind of feels it too.

 

Lukas shrugs. There’s no underlying bitterness in Philip’s voice, it’s a genuine question -- and for some reason it pisses Lukas off anyway. There’s nothing wrong with Lukas’ bike, and it’s not like Philip can actually drive either, so who’s he to judge? “Uh, yeah,” Lukas says, and he shoves the second helmet at Philip’s chest. It’s almost payback for the day before, when Philip blocked him from leaving the room with essentially the exact same movement.

 

It’s only a slight movement, but Philip stumbles back a little. Maybe Lukas used a little too much force, and for a moment he feels almost -- guilty for doing it. Then, of course, he shakes himself out of it and remembers how he’s supposed to feel: indifferent. If his friends had been here, they would have laughed -- not felt guilty about it. Does that say more about who Lukas is or who his friends are?

 

What does it say about Philip that Lukas has never felt this conflicted over anything else?

 

Philip puts on the helmet without any instruction, but then looks at Lukas like he’s missing something, like he’s expecting more, waiting on him.

 

It’s then that Lukas realizes that Philip is waiting for invitation and instruction to get on the bike. On some level, Lukas is kind of grateful. If Philip had just assumed he was allowed to touch, or -- and he must know how riding on a motorbike with someone works -- just gotten right on, Lukas might have gone completely insane. But he didn’t, and Lukas won’t verbalize his thanks, or even show it to Philip physically if he can avoid it, but it’s there anyway.

 

“I’m going to get on, and you just… sit behind me.” It’s uncomfortable, to say the least, explaining this to Philip, and they’re not even on the bike yet. He’s trying to figure out how to possibly explain to Philip that he’s going to have to grip on to Lukas’ waist -- and how to do it without being nice. He’s going to have to explain it no matter what, but he’s not going to be -- he doesn’t want to give Philip the wrong idea. He can’t be too nice, not while explaining something like this, regardless of whatever Lukas said to Philip while comforting him outside the school a few days ago.

 

Lukas throws a leg over his bike, starting up the engine and turning around to beckon Philip to follow. He sits far away from Lukas at first, at least half a foot between them, but that won’t do. Lukas knows it, and Philip probably doesn’t -- which of course means it’s Lukas’ job to tell him if he doesn’t want the kid to fly off the handles and end up six feet under.

 

Not that Lukas would particularly _care_ if the kid died, he’s just not sure he’d be able to live with the guilt, knowing it was his fault. It has nothing to do with the _kid_ and everything to do with the situation.

 

Lukas sighs, loudly, enough for Philip to notice behind him. He wishes they could keep this space, wishes they could go forever without ever meeting, or touching, or talking to each other. But so far, this is the way Lukas’ life as gone, and it’s not like there’s much he can do to change it right now, so the least he can do is try and prevent the death of his Chem partner, who happens to be the adopted son of the town Sheriff. “You have to hold on to me.”

 

“What?” Philip says, like he’s as shocked to hear it as Lukas was pained to say it.

 

He turns his head to the side so he can stare Philip down, even through his helmet. Lukas keeps his off for now, if only so nothing he says to Philip is muffled. “Around my waist.” Philip doesn’t do anything, so Lukas grabs one of Philip’s hands and puts it where Rose’s would usually go, just at the end of his ribs.

 

It sends an electric shock through Lukas, down his legs and makes him wonder if they’re even going to be able to kickstart the bike. He’s trying not to think about it, this guy’s hand on a part of him that a guy’s hand should never go -- not as friends, not as enemies. It’s warm, though, in a way that somehow affects Lukas’ stomach even through his jacket. He tries to be angry, tries to look for the feeling of disgust, but he can’t think of anything with that pulse of electricity running through his veins, soaking up whatever’s coming out of Philip’s hand.

 

But even as Philip puts his other hand on the other side of Lukas’ ribs -- which is another separate meltdown altogether for Lukas -- he’s still about a foot and a half away from him. _Of course_ this process couldn’t be easy and painless. Why would anything with Philip be quick, or normal, or at least easy?

“Look, if you’re comfortable riding like that, it’s fine with me. But if you don’t want your ass to end up hurting like a bitch, you’re going to want to scooch closer to me. It’s not my fault if you end up falling of the sides if you ride like that.” Lukas bites almost the whole thing out at Philip, just to make sure he’s never being too nice about anything. He doesn’t want Philip to think Lukas _wants_ him close to him. He wants Philip to think that _Lukas_ will think he’s an idiot if he doesn’t listen.

 

It’s a very complicated and delicate balance Lukas is weaving here, but Philip shrugs, moving closer until his chest is pressed against the length of Lukas’ back.

 

It’s _so much worse_ than before. Catastrophically worse.

 

There’s a feeling in the pit of Lukas’ stomach that he can’t ignore, something that makes him want to throw up, almost. It’s the feeling you get when you’re at the edge of the first drop of a rollercoaster, when the bottom of your stomach feels like it's falling under you. You feel the adrenaline and it _must_ be because Lukas hates the guy so much. It has to be, there's no other explanation.

 

Philip holds onto him like you would hold onto someone who's about to fall forward on a building. Lukas doesn't want to think about it too much, so he shoves on his helmet and doesn't even bother to ask Philip if he's ready before he takes off down the road, turning sharp in the driveway to lead back down the road to his father's cabin.

 

He didn't prepare himself enough for this, he knows he didn't. He didn't brace himself enough for this ride, for how different it would feel with Philip against him instead of Rose. He never felt like this with Rose, which he supposes is good -- he only feels like this out of hatred, right? It’s a good thing he doesn’t feel that with Rose, definitely.

 

It’s hard to think about anything but Philip against him as they ride, but Lukas does his best. He never thought he’d have to share something this close to him with Philip, didn’t steel himself for this feeling of baring his throat to him. There’s no blowing of wind through his jacket as he rides -- just the warmth coming from Philip’s chest, no longer touching Lukas’ back, but damn near close to it. It keeps Lukas from getting cold, and as much as he wants to say he hates it, it’s kind of nice.

 

Eventually they arrive at the cabin, probably ten to fifteen minutes later. It’s 7p.m. by Lukas’ phone when they’re getting of the bike, and it’s then that Lukas realizes maybe Philip hasn’t eaten. Last time their dinner was pretty early, right? So he should be good, hopefully. Maybe it’s weird to wonder that sort of thing, but Lukas just doesn’t want to be responsible for this kid getting food or something. He’d rather starve himself.

 

Lukas removes his helmet after he’s cut the engine, as Philip is stepping off and removing his own. He shakes his hair, trying to make sure the helmet hair isn’t too bad, and then hangs his helmet on the handlebar of the bike. When he looks at Philip, the kid’s hair is perfect again. Lukas is pretty sure he hasn’t even done anything to it since they were riding -- it’s just naturally like that. Instinctively falls into place. Lukas wants to kill the kid, because it’s just _unfair_ . When he called Philip Prettyboy at the beginning of the year, he was making a joke about him being pretentious and caring about his looks -- he wasn’t actually calling the kid pretty. He didn’t want to be _right_.

 

It’s bugging Lukas too much again, like everything Philip does. He _always_ seems to be bugging Lukas somehow -- it’s like Lukas hasn’t felt any other way since the little asshole showed up in Red Hook with dark eyes set to push every button Lukas has. The guy makes it a fucking profession. All he can do is let out a sigh, which is also kind of half-groan -- something else Philip seems to cause in Lukas way too often -- and walk into the cabin without glancing at the kid again.

 

It’s silent for a while, as Lukas takes out all his work and sets it on the table beside the bed. He turns backward to see Philip looking around, probably taking the place in, only slowly removing his backpack to put it on the floor. “This is yours?” He says, and it’s quiet. There’s no bitterness in it, no accusation, just genuine wonder. Maybe a bit of awe.

 

“Well, my dad’s,” Lukas replies, and it seems clear that once more, he and Philip have slipped into conversational tones too relaxed for their relation to one another. He's tired, though, and doesn't want to fight with himself for the hundredth time in the span of an hour. He's spent enough time forcing himself to think aggressively, so he thinks maybe just this once he can afford to be casual, agreeable, if only for the sake of the project. That's what he uses to justify it -- the sake of the project. He needs his marks if he wants to go anywhere with motocross. “We can just set it up on the dining table right there.”

 

“Cool,” Philip says, taking the terrarium and it's case carefully out of his messenger bag. “We've still got some analysis we have to write, by the way.”

 

Lukas allows himself to fall backwards onto the bed, bouncing a little with the springs under the mattress. “Goodie,” he says, deadpan, but it's still more lenient than he would usually let himself sound when around Philip. He's admittedly calmer than he usually is, slightly less aggressively charged, but he hates that he is. He doesn't want to get used to the feeling of Philip under his skin -- he's much more comfortable to just… never speak to the kid again.

 

But obviously, yet again, that's something he can't change right now. It's better to just leave it until he's back home, and he can let himself be irritated then. “Thanks for the enthusiasm,” Philip laughs, and it's the type of easy Lukas almost wishes he didn't hate.

 

“It's what I'm here for.” As Lukas says it, he notices the smell again -- the one back from Philip’s room. It’s calming, and when they settle down to work, Lukas isn’t too antsy about it.

 

The banter between them continues for the hour they spend in the cabin, until at one point, right before they're finished, they get a little distracted.

 

Lukas is lying with his back against the bed, staring straight up at the ceiling, helping Philip answer questions, who then writes them down in words more eloquent than Lukas could possibly muster. He doesn't like Newbie, but he’ll hand it to the kid on the English front -- he's pretty good with words.

 

But it's gotten boring, and at some point they steered away from actual Chem work to curious conversation. “Hey, Philip?” Lukas asks, and God, it's weird to say the guy’s name out loud.

 

Philip just looks up from the page with a soft, “What?” It's a little shocking, at least for Lukas, that the kid doesn't immediately assume Lukas was about to be incredibly mean. It's possible, it's not like Lukas has been overly nice to Philip in the past, but maybe there was something in Lukas’ voice that gave him away.

 

“What's -- what's the city like?” It's not the question Lukas intended on asking, but it's lighter, and it's something he was curious about anyway. He's never really been truly downtown, into the heart of New York, so he's always kind of wondered. Not what he was planning on asking about, but if they're going for begrudging cooperation, this is definitely the better route.

 

Philip hums, putting his pen down. He glances at Lukas for a quick second and then away, and as he stares forward, Lukas can see something that looks like the hint of a smile on Philip’s lips. “Beautiful,” he seems to settle on the word, but keeps going as if one word isn't enough. “Maybe grungy in places, but still beautiful. It’s-- free.” Lukas nods his head in response, even though Philip isn't really looking. “What about you? How was growing up in the country?”

 

Once more, Lukas feels the overwhelming need to prove to Philip that the city isn't inherently better than the country. That he's not any better for having grown up with a city monument in his backyard. There's nothing in Philip's voice that should have given Lukas that impression, and yet he's flooded with the urge anyway. “Free,” he says, even though in a lot of ways it hasn't been. He loves Tivoli, but.. there are a lot freer places to be.

 

Philip slowly starts packing up his work, so Lukas follows suit. He supposes whatever work they’re not finished they can just do tomorrow in class or something. “Did you just say that because I said it?” Philip asks, sounding genuinely curious as he stands to face Lukas, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips again.

 

“I said it because it’s true,” Lukas insists, a little shirty. He’s lying, at least a little bit, but now Philip’s pissing him off again.

 

“Was it though?” Philip says, and Lukas stands to stare him down, and it’s like Philip _knows_ he’s pissing Lukas off. Like he’s trying to -- and while that’s how it usually seems because Philip is just so damn good at it, this time it actually, _seriously_ seems like he might be trying. “Can you really be yourself here, Lukas? Your friends seem judgemental. Didn’t your mom ever--”

 

Lukas can’t even focus on the weird feeling he gets when his name falls out of Philip’s mouth.

 

Before he knows it, Lukas has dropped his bag onto the floor and is shoving Philip into the wall behind him, hard enough to shake the frame of the small cabin just a little bit. Something on the dresser beside them shakes and falls to the floor, but Lukas doesn’t care enough to check what it was. Lukas, seething, holds his face inches from Philip’s, and the kid finally looks rattled. He _finally_ looks shaken, and it’s more than just relieving for Lukas. To finally get the reaction he’s been waiting for is almost intoxicating. Philip’s reaction is -- yeah, intoxicating.

 

They’re both breathing heavy, and Lukas keeps scanning Philip’s face for more shock, more reaction, more _anything_. He ends up getting caught on Philip’s lips, though, which are quite close to him. Not for the first time, Lukas is surprised by the reality of the boy in front of him. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, like he didn’t with Philip’s room -- but full lips that look even smoother up close was not one of them.

 

There’s an adrenaline coursing through him, one Lukas can only assume is coursing through Philip as well. It results in a type of electricity in the air, the same type that seems to be a common occurrence between them. Lukas doesn’t know what it is, but it’s running through his legs and filling up his ribs and he hates it. It has to be hate.

 

After Lukas notices he’s been staring, he snaps his eyes back up to Philip’s, which are a whole other brand of distracting that Lukas doesn’t even want to analyze. He just searches for more reaction from Philip -- if only because it felt so good the first time. It’s then that he realizes Philip has begun to smirk, just a little. To himself, mostly, not as much to taunt Lukas this time -- but his eyes still hold a challenge.

 

“Don’t talk about my mom.” Lukas spits it quietly, with venom in his tone. He says it harshly, mostly to get them back on track. To make sure Philip knows why they ended up like this, because for some reason Lukas feels like it might need reiterating. He feels like he needs to prove why he did it.

 

It hurts even as he throws it into Philip’s face. It hurts for a thousand reasons, and only about a third of them are ones Lukas can actually place. There are so many conflicting emotions attacking Lukas silently, from every part inside of him, that he can’t handle it anymore. There’s the familiar smell again, Lukas notices, now that he’s standing so close to Philip, and he can’t take it. He can’t force himself to stand there any further, can’t ask himself to hold his ground.

 

He gives Philip one more aggressive look before he walks off, grabbing his bag from the floor and heading toward the door of the cabin.

 

Philip opens his mouth, starts with “You don’t need to--” before Lukas cuts him off again.

 

“I’m sorry, is it your _goal_ to get stuck walking yourself home?” Philip doesn’t respond, but Lukas keeps going anyway, just for good measure. “I won’t stop you. Keep talking, see if I still give you a ride back.”

 

He finally exits the cabin, and there’s a few minutes of silence. Philip doesn’t say anything more, doesn’t even follow him out of the cabin. Whatever he’s doing in there, Lukas is thankful for it -- he’s not sure what got him so worked up so quickly, but he _does_ still have to take this little asshole home. Making the Sheriff’s temporary adopted kid walk home in the near winter, by himself, at 8p.m. just isn’t a real option, as much as Lukas wants desperately for it to be.

 

Something about Philip talking about his mother just -- set him off. The kid probably didn’t even know, but Lukas couldn’t help it. Newbie was insulting him right to his fucking face, trying to belittle his town, his childhood, his friends, his way of life, and then his mother. Lukas couldn’t just let it fly, he couldn’t let Philip actually think he was right.

 

Not to mention, he’s been slowly losing his grasp on the situation. He still hasn’t bullied Philip at all in front of the school, and Miles and Will are bound to get suspicious soon. Just because Lukas knows he’s not doing it because he cares at all about the kid, doesn’t mean his friends won’t assume he cares. He told them to let him have the first hit, that this kid was his, and technically, this should count. Although, when he said that, Lukas expected this to feel good -- but after that initial push to the wall, it just felt like his gut being twisted inside him. It should feel better than this, it shouldn’t feel like Lukas is the one who got punched instead. Claiming Philip as his target was supposed to be fun, the kid was supposed to be _his_ to destroy, but instead, everything Lukas has done to even come close to bullying Newbie has only made him feel guilty.

 

He stands outside, leaning on his bike and catching his breath, trying not to think about everything too much. It hasn’t been enough time, not nearly, when Philip exits the cabin as well. His cheeks are red, and he straightens his shirt unnecessarily, and Lukas quietly wonders why he would even notice Philip’s actions like that. “Do you want me to walk, or--”

 

“It’s fine. Let’s just go.”

 

The ride home is completely silent, even in Lukas’ head. He drops Philip off, doesn’t think about the ghost of his hands gripping onto Lukas’ waist, and speeds home. It’s less dark there than it was at the cabin, regardless of the time that’s passed since the sun went down, but Lukas doesn’t dwell. He runs upstairs to his room, barely throwing his father a quick “hello,” grabs his headphones, and runs back down the stairs. He can’t bear to just sit in his room right now,  he needs something more distracting -- so instead he jogs to the shed, moving into the back, around the hay, and sits there. At least the occasional gust of cold wind will keep him from thinking about anything he shouldn’t be, like a slap to the face or a sharp voice.

 

It’s well past 11p.m. when Lukas finally returns inside, and it’s only because he can’t feel his extremities anymore, and thinks maybe it’s time to start giving a shit about the state of his body.

 

Sleep evades him that night, instead leaving him to toss and turn in his bed and wonder if his mom would have had any advice for him. Moonlight shines through the panes of his window to make a pattern on the floor, and Lukas rolls over to take a look at it through the clouds from under his covers. He silently asks the sky if anything would be different, had his mom lived through the sickness. If -- had life allowed her to stay -- Lukas would be any less confused.

 

He doesn’t get an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, thanks for reading everyone. i'm going to be swamped for the next 2/3 weeks or so, but i'm going to try and punch out the next chapter before i go on a quick hiatus for a hot minute. 
> 
> thanks for your comments, and thanks for your input on the direction of this fic, too! you guys are the best. the comments literally fuel my fire. as a teaser for what comes next, i will only say this: Y'AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET
> 
> contact me on tumblr: grimegarage.tumblr.com
> 
> EDIT: i hate doing this every chapter but i cant help it. your comments are so nice i'm genuinely trying not to cry most of the time. you guys are amazing!!!! i wish i could reply to every single one without doubling the comments :( i love u guys i'm crying
> 
> EDIT 2: if you're reading this because you're checking for the next chapter, first of all: thank you for your dedication. it means everything to me, and i hope this message reaches as many people as i want it to.  
> second of all: i have a lot of mid-term assignments do and 5 dates for my show this week, so it's taken me a little longer than usual to write the next chapter, and i want to get some writing in the bank for next week as well, so thanks for your patience!!  
> third, and lastly: the chapter after this one is going to be QUITE the doozy. there's going to be some stuff i'm not sure all of you are okay with, so I thought i'd prepare you in advance. if there's anything you're afraid will trigger you and you'd like to ask me about in advance, feel free to message me on tumblr and i'd be happy to give you trigger warnings. I promise you, Lukas remains a Good Guy as much as he possibly can. 
> 
> alright thanks!!! next chapter should be out soon!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!! once again, i'm sorry for taking so long. i'm really trying to keep up with the week-to-week posting but i've gotten a little behind so far :( as always, please point out any grammar mistakes or inconsistencies to me!!!
> 
> okay as i said, this chapter's a bit of a doozie. please go to the notes at the bottom for content warnings if there's anything you're worried about reading
> 
> alright, enjoy!!

**Miles’ Bet**

 

Two days later, at school, Lukas decides it’s finally time to make a move. 

 

The silence between him and Newbie during class has gotten almost... bearable, and Lukas promised himself he would never let it get to that point or farther. He never wanted to have to get used to Prettyboy barging his way into Red Hook, much less get comfortable with him being there. Lukas wanted to go back to comparing Newbie to a hangnail, or a note in a song that’s in the wrong spot -- something that doesn’t belong and makes you cringe just thinking about it. Something you know your life would be better without.

 

That’s what Lukas really wants -- to go back to the days when Philip didn’t exist to him, not even as a concept. To days when the biggest existential question of Lukas’ life that came up on a daily basis was why his father had chosen  _ chickens _ , and not “why have you thrown this freak of a human teenage boy at me and expected me not to hate him? Why are you torturing me like this, why is he everywhere I look?” He wants to stop questioning himself and what he feels every moment of the day. Lukas wants to get it all over with, or stop it before it continues, or whichever one of those options gets him out of there the fastest. Whichever one allows him to go to sleep faster.

 

The easiest way to (at the very least -- and at this point Lukas will take what he can get) jump-start the process into those pipe-dreams, is for Lukas to finally do what he’s been telling Miles and Will he’d do for essentially a week and a half now.

 

That thought alone is scary enough. In all honesty, Lukas had forgotten how long Philip had really been there for -- at once it felt like both years and minutes. It felt as though Lukas had been dealing with this issue his whole life, and, at the same time, was dealing it for the first time that day. He never expected it to get to two weeks; but with this Monday, Kyle was officially losing his place in the bet. The only one left was Rose’s (seemingly less and less crazy) bet of two months. At this rate, all Philip had to do was get busted with drugs once before then and Rose would take the pool.

 

In any case, Lukas lies in bed, looking up at his ceiling before he starts getting ready for school. He knows today is the day, the day he finally gets to do it -- finally gets to hit Philip in front of everyone. Or steal his shit, or embarrass him somehow. This is the day Lukas gets to let out all the frustration in him that’s aimed at Philip, and he gets to do it in front of the school and in front of his friends. This is the day it all ends, right? The day Lukas finally gets to stop feeling antsy when Philip’s in the room, gets to stop thinking about him when he’s not. This day sets Lukas free. This is it.

 

So why does it make him feel like throwing up?

 

He shakes his head, ignoring the feeling. It must be the adrenaline, he thinks, and files it under a weird symptom of excitement. Because that’s what he’s supposed to feel when something like this happens: some sort of excitement. He’s going to get to see his knuckles crush, slow-motion, into the structure of Philip’s face, his pale hand connecting with Philip’s sharp jaw. For maybe the third time ever, Philip will looked shocked, stunned, and Lukas will finally get a reaction from him.

 

It’ll be that moment that Lukas will realize it’s all over, and he’s safe. His friends will cease to talk about Philip, he’ll never think about the fucking new kid again, and Newbie will avoid him as much as possible. Life will go back to normal as much as it possibly can without Newbie being literally wiped off the face of the planet, and Lukas can go back to not doubting himself. To never being unsure, always knowing what the small-town life will throw at him. 

 

None of it is helping. Thinking about any-- no, thinking about _ all _ of it is making Lukas’ brain and stomach hurt more than anything else, so instead he just gets up and drags himself downstairs to eat breakfast. 

 

It’s not long before Lukas is out the door and on his bike, feeling like he was about to puke up the breakfast he only  _ just _ managed to eat. He doesn’t know what he’s stressing so hard about, there’s not much going on that day, and if anything getting this shit over with Philip should relax him. It should make him feel better.  

 

He arrives to class late. He doesn't have any sort of plan, just to corner him somewhere where everyone can see and embarrass him -- payback for every feeling of confusion, irritation and anger that Philip has instilled in Lukas since his first day in Red Hook. If Lukas thinks about it, he would even say he's being generous. He could go a lot further, he knows both Will and Miles would, and probably Kyle as well. Yeah, no matter what happens, Lukas is being generous. Merciful. 

 

The day passes painfully slowly. Lukas can't think about any of his classes, obviously not for the first time, and spends probably too much of his time staring at Philip, daring him to do something. Practically silently begging Philip to test him, test his patience, make Lukas prove himself. He doesn't need the taunt, the provocation, but Lukas thinks it would all be so much sweeter if Philip  _ asks _ for it, like he did in the cabin. It add a whole new level to everything Lukas feels, the hatred and irritation in the pit of Lukas’ stomach that he thinks might drive him insane. 

 

Philip doesn't catch him staring. All through English the kid seems hyperfocused, barely looks up to shift his ass on the seat let alone actually look around or pay any attention to anything Lukas is doing. 

 

This is more aggravating now than it has been in the days and weeks before. The one day he wants Philip to set him off, to taunt him or, for god’s sake,  _ deserve _ it in some way -- the kid won't even do anything to make himself visible, let alone punchable. It gets to the point where, by the time second period is over, Lukas is practically begging Philip to give him something,  _ anything.  _ He's no longer convinced he can go through with it unless Philip asks for it, and at this rate it's going to be days before that happens. In all honesty, Lukas never thought he'd need to  _ convince _ himself to beat Philip up. He always thought, when the time came, that he'd jump on the chance. That he'd be excited, like he should be. Instead he feels held back by something.

 

Now, though, he's sitting at lunch, tapping his foot nervously and trying to figure out what could have possibly gotten him so riled up. It's obviously something to do with Philip, because it always is, but  _ what? _ He's finally going to get the catharsis he needs, either with public embarrassment or a swift punch to Philip’s gut, so what's the issue?

 

“Hey Lukas, you doing okay over there?” Kyle asks, breaking Lukas from his introspection. Which, honestly, is probably a good thing.

 

He shrugs. “Yeah, I’m just trying to figure out how to get out of my biology project.” He had come up with the excuse out of instinct, but it seems to be the best one he could have chosen, because Rose immediately believes him.

 

She puts her hand on his, and Lukas doesn’t pull away, as usual. “Is it really that bad?”

 

“It’s  _ awful _ ,” Lukas exaggerates, because he needs to. And in most ways, it is awful -- he’s just got to play it up to seem worse so no one questions him on anything. He doesn’t want people to think he thinks about Philip more than he does. That would be weird.

 

“What’s wrong with your biology project?” Miles asks, though he’s mostly uninterested. “Is it just hard?”

 

Rose leans into the table, as if the information she’s sharing is a secret. “The new kid is his partner,” she says, like it’s a curse. Like the kid brings chaos with him wherever he goes and Lukas is lucky to have survived this long. 

 

Not that she’s wrong, of course. She’s right. She’s saying exactly what Lukas has been thinking this whole time, so it shouldn’t feel as wrong as it does. Lukas, of course, ignores that feeling in favour of letting out a dramatic sigh.

 

“Oh dude, that  _ sucks _ ,” Will says, but he’s more excited about it than he should be. He practically yells it, and there’s laughter in his voice when he does. “He doesn’t have a black eye yet, though.”

 

Lukas forces himself to laugh in response. “Oh trust me, I’m getting close.” The table laughs, and the conversation carries on, and Lukas wills himself to ignore it. Pretend like the whole scene never happened, so that maybe he can avoid thinking about it for a while.

 

Like most things, it doesn’t work.

 

Eventually, as Lukas has been more often recently, he excuses himself from the table and goes to the bathroom. He’d consider going outside, except last time he went out to the front of the school to clear his head, Newbie showed up there, too. The bathroom is a better sanctuary, even if there is someone in there like, 24/7. 

 

And of course, that person is in there again. The exact same shoes are under the stall door, and on some level it’s a little worrying that Lukas can actually recognize them now. He knows he knows those shoes from somewhere -- but where? Like always, there’s no sound coming from the stall, meaning it’s probably some ninth grader who’s perpetually got the runs or something.

 

Lukas ignores the shoes, because he’s already committed to staying in the bathroom, and instead walks toward the last stall. He stands in there for a minute, catching his breath, stall locked behind him, and thinks of a phrase his mother used to say to him. 

 

_ Gentleness is not a gift, Lukas, but a choice. The Sun will always win over the North Wind.  _

 

Lukas doesn't remember where the story came from, but he does know that his mother used to tell it to him often as a lesson. Something about the Sun and the North Wind and trying to take off a man’s coat, and how kindness and persuasion wins over demanding aggression. He doesn't remember much from when she was alive, but her words used to often echo in his head in times like this, when he was alone and needed something to calm himself down. She came in waves, her voice always a soothing melody even when it wasn't lullabies Lukas was remembering -- today had been the first time he heard her in almost a year, though, and it was perfectly calming and unsettling at the exact same time. 

 

It's his mother’s voice that coaxed him out of the stall slowly, quietly, and he's barely paying attention until he looks to his left, near the sinks and the door of bathroom, and catches something in the mirror. Lukas thought he heard the boy leave the stall minutes before, and therefore assumed he left the bathroom altogether -- but those same shoes are now standing in front of the sinks, the boy hunched over, splashing water on his face. 

 

Still entranced by thoughts of his mother, it takes a moment before Lukas notices the posture of this particular boy, the hair falling from the top of his head in waves that send some weird feeling to Lukas’ stomach before he can even identify who the person is. His brain doesn't catch up to the realization until he allows himself to glance up and down the boys back, and finally notices the particularly telltale baseball tee hugging the boy’s shoulders. 

 

Lukas’ mood plummets. Not in the way he was expecting, but because he stands there, head poking out of the stall door, and he slowly realizes Philip is crying. 

 

It's a conflicting array of emotions, and Lukas can't even process any of them. He can't stop staring, even though it's such a private, such a vulnerable moment for Philip. It feels wrong, like Lukas should be in another room, in another building, another town or country or planet. And yet, he can't stop staring, watching Philip’s back shake just slightly, the fabric pulling between his shoulder blades. The boy runs a hand through his hair, takes a deep breath, and looks up into the mirror.

 

Lukas quickly ducks back into the stall and closes the door, praying Philip didn't see him. There's a moment or two of paralyzing silence that throws Lukas into a panic, and it feels like years before it's over, and the door to the bathroom sounds, telling Lukas that Philip has finally left. 

 

It takes a few more minutes before Lukas can regain his composure. He wonders for a moment why he didn't recognize Philip right away, aside from his jacket and messenger bag probably being in his locker -- why didn't he feel the dread right away? Eventually the bell rings, signalling the end of the lunch period, and Lukas drags himself distractedly out of the washroom, navigating back to the cafeteria to get his shit so he can go to class. 

 

Something about the washroom bugs him the whole way there. 

 

When third period rolls around, it's much of the same thing. It's all the same -- a neverending loop of pointless nerves and aimless irritation he can't really get rid of or release. All this energy and aggression with nowhere to go, so it manifests in a wandering mind and more tapping of his foot. Philip sits beside him quietly, once again, and does the whole assignment for that day by himself without prompting. It’s so… weird. Usually Philip would at least put up a fight, irritate or sigh at Lukas until he had no choice but to help.

 

It’s not like that this time. Philip keeps his mouth shut like he knows something’s coming, like he can sense Lukas waiting for something -- anything, the drop of a fucking hat. Philip is at once too quiet and too loud beside him, existing in a small space and yet in every breath Lukas breathes at the same time. The boy has always taken up too much space, ever since he showed up, while also barely being noticeable at all. With the change in behaviour, Lukas can't help wondering if maybe Philip did see him in the washroom. 

 

Lukas does his best to ignore the boy breathing beside him, steady inhales and exhales that make Lukas wonder, not for the first time, how the boy is real -- everything in Lukas’ mind tells him that Philip is a figment of his imagination, that nothing about him can possibly be real.

 

Not in a good way, of course. Just in a “this kid annoys me so much, he can’t be a real human being.” Or maybe “I don’t want to know that this guy breathes, I don’t want to know what bands he likes or why he's upset because I want him to not exist.” It’s a hard feeling to describe, but whatever it is, it’s potent.

 

For the rest of third period and fourth, Lukas can't help worrying about the consequences of seeing Philip in the bathroom, at his weakest moment, and the promise he made to himself this morning. That by the end of the day, he would fight Philip somehow. It seemed doable before, maybe difficult but doable -- yet now it just feels like something to dread. For the first time, Lukas wonders if it’s  _ right.  _ This whole time, he's been thinking about how he’s  _ supposed to feel _ toward Philip, but never what's actually  _ right _ . It's a complex and a dilemma that dawns on him all too soon, and there's not nearly enough time before the actual fated moment for Lukas to really think. It's not long before he shakes the conversation from his mind. He can always consider the morals of the situation later, right? Today, he knows what he's supposed to be. He's Lukas Waldenbeck, popular guy at Red Hook, and he despises the weird new kid. That's all there is to the story. The end. 

 

The end of school comes too early. By the end of the day Lukas can’t remember for the fucking life of him what any of his friends have said, or whether Rose has spoken to him, and if she hasn’t, how long it’s actually  _ been _ . He can’t remember the last words she said to him, how long ago it was -- he only knows what she says to him that day after school, while they’re standing around outside.

 

Rumours of a fight have been circulating around the school all day. Lukas usually ignores that sort of thing, because he honestly doesn’t particularly  _ care, _ but today is different. Today he wonders if maybe, in the words he doesn’t remember saying and the conversations he didn’t decide to take part in, whether he’s let something slip. Whether he actually  _ told people _ he was planning on teaching Newbie to know his place today. Is there another fight going on, or is it all about him? If there is another fight, is it someone else who’s also planning on picking on Philip?

 

The thought unsettles something in him, twists his gut in altogether unappealing ways. Lukas knows he wanted a crowd, he knows he wanted people to know and understand how much he truly despises the kid, but maybe it’s freaking him out that he can’t back down now. Not that he ever would, his father didn’t raise a wuss -- but the thought of not having an escape just makes everything that much worse.

 

Lukas and his group of friends are standing in a circle, surrounded by other circled-up friend groups, outside the front of the school. Everybody’s just waiting for nothing, but usually there aren’t this many people around after the bell rings. Hell, usually Lukas isn’t around much longer after school is out, but once again, today seems to be different.

 

Rose says, “Hey, isn’t that Philip?” with laughter, in a way that can only mean she wants to gossip about him. She whispers it to Lukas, complete with an elbow to his arm, and he knows she wants him to reply. This is what gets stuck in Lukas’ head, this is the conversation with Rose he remembers -- and for no particular reason at all.

 

“I guess,” Lukas replies, and doesn’t give her much more than that.

 

Will smiles from across the circle. “I heard someone was planning on showing him who’s boss today, but I can’t remember who. You feeling up to the task? We know you’ve been dying to.”

 

Maybe it’s the way he says it, or what he says, or the fact that he’s staring Lukas down when the words come out of his mouth. Something about what Will says makes the feeling in Lukas’ gut worse, so he shrugs. “Why not? Let's get this show on the road.”

 

“Atta boy!” Miles cheers, and Kyle just narrows his eyes in Lukas’ direction. For some reason, Austin isn't there, and Rose is busy staring down Philip from across the parking lot. It seems the groups of people around them have heard, or maybe sense the atmosphere or  _ something _ , because they slowly morph into crowds instead. Lukas gets trapped in the middle of what’s now essentially a large, jumbled circle, his friends lining behind him to create the edge of the circle, essentially blocking him in. 

 

It’s like a movie. Everything has begun to happen without Lukas’ consent, and while he has to speak to Miles and Will as though he’s as excited as everyone else, it’s a lot harder to play the part physically than to just say the words. He feels his body freeze, and his mind sets into a panic. He knows what he needs to do, he knows he needs to prove himself. He needs to move, he needs to take initiative, he needs to do  _ something. _

 

Instead, Lukas catches sight of Philip, all the way on the other side of the circle of people that just keeps growing. There are people pushing him into the centre, and Lukas can’t hear what they’re saying, but they’re definitely saying something to him and Lukas highly doubts it’s anything nice. 

 

The worst part is that Philip just looks… resigned.

 

Lukas always figured the boy would have more fight in him, but he turns around slowly to face Lukas on the other side of the circle, and he just looks like the other shoe finally dropped. Like he wasn’t expecting it to be this bad, but he’s also not surprised, either. More than anything, it’s kind of heartbreaking. Lukas knows, somewhere in his mind, that he should have been prepared for this, he should be enjoying it in some way -- but instead he feels small. He feels utterly useless, ashamed that a group of people have done this to someone. That even the sight of them causes the boy to resign to his fate, which ultimately cannot be good -- that he’s a part of the group that have made a boy into prey, a deer in the woods that knows its fate. 

 

He has no choice, now. Deep down, Lukas knows he’s a coward. He knows turning away will be too much of a statement, and for that reason alone he will probably do something horrible -- just because it’s expected of him. He knows he will always choose the easier option, the predictable option, even if it ends with someone else’s blood on his knuckles. 

 

Lukas hates Philip. It should be easy, holy  _ fuck, _ it should be easy. He keeps trying to recall irritating memories, but every single one of them ends up morphing into different versions of the moments in the washroom earlier that day, or when Philip was crouched outside the school. Philip looks less vulnerable than he was then, like he never lets people see him when he’s vulnerable and Lukas just got lucky -- or  _ un _ lucky, right? Everything comes back to the person Lukas has seen outside of school. Seeing the inside of Philip’s room, trying not to joke with him in the cabin.

 

Only mere seconds have passed, but it feels like eternities. Lukas feels like he could have lived and died in the moments between seeing Philip accept the circumstances, and when Will finally says, “What are you waiting for, dude?”

 

“Shut up. I’m letting him sit in it. Make him nervous.”

 

It’s a lie, and a poor excuse, and Lukas knows it. Even to himself, it sounds faulty, but all he needs is to convince his friends and the other people around him. He’s probably already convinced Philip, so now all he needs to do is be as convincing to everyone else in the circle. 

 

Except Philip has never seemed this timid when they're alone, or when they're in class, other than earlier today. The kids always had some pride, some level of fight in him, and somehow in the time since yesterday he's been drained of every last drop. It makes Lukas feel guilty, on some level, that he has his part in this. He can't claim the innocence of a bystander or the ignorance of a distracted driver that runs over the unlucky squirrel. At this point, no, he's committed. On his conscience, this will be an irrefutable blotch of red on his ledger.

 

And at this point, he can’t back down. Not when everyone is watching, not when he’s already egged himself on. This is a circle of people that he built for himself, and it’s only in this moment that Lukas realizes he’s trapped himself in.

The fight goes quickly, once it starts. It’s a flurry of moments Lukas barely remembers and cheers from the circle, things he can’t bother to focus on. He doesn’t remember hitting Philip the second, or the third time, but  _ boy _ does he remember the first. Maybe there only was one hit. Maybe, he prays, Philip took it and ran.

 

He remembers walking forward, Philip turning to meet his eye, unflinching. 

 

_ That’s _ the fight Lukas had been looking for. The resistance in Philip’s eye, the spirit Lukas knew he had -- he thought it would make it easier for Lukas to hit him, but instead it just reminded Lukas who was in front of him. It made his gut twist, and while he knew Philip could take it, it all came down to whether or not Lukas would cross the line. Whether he would actually do it, whether he would purposely touch Philip for the first time, punch or not.

 

Philip’s eyes screamed “Do it.” More than anything else, that’s what Lukas remembers. Philip daring him to commit. He doesn’t know what it means, or why Philip would decide to egg him on like everyone else, but there’s no doubt in his mind that Philip was challenging him.

 

Lukas remembers shaking his head, trying not to focus on Philip’s eyes or whatever the fuck they’re saying to him, pulling back his hand. He remembers purposely clearing his mind, and being successful until the minute the look in Philip’s eyes changed, went from challenging to accepting. Like he finally knew the person Lukas was, like he was daring Lukas to be different and had just been proven wrong -- but wasn’t surprised about it. 

 

It had thrown Lukas back, way back, to a memory of his mother. They were in the cabin, and it felt almost like a dream -- it was only a flash of a moment, a look in her eyes that Lukas didn’t even know he remembered. 

 

Then everything went black. Lukas could only hear the cheers of the people around him. 

 

When his vision returns to him, Lukas is walking backward, and he can’t place Philip. Hell, he can’t place anyone he knows well, he can’t even find Rose. Where he stood before, there is now a tight crowd of people that used to make up the outer circle. No one is watching Lukas back away (not even the stragglers who are leaving themselves or have yet to join the crowd in the centre), but guilt overwhelms him. He wants to be away, he wants to hide, to be back in his house or in the cabin with his mom, or maybe -- no, he just wants to be gone. He can’t find Rose, or Will or Miles or Kyle and Philip is nowhere to be found, and for some reason that stresses him out even more.

 

It dawns on him, as he’s backing away, that there’s no way Philip could have slipped away and escaped while Lukas wasn’t paying attention. If Lukas can’t see him, even as he’s staring at the crowd of people where he used to stand, that means there’s only one possibility.

 

Lukas thinks, for a moment, that he sees someone’s leg pull back.

 

He turns around immediately, squeezing his eyes shut and doing his best not to vomit. He bumps into Rose while backing up -- and of course that’s where she is -- and she looks so concerned that Lukas wants to disappear. She puts a hand on his arm, carefully says, “Lukas, are you okay?” as if she’s expecting him to stop but he pushes past even when he knows he shouldn’t, and she calls “Lukas!” after him as though that will change his actions at all. 

 

Instead, Lukas hops on his bike, shoving on his helmet, and drives without paying attention. He has no clue where he’s going even as he steers -- he could be in Pennsylvania for all he knows or cares, and when he finally stops he has no idea where he is. There’s tunnel beside him, train tracks that run overhead and a four digit number painted onto the walls. He gets off his bike for a moment, breathing heavily, and it must be at least twenty minutes since he raced off school property.

 

He stays there for what feels like hours and mere seconds at the same time. There are a thousand thoughts running through his head that he doesn’t want to dwell on, doesn’t want to name, and he crouches into the bushes beside the tunnel to puke.

 

Nothing comes up, and for some reason, that feels even worse. He walks forward, into the tunnel, hears the echo of his own footsteps against the concrete, and then before he knows it, he’s screaming. He yells until he’s out of breath, until his chest is convulsing and he can’t breathe, and then it turns almost into a silent, dry sob.

 

He shouldn’t be this upset. Lukas hasn’t cried in years, not since his mother died, but he feels close now and he can’t even begin to understand why. There are a thousand emotions clanging together in his head, a dissonance, each one of them fighting for dominance and it’s infuriating. It’s chaotic and he wants it to  _ stop _ . He can hear his father’s voice in his head, yelling at him to be a man, to take what life throws at him and be strong, that sometimes fights are necessary and he shouldn’t ever back down. Lukas leans against the wall of the tunnel, slowly sliding down until he’s sitting on the floor of the tunnel, knowing (but not caring if) his pants will get dirty.

 

It’s a while before his mother’s voice takes over. Lukas closes his eyes and he’s back in the cabin with her, one of those times his father would be out hunting and Lukas was too little to join him. His mother used to fight for him, for his childhood innocence, he remembers, and Bo could never say no to his wife.

 

“You’re strong, love, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to show weakness sometimes.”

 

Lukas’ chest heaves in the tunnel, and he remembers the feeling of his mom brushing his hair behind his ear. This isn’t a memory he even knew he had -- he thought he had blocked out everything from when his mom was alive, but now things just keep coming back to him. It’s hard to hold back so much emotion while he’s reliving moments he didn’t know he could even remember.

 

They had just come back from a diner somewhere, eating at sunset so Bo could hunt during the peak. Just before that night, maybe the week before, Lukas had seen one of his father’s kills, right after death, for the first time. It was a buck, an “amazing catch,” his father had called it, and it was bleeding from the hip, its neck turned in the most awful way.

 

Lukas was eight.

 

That night, Lukas had remembered the buck from the week before, and was crying to his mother about what animal his dad was going to kill next. His mother had distracted him by counting out their sugar packets from the diner, but when a gunshot sounded and Lukas flinched, he asked her why Bo didn’t cry when he killed, she had smiled sadly.

 

“Your father is a strong man. But sometimes,” she said, looking at her hands, and then at the door to the cabin. “Sometimes, he thinks he’s too strong for his own good. His dad used to tell him that he wasn’t allowed to be upset. He has a very kind heart, Lukas, but he was taught to hide it. He doesn’t know how to show it, sometimes.”

 

Lukas had then been too young to completely understand. It took until his mother died, until Bo had started yelling at him and Lukas realized his mom wasn’t there to ground him anymore. That’s when he finally understood  _ why _ his father yelled.

 

It wasn’t until this moment, however, that Lukas understood why his father always looked so guilty after raising his voice.

 

Lukas snaps back to reality, wipes the tears from his face angrily, like he knows they shouldn’t be there, and forces himself to stand up. He wants to go to the cabin -- he wants to sit where he used to sit with his mom, and cry for hours and not go home. But it’s not an option, and he knows it, so eventually he just gets back on his bike and drives home.

 

He hates Philip. This time, he’s not trying to convince himself of something that isn’t true. This time, Lukas really hates Philip. If the kid had never shown up at Lukas’ stupid fucking school, none of this would have happened. Lukas is _over_ _his mom_ , okay, at least as much as he can be, and the fact that this kid has barged his way into his town, his life, his school and now somehow unearthed memories? It’s fucking infuriating. This time, Lukas is fucking vibrating with it. It’s not uneasiness anymore, it’s fury. All of this confusion, all of the conflicting emotions and stress -- it’s all Newbie’s fault, for whatever reason, and Lukas is done.

 

He hit the kid, hopefully he’s not dead or anything; they get to move on now. Go back to hatred in silence. Now that Lukas has finally had the balls to do it, Newbie can hate him as much he hates Newbie, and being friends with the kid won’t ever be an issue, and everything can go back to normal.

 

Except there’s still an itching part of him that’s tired. Lukas is furious, sure, but he’s also tired; it would be nice if the emotional turmoil decided to maybe  _ take a fucking chill pill _ or something, Jesus.

 

It’s only 6p.m. when he arrives home, but Lukas crawls into bed anyway. He almost considers telling his father about what happened that day, about the fight and the guilt, but he knows his father won’t understand like his mother would. His father won’t hug him, or pat his hair, or tell him he’s not a bad person because he feels awful about it, and that means remorse.

 

Instead, Lukas stares at his phone, and decides to send a single text before he falls asleep.

  
**I’m sorry.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (content warnings are for hints of violence and some descriptions of violence. the entire chapter is pretty heavy, at least compared to what i've been writing previously, but i promise it's going to get better. lukas is just very confused and afraid and doesn't know what to do. if anything about this chapter makes you uncomfortable, you can skip this chapter and pretty much read the rest of the story just fine)
> 
> alright that's it for now folks!!! thank you so much for reading and keeping up with me, you guys are incredible. i've got a bit of the next chapter in the works, but comments ALWAYS motivate me to write better and faster. if you have suggestions or criticisms i'm always happy to hear them!! 
> 
> as always, feel free to contact me on tumblr as well: grimegarage.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!!! sorry this one's late again, i really wanted to get it right. i also wanted to warn you guys that there's a lot of talk about what happened in the last chapter, but i promise you this one's worth it!!! as always, i have no beta, so feel free to point out story inconsistencies or mistakes to me!!!
> 
> enjoy!

Lukas sits at his desk, tapping his foot. He doesn’t remember English class, and he doesn’t remember second period Math either. Lunch had been filled with conversations he didn’t care about and had consequently tuned out of, and reliving a moment he didn’t want to relive, and people everywhere talking about something Lukas didn’t even want to acknowledge existed. He wishes third period would pass by the same way, him not remembering what happened at all and simply snapping back to reality after it’s over, but Philip is breathing next to him and it feels like there’s a gaping hole in the floor between their seats.

 

It’s only been a few days since the fight, and Lukas still feels like vomiting when he thinks about it. It’s not who he is, he doesn’t know why he did it -- he likes to think he’d never hit someone who was innocent, no matter how much they pissed him off, but in the end he knows it’s not true. He knows he’s a sucker for approval, and he knows he only did it because he’s afraid of being different, being strong, being unashamedly himself.

 

Philip never replied to his text. 

 

Since sending it, Lukas has at once regretted it and been thankful. The fact that Philip never replied had only amplified his anxieties about the text, but now it’s just unbearable. With the boy sitting right next to him, there are so many conflicting emotions in Lukas’ head that are amplified because of Philip. Does he hate the kid for stirring up so much stupid conflicting emotion in him, or does he feel sorry for him because he hasn’t been able to catch a break? Does Lukas want to deck the kid again just because he’s so fucking  _ confusing _ , or does he feel ridiculously guilty for even hurting Newbie the first time?

 

It’s just his luck, to be plagued with confusing and restless thoughts  _ once again _ , as if since Philip showed up, Lukas just hasn’t been able to relax in any sense of the word. It feels like he’s having the same thoughts over and over again, and yet he can’t make them stop.  “We need to meet again for the project this week,” Lukas whispers, out of nowhere.

 

It’s not untrue, of course, but half the reason he says it is because he’s praying it’ll make Philip’s presence less obnoxious, or maybe give Lukas a brief period of time where he’s not just focusing on the kid sitting next to him, or breathing -- like maybe the boy focusing on  replying will cease to exist until the words finally come.  Instead, it only makes Lukas more aware of the existence of the kid next to him, which is both infinitely infuriating and also overwhelming. 

 

Philip doesn’t reply immediately, which somehow makes it even worse. He just takes this huge breath and keeps working, and Lukas turns back to his own work in return. “Fine,” Philip finally sighs, and where Lukas thought it might feel better when he replied, instead it just feels like more of the same.

 

They don’t speak again for ten minutes. By that point, they’re at different points of that day’s experiment, Philip probably far ahead of him, and doing better than him as well. In fact, they’re three quarters of the way through the class when Philip sets down all of his equipment, clearly finished his work, and turns to look at Lukas properly again.

 

This is where it really hurts.

 

Lukas has been happy enough forgetting about that day outside the school, not thinking about what could have possibly happened after he left, or what he did, or how it was his fault and  _ he  _ started it. It hasn’t been working as well as he wanted it to, but hey, he’s still living his life, so it can’t possibly be too bad. 

 

Until that moment, of course, where Philip turns to look at him. It’s then that Lukas notices the red mark around the boy’s eyebrow, the bruise forming on his chin, clear evidence of a split and bruising lip, and everything else falls away. Someone else is speaking to him, or maybe just speaking in general, but Lukas can’t hear a word they’re saying. Their teacher has started speaking, probably saying something important that Lukas either can’t or doesn’t want to hear.

 

All that exists in that moment are the consequences of Lukas’ actions, displayed clearly on the face of the boy in front of him. Nothing else matters. Philip’s mouth starts moving, but it’s slow-motion, and Lukas doesn’t even hear him. He’s still zoning out, staring at the bruises on Philip’s face and doing his best not to throw up.

 

“I’ll be right back,” Lukas says, refusing to wait for or listen to Philip’s reply and walking directly past Mrs. Hughes without checking with her, either. He doesn’t know if she says anything, if she yells at him or asks him anything or tells him not to come back. He just walks right out and attempts not to think about what he’s doing, what’s bugging him so much, or what he’s leaving behind. He walks to the bathroom, like usual, and for once in his life, the stupid pair of Vans aren’t there. Lukas wanders into a stall, not choosing one in particular, and it’s not until he sits on the toilet with his head in hands that he realizes there’s probably a reason for the missing pair of Vans. He can’t believe he honestly didn’t make the connection before, because it seems so obvious now. Actually, maybe somewhere in his mind, he made the connection but refused to acknowledge what it means.

 

They’re Philip’s. They’ve always been Philip’s shoes, and the entire time Lukas has been catching _ him _ in the washroom. Every lunch period, the poor kid has been in here… what, hiding? How…  pathetic. Philip hiding in the bathroom from everyone for weeks, almost three now. It feels like years since Philip first showed up, but in reality it’s only been two and a half weeks or so, right? Has it really gone by so slowly? Would Philip have been hiding in the bathroom if Lukas hadn’t been so hostile toward him from the beginning?

 

Lukas shakes his head. He doesn’t care, he shouldn’t care. He splashes water on his face from the sink, cold streams of water running down the side of his cheek, and focuses on that instead. He needs to get ahold of himself -- he hasn’t been himself since Philip showed up, and it’s really starting to get on his nerves. Usually, Lukas wouldn’t flinch during a fight, whether he was participating or not, and his friends, he knows, usually feel some weird sense of… pride when they see the effects on the losing party days later.

 

So why doesn’t Lukas feel that way? Why does he feel disgusting instead? It feels like everything Lukas has done up to this point in his life is not only wrong, not only something to be guilty over, but also just simply  _ not him _ . It feels like someone else has been living Lukas’ life up until this point and now he’s being asked to continue on as normal, as though nothing has changed even though everything is wrong.

 

He apologized once, and Philip decided not to respond. He’s done what he could. They’re going to meet up again for their assignment, get through it probably while talking as little as possible, and then Lukas can go back to focusing on his life and his friends. The shit that really matters, not whether or not he’s really “himself” or whatever. He’ll forget about Philip completely soon, and that will be that, and he’ll no longer feel like throwing up when he sees a tiny bruise on the kid’s face that he may (or may not) have caused.

 

Still, the thought irritates him. If Philip was in the centre of that crowd, why couldn’t Lukas see him while he walked away? Where was he, what were they doing? They couldn’t have been consoling him, that’s for sure -- no one would take Philip’s side over his own, and besides, everyone’s been congratulating his group of friends since.

 

The only one who hasn’t commented in any way is Rose, but she never really liked fights to begin with. She’s been eyeing Lukas suspiciously in the days that followed the fight, he’s noticed, but he doesn’t know what it means. She’s never really done that before -- looked at him like she knows something he doesn’t, even when (in academic terms) she sometimes does. 

 

It’s a while before Lukas returns to class, and even then he has to continue to calm himself down inside his head every time Philip glances at him for a split second and his bruised lip comes into view. What did they  _ do  _ to him, and why can’t Lukas stop worrying about it?

 

He should just pick fucking side. Does he care, or does he not? Lukas wants to shake himself into realizing which side he’s really on, but somewhere deep inside he knows that even if he did pick a side, it would always be the wrong one. In some way or another, whether he chose caring about Philip or not caring, the other side would feel like the right one. Not to mention that he knows he’s a coward. There’s only so much he can do to tell himself differently.

 

It’s then that his mom’s voice drifts into his head again. 

 

_ Gentleness is not a gift, Lukas, but a choice. _

 

He doesn’t remember when she said that to him, but her voice is clear as day in his head, just like it was a few days before. It’s clear what she means, why she said it to him -- but why does Lukas keep thinking of it now?

 

“Tonight. Are you free at 6?” Philip asks, as Lukas sits back down beside him. It’s not friendly at all, it’s kind of spit at him, and Philip isn’t even looking in his direction.

 

Lukas sighs, forces himself not to look at Philip either. “Yeah, fine, whatever. I’ll pick you up then.”

 

“Don’t bother,” Philip spits again. It’s harsh, harsher even than Lukas expected, even if he probably shouldn’t be surprised. “Gabe will drive me. Just meet me there, we’ll get our shit done, and then you can be done with me for the week.”

 

“Fine,” Lukas says, but for some reason he has to choke it out, and for the rest of his time at school that day, he feels pained and confused. Although, it’s not as if that’s a new feeling for him in regards to Philip.

 

The rest of the school day passes by slowly, without event, but Lukas can’t say he remembers any of it. Rose asks him to hang out with her, but he explains that he can’t, and that’s that. She narrows his eyes at him, but she nods and understands. 

 

*

 

Lukas arrives at the cabin at 5:30p.m. He didn’t eat much before leaving, not really in the mood for food or talking to his father, and wanted to get in some riding and jumping time before Gabe dropped Philip off at the cabin. By the time 5:40 rolls around, Lukas is on the bed, twiddling his thumbs, trying not to throw up. It’s got to be nerves, why he’s feeling this way even though Philip hasn’t arrived yet, but what could he possibly be nervous about? He’s got the upper hand on the kid, he always had. This was never a level playing field, so why would Lukas be nervous?

 

The sound of a car rolling up shakes Lukas from his thoughts at 6:04p.m., and he does his best to shake it all off. He repositions himself just slightly on the bed, willing himself to look more comfortable, more unbothered. Philip can let himself in, it’s not like it’s his first time being there.

 

Eventually, the sound of an engine running returns and fades as the car runs into the distance. Moments pass before there’s a knock at the door, accompanied by a voice calling, “Lukas?”

 

“Just come in, it’s unlocked.” His reply is unbothered, cold and detached, without a hint of feeling in it. Honestly, he’s just trying to throw Philip’s own medicine back at him.

 

The door opens slowly, Philip letting himself in and taking another look around. He looks less impressed than the first time he entered the cabin, and it pisses Lukas off. He’d never tell Philip himself, but it’s a special place to him, and to see someone look less than enamoured with it is essentially the entire reason why he’s never brought anyone (including Rose) to see it. The cabin deserves awe, or, at the very least, a peaceful atmosphere.

 

Usually both of those happen to be things Lukas doesn’t enjoy the thought of sharing with someone else, and instead prefers to enjoy them alone -- but that’s not really why they’re here, is it? They’re here because some deity upstairs thought it would be funny to stick Lukas with the kid who would inevitably fuck his life up the most. Of course, his life: a running April Fool’s joke among the Gods or whatever. He grew up Christian, because that’s how small towns run, but could anyone really blame him if the church (and subsequently, talk of Jesus Christ Our Lord And Saviour Amen) only made him think of his neighbours attempting not to smell like soil and pig shit in the early hours of Sunday morning? Church brings up no prevalent, enjoyable memories, and so Lukas thinks maybe his own mother is his God, and the only religion he follows is the words he remembers from before she died. 

 

Lukas is ripped from his thoughts by a look from Philip that’s so sharp it practically makes noise. “Do you want to get started, or would you rather sit there and try not to cry the whole time?”

 

“Shut up,” Lukas bites, but Philip laughs.

 

“Yeah, sure, it’s not like you would do anything.” 

 

“Back the  _ fuck _ off,” Lukas snipes back, but he doesn’t look at Philip long enough to watch his reaction, only looks up to spit it in Philip’s direction and then look back to his hands, clasped together in between his knees.

 

It’s incredibly unexpected when Philip barks a sharp laugh in return. “Or what, are you going to try and hit me again?” 

 

Lukas’ head snaps up.

 

It’s not what he was expecting, that’s for sure. Philip’s arms are crossed across his chest, but he doesn’t look weak at all. He looks… like he genuinely finds it funny, in the most sarcastic way, maybe. He’s still got remaining signs all over his face of the first time Lukas hit him, so why is he not only bringing it up again, but  _ laughing _ about it, inviting Lukas to do it again? And how could he  _ possibly _ look like he has the upper hand here? Why does he look like he’s the one who bullied Lukas, and is now laughing about doing it again?

 

“Shut  _ up, _ ” Lukas bites, his teeth clenching together. “I apologized. Clearly, I shouldn’t have bothered.” He gets up, and just like last time, they’re now fighting in this space that once used to be so peaceful to Lukas. He’s maybe two feet from Philip, and edging closer, but Philip doesn’t back down. The fight in him is too strong, the exact same defiance that was missing that day at the school. The day Lukas crossed a line.

 

Instead of backing away, Philip steps closer. “You think two words in a text make up for what happened?” Philip asks, and Lukas opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. “You think that I’m required to forgive you because you had the common decency to apologize to me?” Lukas doesn’t take a step back, doesn’t dare, but there’s so much tension in the room and Philip just  _ will not stop _ walking closer. Philip barks out a laugh again, exasperated. “You think,” he says, “that you can fix everything with one text you sent hours later because you finally realized you felt a little guilty?” They’re less than a foot apart now, both of them fuming, unwilling to back down, and once again Lukas finds himself unwilling to reply. “Do it. Actually hit me this time.” He can’t tear his eyes away from Philip’s lips, which are so close to him now, even though Philip’s stare is steady. “You’re a coward.”

 

“I’m not,” Lukas says, pushing Philip back by his shoulders, “a coward.”

 

Philip’s eyebrows raise, a clear challenge, but he doesn’t even look shaken by Lukas’ pushes to his chest.  They’re inches apart, the familiar smell wafting off of Philip again, and Lukas can’t stop himself from glancing at Philip’s lips for what feels like the millionth time. After a moment, Lukas thinks maybe he sees a smirk, or-- no, it can’t be. “Fine. Prove it.” Philip says, and his eyes don’t move from Lukas’. His gaze is unwavering. “Prove you’re not the stuck-up, spoiled, rich, pretentious coward I think you--”

  
  
  


The next he knows, Lukas has his hands balled up in Philip’s jacket and is pushing him against the wall of the cabin. It’s like the last time they were there, even down to Philip dropping his bag on the floor and looking up at him with these eyes that are… open, and wide, like Lukas could see the forest floor in the fall through them, like someone had once gotten lost in them and now they were inviting Lukas in to join. The wooden panels of the building shake, just slightly, and then they’re stuck there staring at each other and Lukas can’t help wondering if Philip tastes like the familiar smell he keeps noticing.

 

Lukas doesn’t remember what he’s supposed to be proving by the time his lips meet Philip’s own.

 

The time between pushing Philip against the wall and kissing him had felt like decades, but actually kissing him feels like nanoseconds. It’s forceful, he knows that, but also quick, just a press of closed lips together hard enough to make Philip’s head back up just a little. 

 

And when they separate, Lukas doesn’t even have time to think about every mistake he just made before Philip has his hands on Lukas’ jaw, tugging him back in. Lukas can’t force himself to pull away fast enough, so then they’re kissing again, and it’s a little slower but their lips are still closed and there isn’t a lot of movement. Just lips pressed together, Lukas’ hands balled in Philip’s shirt, Philip’s back pressed against the cabin wall.

 

Kissing Philip, Lukas is finally able to place what Philip smells like. That familiar scent, the one Lukas has been trying to figure out every time they’re together… it smells like the woods, like polished leather and lavender candles that Lukas’ mom used to burn, a hint of bonfire and cigarettes. For a moment, Lukas allows himself to bask in it. He parts from Philip’s lips, rests his forehead against Philip’s, and closes his eyes. Philip doesn’t protest, doesn’t even ask Lukas what the hell he’s doing… he just stands there, breathes with Lukas quietly (which Lukas is thankful for), with their heads pressed together. 

 

Lukas just kissed Philip.

 

Lukas, a perfectly straight guy, just kissed the guy he hates and beat up in front of the whole school just days prior. He kissed this boy, whom he  _ hates _ , in the family cabin he holds very dear to him, in the middle of an argument.

 

How do you go back from that? How do you say “Never mind, that was just some weird burst of energy, I still hate your guts and by the way, can you please maybe leave the country and never come back?” The only way to fix this is to hit Philip again, pretend he started it all, tell everyone how fucking weird the new gay kid is--

 

But Philip’s hand is balled in his shirt, and their heads are still pressed together, and Lukas opens his eyes to see Philip staring at him patiently. Philip takes a deep breath with Lukas and convinces him to come closer with the hand in the fabric of Lukas’ shirt, gently pulling him in, and there’s no way he can say no to Philip twice.

 

Eventually he’s closing his eyes, moving closer and pressing Philip into the wall again, his hips coming to meet Philip’s. 

 

And this is where they cross another line. This is where Lukas has time to pull away, to yell at Philip to leave, or at the very least just ask if they can finish their work -- but instead Lukas just says, “If you tell anyone, you’re dead,” and licks his lips. With full knowledge of his actions, Lukas starts moving forward to kiss Philip again, and in the process, catches Philip’s reaction: a pause, looking taken aback, followed by a slight shake of his head and eventually an eyeroll.

 

Philip doesn’t take casual as an answer now. When he kisses Lukas for the second time, it’s with a mouth that persuades Lukas’ lips to open, until Philip’s tongue is hot in his mouth. The feeling is… electric. It’s every ounce of energy Lukas hasn’t been able to get rid of since Philip showed up, all collecting and coming to a head in that moment, and it’s all Lukas can do to try not to explode. He breathes in through his nose and kisses Philip into the wall, and briefly, an unsettling thought crosses his mind. 

 

Rose never kissed him like this. 

 

Kissing Rose never feels like this.

 

There is genuine fire running through Lukas’ legs, and there’s this condensed pressure in Lukas’ chest that feels like it could burst at any moment and he’s never felt any of this before. He can’t tell if it’s good or bad or if he’s just acting on any strong emotion in any way he knows how but… it feels good. It doesn’t feel like a mistake, there’s no wrenching in his gut like there was every time he thought about -- what happened that day after school.

 

Philip gasps when their mouths part, and they’re breathing hot and together in a way that feels so intimate. It feels like the cabin is miles away from any civilization at all, like they’re in a totally different country, like they’re taking apart all of their surroundings one breath at a time.

 

Is this really what hatred feels like? What has Lukas been telling himself this whole time, is it real?

 

“Not exactly what I was expecting,” Philip breathes, looking at him without shame, “But I’m not complaining.”

 

Lukas doesn’t know what to say, can’t think of any words that exist in the English language at all, but there’s a small laugh coming out of his mouth that he can’t stop. “Me neither,” Lukas finally whispers, even though he doesn’t remember deciding to, but it’s not a lie. He doesn’t want to think, he doesn’t want to consider consequences of this moment or his actions, he doesn’t want to think about what this means or what it will change, he just wants to chase the feeling. He wants to feel it again, the racing of his heart (still banging in his chest), the heat of Philip’s tongue on his.

 

So he does. He kisses Philip once more, lips sliding together with so much less awkwardness than the first time. Lukas places his hands on the boy’s waist, pulling him in, and it’s suddenly very hot in a cabin that should probably be at least a little chilly this time of year. There’s a small wince from Philip, which causes him to open his eyes and move away from Lukas’ hands. It’s only a few moments before Philip puts a hand flat on Lukas’ chest and pushes him away completely, ending their kiss.

 

Though he doesn’t know why, and doesn’t really want to dwell on it, Lukas’ stomach sinks. Philip says, “Wait, wait,” as they separate again, and waits too long before saying the second part of his sentence, giving Lukas way too much time to start freaking out. Would Philip say anything? Would Philip go around telling the whole school they made out? What would that do to Lukas’ reputation, would anyone believe the kid? Would it get back to his dad? “You can’t-- This doesn't fix anything.”

 

Lukas shakes his head, backing up a little. He doesn’t want to think right now, doesn't want to try and figure out what the hell Philip means. “What?”

 

“You can't just-- This isn't an apology.”

 

He sighs, leaning back in. He's not running on full brainpower right now, so instead Lukas just allows his body to move solely on instinct. “Philip, just-- just shut up for a sec.” 

 

Philip hums, looking at him with those fucking eyes like he knows exactly what's going on in Lukas’ head. He can't, though, how could he? But he just keeps staring, and Lukas freezes in place. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” He asks, but Philip just laughs under his breath. 

 

“Nothing,” he says, shaking his head before meeting Lukas’ gaze again. “It’s just -- you've never called me by my name to my face before.”

 

Lukas fights the urge to smile, instead choosing to huff a laugh and whisper “Shut up,” again, and then kissing Philip slowly, intentionally, back into the cabin walls. 

 

This slow kiss is just as good as the rest of them, but in a different way. The others were hot, static and urgent. This time -- this time, Lukas takes his time. His hands move from Philip’s shirt to his neck, one right up near where his jaw meets the skin by his ear, and kisses him quietly. 

 

Before long, they're separating again, both of them breathing the same air between them, taking heavy breaths together. “It’s a good thing you couldn't go through with it,” Philip laughs a little, his eyes closed with his head leaned back against the wall while Lukas dives in to press kisses to his neck. “Otherwise I’d be furious right now and we’d probably have matching bruises.”

 

Lukas nods into the skin of Philip’s shoulder, humming while his mouth works on Philip’s skin, until everything the boy just said hits him. Until what he said finally sinks in. 

 

“Hold on,” Lukas says, backing up to look Philip in the eyes. “Wait a minute -- what?”

 

“What?” Philip asks in return, as though he could possibly be anywhere near as confused as Lukas is right now. 

 

Lukas shakes his head. “W-What do you mean?”

 

“We’d have matching bruises? I mean--”

 

“No,” Lukas says, pulling a hand away from Philip's body to run it through his own hair. “Well, that part too, but -- what do you mean I ‘didn't go through with it’?”

 

Philip’s eyebrows very slowly knit together, but his gaze doesn’t pull from Lukas’. He seems to be trying to work something out in his head, staring at Lukas like somehow he’ll find the answers plastered on Lukas’ face. “You -- you don’t remember, do you?”

 

Lukas mimics Philip’s look, but he feels his eyebrows pull downward in a more defensive expression. He remembers that day, he remembers what happened. Hell, it’s bugged him for ages afterward, of course he fucking remembers. What doesn’t make sense is why Philip seems to be under the impression Lukas was barely there, or pussied out and went to go cry in the boy’s bathroom. He remembers getting pushed into the circle, he remembers every moment of Philip’s face, he remembers his friends closing in behind him. He remembers pulling back his hand, looking in Philip’s eyes right before he hit him.

 

Sure, he started backing away after that, but that doesn’t mean he “didn’t go through with it,” so what could Philip possibly be talking about? “No, I remember,” Lukas protests, shaking his head. “I remember everything, I remember the circle of people and walking away and your face right before I hit you.”

 

Philip laughs, not for the first time that day, at a moment Lukas would never expect him to, once again in reference to Lukas trying to beat him up. Why is he so unaffected by it that he can find the strength to laugh, and especially with the air of confidence that suggests  _ he _ has the upper hand? Nothing makes any sense. “Okay,” Philip breathes, looking him in the eyes. “Do you remember what I looked like right  _ after _ you hit me?”

 

Lukas stays silent. He’d never thought of that before, never even wondered if he were missing that bit. He stands there, looking at the cabinet to the left of Philip’s head, eyebrows pressed together, and tries his best to remember. What happened after he hit Philip? What did he look like, did he even show his face? 

 

It’s difficult. He remembers the look right beforehand, but was he even looking at Philip after he hit the kid? Maybe he was looking around the circle, or at his hands, or laughing with his friends or something.

 

“I’m going to guess that’s a no,” Philip says, like he’s breaking bad news. It doesn’t make any sense. Why the hell does Philip seem to think he knows better than Lukas? Why does he sound like he’s got something hidden up his sleeve? He’s not wrong, though, so Lukas says nothing. Instead, he runs a hand through his hair while Philip asks, “What about hitting me?”

 

“What?” Lukas says, glancing at Philip again and dropping the hand from his hair.

 

Philip’s gaze doesn’t waver a bit. “Do you remember what I looked like when you hit me? Do you remember punching me?”

 

This one’s an easier answer. “Yeah,” he says, because he does, he does remember that. “Yeah, I pulled my arm back and--” Lukas manages to say before he trails off. He pulled his arm back, and then he saw his mother for a moment, and then-- wait. Lukas remembered a glimpse of his mother and then… and then walking away from the crowd of people. That’s it, he doesn’t know what happened in between. Hell, he can’t even remember what people were around him during that time, whether the circle was already closing in -- he just knows he heard cheering (probably from his friend group), and that’s it. The next thing he can remember, he’s walking away from a crowd of people, Philip probably in the middle of them, and someone’s leg slowly pulls back.

 

It’s been awhile since he replied. It’s not Lukas’ fault, of course, he was just thinking, but Philip interrupts him anyway. “And?”

 

Lukas doesn’t even know why he’s so set on remembering something. For the past few days he’s been completely set on not remembering anything from that day, pushing it down and forgetting it happened. He was ashamed of having hit someone, let alone Philip (who he’s now just kissed pretty aggressively), and was trying to move past it completely -- so why is he so set on remembering now? Just to prove Philip wrong, just to get that smug look off his face? Or maybe to try and prove to himself that he  _ is _ in control, that he regrets what happened but at least he was in control of himself.

 

There’s no way to tell, but eventually Lukas sighs. “I--I don’t remember. I pulled my arm back and then I remembered something about my mom and then… and then it just cuts to me walking away. I don’t know what happened.”

 

Philip seems to notice he’s a little distressed about it, because he balls his hands in Lukas’ shirt again and looks up to try and catch Lukas’ gaze. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Philip says, but he’s looking at Lukas like he just figured this all out ten minutes or four months or thirty years ago. “I just wanted to see if you remembered.”

 

“W-what happened?”

 

Philip loses his smile then, but only slightly. There wasn’t much there to begin with anyway, but somehow Lukas had noticed it, especially when it faltered. “You kind of… went blank,” Philip says, and Lukas doesn’t know how to reply. Went blank how? What possibly could have happened? “You were about to hit me, and people were cheering you on, and then you just kind of broke. You dropped your hand and mumbled something, I think.”

 

“What? What did I say?”

 

The boy in front of him just shrugs. “I don’t know. You didn’t hit me, though, and then you backed up and told your friends not to follow you, and that’s the last I saw.”

 

Lukas freezes. They’re farther away from each other, have since moved to the centre of the room to continue their conversation, each of them taking their own space to think. When Lukas looks up, Philip has his eyebrows pulled together again, considering Lukas as he struggles through what Philip has just told him.

 

He didn’t hit Philip? At all? What the hell did he say, and why did he back down? Sure, he never wanted to hit Philip, but he doesn’t remember deciding not to. He’d never be strong enough to make a decision as big as that, in front of that many people, to show that kind of weakness, so publicly. Lukas is, in reality, not as strong as he’d like to be, and it was never his intention to display to everyone that he wasn’t going to hit Philip -- that he isn’t strong enough to hit Philip, or he has some sort of weakness for the kid. So why didn’t he go through with it? On some level, Lukas is willing to admit to himself that a small part of him is kind of thankful that something took over, forced him to stop and walk away.

 

Actually, fuck it. A small part of himself? No, most of him. He’s  _ relieved _ some crazy part of his brain took over and allowed him to make a decision that Lukas never would have been able to make by himself. Wait -- is that true? Does Lukas have a soft spot for him? “I didn’t-- I didn’t hit you?”

 

“No,” Philip says, and he seems to be trying to convince Lukas as much as he possibly can, but he doesn’t look as relieved as Lukas feels. 

 

Lukas processes that before moving on to the next thing that’s bugging him. “What about your-- the bruises?”

 

“I told you, this doesn’t make up for what happened, and neither did your text.”

 

It’s frustrating, how this is the one question Philip dances around. If Lukas didn’t hit him, then where did all the bruises come from? And why is Philip still so pissed at him, yet kissing him in the cabin? It’s very confusing, and Lukas is already trying to deal with an explosive moment in which everything he knows about himself collapses in the span of a few days, and he doesn’t have the brainpower to work out what the hell Philip means. “What happened?” Lukas asks, because clearly he needs to ask outright for Philip to answer the question. He hates feeling like he’s always the last to understand, but that’s how this conversation seems to be going. “After I-I walked away, what happened?”

 

Philip barks a laugh again. This one is a lot more chilling than the rest of them, instead feeling even more bitter than when Philip first laughed at the mention of that day when he entered the cabin. “Your friends happened, Lukas.”

 

What?

 

“You clearly weren’t doing anything about it, and no one was going home without the fight they were promised.” Lukas stays silent. He has no idea what to say, how to apologize for his friends or ask what they did or ask how he can help. “The one with the dark hair, Miles? You should tell him he’s got a good right hook.”

 

Lukas shakes his head, trying to wrap his head around every fucking direction this conversation has gone in the twenty minutes or so they’ve been in the cabin for. “I never wanted them to-”

 

“Does it matter?” Philip asks, cutting him off. “You didn’t, so they did, it’s over. Whatever.”

 

Lukas sighs, decides he’s really going to have to ask if he wants any real answers. For that moment, he doesn’t even consider the consequences of asking, or even why he wants to know so badly -- he just dives right in. “Tell me what happened.”

 

Philip gives him a sigh in return. “Fine, Lukas, you really want to know? Miles threw the first punch when it was clear you wouldn’t,” Philip spits. He takes a deep breath and somehow looks pissed off, but otherwise pretty much unphased. “Someone hit my back after that and I went down, and then it was a group of your friends, your classmates and  _ your _ followers closing in the circle and putting their boots to use.” 

 

There’s a moment of deafening silence before Lukas builds up the courage to try and reply. “I’m sorry, I--”

 

“I don’t need your sympathy.”

 

“Fine,” Lukas bites back, crossing his arms. “Then what do you want?”

 

Philip stares him down for a paralyzing moment, and somehow both of them have gotten angry again. Slowly, Philip’s mouth morphs into this smug grin that actually kind of suits him. It’s a dangerous look, and Lukas hates to say he doesn’t hate it. “To get back to doing what we’re good at.”

 

“Yeah, and that is?” Lukas says, even though he has an idea, and he has to fight to keep the laugh out of his tone.

 

Philip doesn’t respond, instead choosing to move in, gripping the fabric of Lukas’ shirt again and switching positions so it’s him throwing  _ Lukas _ up against the wall instead of the other way around. Eventually, each of them lose their shirts, and that’s when Lukas is thrown back into minutes before, maybe ten, when they were making out and Philip flinched away from Lukas’ grab at his hip. It’s evident now that there’s a bruise there, so Lukas pulls back, breaking the kiss, looks pointedly at the bruise and then Philip, who shrugs. “Yeah, I told you they were using their feet.”

 

“They kicked you? While you were down?” Lukas asks, and he hates how his voice wavers when he says it.

 

There’s one more half-sigh that comes from Philip. “Uh, yeah. What, did you think they’d play nice?” Lukas can’t possibly think of a reply, so he doesn’t say anything, and eventually Philip fills in the silence anyway. “Whatever. Just c’mere.”

  
Philip kisses him like it’s something important he has to do, like he enjoys every minute of taking Lukas’ life apart. His mouth slides against Lukas’ own, tongue slipping between his lips, and Lukas thinks idly that he would be okay with doing this for the rest of his natural life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you liked it!! you guys are incredible and every single one of your comments warms my heart. i don't know where this fic would be without you guys, and the comments are definitely what motivates me to write better and faster. unfortunately, i don't have any writing in the bank anymore, and i have no clue where i'm going with this either, so the next chapter may take a while. hang in there and ill get it up as soon as i can!!
> 
> as always, you can contact me on tumblr: grimegarage.tumblr.com
> 
> EDIT: as always, ur comments are warming my heart. as for the next chapter, i've got a few busy weeks ahead of me, so i have no clue when it will be up. i promise i won't abandon the fic, no matter how late the next chapter ends up being. i love u guys!!!
> 
> EDIT 2: hey guys, it's been a few weeks but i promise i haven't forgotten about this fic. i'm focused on exams right now, and i'm really not liking what i have written for chapter 8 right now so..... just hang in there, bear with me, i'll try to finish it and get it out to you guys as soon as possible!!!!!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS BEEN AGES!!!!! IM SO SORRY!!!
> 
> a few warnings: i wrote this chapter very slowly. it's messy. there's little philip involved. it's too descriptive. i have no beta. there are probably many mistakes. it's also very long. don't ask me why i have NO CLUE i just COULDN'T STOP.
> 
> anyway you guys are the Very Best for sticking with me even when i take forever, and i hope u thoroughly enjoy this!!!

They do get to work, eventually. It’s late by then, the chirping of birds outside slowly dying out to reveal the sound of crickets in their wake. It’s darker than it was when they arrived at the cabin separately, but they do get work done. However, their periods of work are less like class or studying and more like making out for a couple hours with breaks for homework in between. Like Lukas’ punishment for kissing someone who isn’t even his friend is a line of work every time Philip’s hand grazes by his pants. Call it whatever you want, it keeps Lukas from doing anything too stupid, keeps Philip at a distance, and finds a way to balance what they’re doing (Lukas has been calling it “tactful energy release” and “the alternative to anger management chips” in his head) while also managing not to procrastinate or ignore their homework completely.

 

It’s just that Lukas never thought someone else’s body would feel this good against his own. He feels like he’s been alone his entire life, has never seen another person until this -- even though that’s clearly not true. But Philip fits against him so well, and his skin is soft and smooth in a way Lukas can’t seem to describe properly even to himself. It’s a warmth Lukas never thought he’d take comfort in, but there he is, chasing after Philip’s mouth every chance he gets and willingly opting to press open-mouthed kisses to Philip’s bare chest. There isn’t anything to compare it to -- Lukas can’t say he’s ever been so excited about being wrapped up in old and ratty plaid sheets with a person he doesn’t even like, but there’s adrenaline running through his legs every time Philip’s mouth touches his own and he can’t think. He can’t focus on anything but the feeling of Philip’s tongue in his mouth and maybe Lukas should be trying to find something wrong with this, with what he’s feeling and what they’re doing, but he can’t bring himself to. He can’t focus long enough, or something.

 

They’re on the bed of the cabin now, stealing kisses from each other every so often while attempting to do work that, in theory, only should have taken half an hour or so. It’s gotten a little chilly as the hours have passed, but that just means they’ve moved closer to each other almost subconsciously. Lukas can’t help himself, he’s just never enjoyed kissing before. It felt more like a chore, something that was expected of him by Rose and people seeing him and Rose together, but now -- now he can’t take his mind off of it. Philip keeps looking down at his notebook and attempting to get shit done but every time Lukas watches him lick his lips, Lukas has to interrupt him with a hand on his jaw, pressing their lips together and Philip never seems to complain enough to actually want to stop. He says things like “We do have to get something done, you know,” but but he closes the book on his lap anyway.

 

It’s just all the energy, though. Philip produces all this electricity in Lukas that he can’t seem to get rid of, and this is the only way that seems to make it stop so far -- even then, it doesn’t even stop the electricity anyway, just makes it more enjoyable. He’d stop if he could, because he’s  _ not gay, _ of course he isn’t, but it’s almost addicting. Kissing Philip feels like downing a mickey in one go, like his lips are infused with some alcohol so strong that even just kissing them makes Lukas feel drunk. It feels like drowning in skin and enjoying it, but also like the first breath of fresh air after being underwater at the same time. Philip is both the feeling of drowning and the moment you finally breathe, and if Lukas could explain it any better than that (or why Philip has this kind of effect on people), he would. It doesn’t change how he feels about Philip though, why would it? He’s not gay, even if Philip clearly must be, he just likes the feeling of kissing someone who actually knows how to kiss.

 

Eventually, they do have to give up and go home. Lukas has exerted his extra energy, he’s gotten rid of all the restless aggravation or whatever, so he’s a little unenthusiastic when he suggests going home. It’s not totally on purpose, he just doesn’t actually like the kid, so why should he be warm to Philip? Why should he all of a sudden pretend they’re friends, or even something more than that? It’s better to be realistic, to be who they should be to each other and nothing more.

 

When Philip laughs and says, “Yeah, we probably should get going,” before leaning in to kiss Lukas again, Lukas leans away. He has to fight himself to do it, but he knows it’s for the better. Philip gives him a look that’s coded, and Lukas knows there’s something hidden underneath the surface that he should be trying to figure out, but he doesn’t look long enough to try. If Philip is hurt and trying to cover it up, that’s his deal -- it’s not Lukas’ problem, they aren’t even friends.

 

It’s silent after that.

 

They leave together, about twenty minutes after Philip texting Gabe that he’s got a ride home, the sky dark and Philip gripping onto Lukas’ waist tentatively. “You ready?” Lukas asks, once they’ve got their helmets on. Actually, it’s really just Philip with the helmet on, since Lukas only brought one, and he’s obviously the more experienced rider. Philip nods against his shoulder, so Lukas revs the engine and takes off. Their ride is silent, and there’s this creeping feeling of awkwardness that Lukas can’t ignore. He’s never been good at that covering or fixing awkwardness, though, and has gotten through social life thus far by ignoring those sorts of things, so he doesn’t try and break the silence. 

 

Lukas tries to focus on the road, on the wind in his hair and his jacket, the stars above them just starting to peek through the clouds as the night grows darker. He tries to remember the way back to Philip’s house on his own, so he doesn’t have to pay attention to Philip’s tugging on his jacket telling him to turn, but all Lukas’ efforts are fruitless. He can’t distract himself from Philip’s arms around his waist forever, and there’s only so much he can do to mask the electricity pulsing from Philip’s hands into Lukas’ skin and down into his legs. The ride home is too much and not enough at the same time, but Lukas doesn’t know  _ of what _ \-- and he’s not going to analyze it right now either, because Philip is gripped onto him, flush against his back, and he doesn’t want to put too much stock into that thought right now.

 

Eventually they arrive at Philip’s house, Lukas breaking tentatively just in case Philip isn’t ready and gets thrown off or something. 

 

“Well,” Philip says, taking off his helmet and handing it over, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “See ya,” he says, and somehow the kid doesn’t sound even a little bit uncomfortable, even after the looming awkwardness of the past fifteen minutes or so. Lukas would think, after a drive like that, at least Philip would be tentative, or weirded out, or unsettled or  _ something _ . 

 

Lukas chokes out, “Uh, yeah,” watches Philip shrug, and then the boy is turned away and walking back to his house, messenger bag slung over one shoulder as per usual. He looks like he’s fresh out of an 80s horror movie, but Philip pulls it off -- it’s almost infuriating, in a way.

 

By the time he arrives home that night, around 9p.m., everything in the cabin feels  like some weird fever dream, or like a memory from a past life or something. Bo grills him as he walks in the door, but somehow Lukas remains unshaken by it and manages to answer every question in a way that doesn’t make his father either angry or suspicious. He makes himself a snack, Bo eyeing him carefully over a glass of water and a newspaper he’s probably already read at least once today. Even through all these motions, Lukas can’t help but feel like there’s a wild animal caged inside his ribs, dying to get out. Everything in his house, everything he’s doing, every motion of making or eating food seems boring, uninteresting now. Like Lukas has had a taste of the kind of energy he felt back in the cabin, and now he can’t think of anything else -- everything pales in comparison. He can’t get his mind off it, and even as he’s microwaving his post-dinner snack, Lukas can’t help but pass the time by reliving it.

 

It continues that way until he’s in bed, headphones in his ears, replaying every moment over and over. It feels like a dream, like an acid trip, but he can’t be down from it yet because he still feels that electricity through his bones. Lukas can’t be sober yet because he still tastes Philip on his tongue, still smells him in the air. 

 

Yeah, that’s a good metaphor. Lukas isn’t gay, he doesn’t like Philip or anything, he’s just drunk on the adrenaline from kissing him. That’s not too weird. He’d never tell his friends, and not Rose either, because it’s something you keep to yourself. Sure, Will brags about who he has and hasn’t hooked up with all the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s anyone else’s business, and him  _ not _ sharing wouldn’t be any less weird. Besides, what he felt in the cabin -- it probably won’t ever happen again. It happened once, it was good, now Lukas can say he’s done it and get on with his life. He’s expelled the energy, reset his system, so now even he and Philip should be fine, right? Now that they’ve got all that extra pent-up energy out of the way, it should be normal now. No one has to know it happened because it’ll never happen again. Lukas’ reputation will be safe, and so will Philip. 

 

Then another thought crosses his mind, as he’s lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling, music drifting into his ears even though he’s not paying any attention to it at all.

 

Rose.

 

It’s not as though Lukas should be worried or anything -- it’s not cheating, right? It couldn’t possibly have been cheating unless Lukas  _ meant it _ , and he obviously didn’t. It’s not like Lukas just experienced his gay awakening or anything, it was a mess of emotions and energy and aggression, and -- he just acted in any way he knew how without killing the poor kid. It was impulsive, that doesn’t make it Lukas’ fault, right? It’s not cheating unless there’s any emotional attachment, and there  _ isn’t _ . Just because Lukas unknowingly backed out on punching the kid doesn’t mean he feels anything for him, not to mention he’s not gay. Why would he feel anything for a boy if he isn’t gay, right? Philip is… Lukas was just blowing off steam with him, that doesn’t mean anything.

 

Lukas refuses to feel guilty. There’s nothing for him to even feel guilty about, so he rolls over in his bed and shoves his earbuds in further, attempting to drown out every part of his brain screaming at him. 

 

It’s at least half an hour later when Lukas’ music goes quiet for a brief moment, and he realizes someone’s probably texted him or something. But when he checks his phone, rolling back, digging his hand out from underneath his pillow and gripping his phone where it rests in his hands, it’s not just from “someone.”

 

The text is from Rose.

 

_ we need to talk. _

 

For some reason, everything in Lukas sinks. It’s like everything comes crashing down around him, and even while he was convincing himself kissing Philip meant nothing, he was probably still high from it -- which becomes clear now, when that high brings him into a nosedive. He doesn’t know why the text feels like a punch to the gut, but it’s like reality has come back to meet him after a week of dreaming. It makes everything else, everything that happened in the cabin, everything with Philip -- this text makes it all feel like a hallucination or a vacation he’s just returned from.

 

He can’t force himself to reply immediately. Above almost anything else, Lukas knows she’s right. He can’t remember the last time he sat down with her, just the two of them. It could have been two days ago, or a week and a half, and the fact that Lukas just about the faintest idea is probably part of the problem. He hasn’t been a good boyfriend as of late, even making out with Philip aside -- he hasn’t been talking to her much, they haven’t hung out, hell, he doesn’t even know how she’s  _ doing _ .

 

Lukas knows he’ll reply eventually, but not right now. “We need to talk” are probably the worst four words you could possibly say to someone, and right now it’s going to make Lukas’ brain explode completely. 

 

Instead, he allows himself to drift slowly into sleep. It’s pleasant, almost, like the calm he’s been waiting for, and a cool breeze drifts into his window. When he wakes up, somewhere after midnight, it’s chillier in the room than it was before, and Lukas notices his window open. It’s weird, though, he never really opens his window. He hasn’t slept with it open in years, at the very least not since his mom died, not even in the summers when his sheets stick to his skin. Lukas didn’t remember opening the window, but he must have -- it’s so chilly though, and winter is coming up, so why would he decide to do that?

 

He decides to leave it. Lukas’ comforter is warm, and he doesn’t mind sleeping in a cold room if his blankets are a reasonable temperature. Besides, it’s kind of calming, with the window open, and the breeze reminds him of being on his bike, of the exhilarating feeling that’s somehow calming at the same time. It does remind Lukas of his mom, though. He can’t really escape that, no matter how much he tries to root the wind in his biking, it always comes back to his mom. She used to sleep with the window open, always used to come in to Lukas’ room during hot summer days and open it when he wasn’t there. She was a big fan of nature, open air, and he’s still pretty sure she’s the reason Bo bought the farm in the first place. Hell, he probably keeps the chickens alive just for her.

 

Why though, does the wind, and the moon shining in Lukas’ window, make him think of Philip as well? Why does the memory of Philip’s arms, wrapped around his waist on his bike come to mind?

 

There’s no sense dwelling on the thought now. If Lukas is awake anyway, he decides he may as well reply to Rose. She’s the type to reply within minutes of receiving a text if she’s not busy, so when Lukas takes hours to reply she usually gets a little irritated. Maybe falling asleep before replying was a bad idea.

 

But then he opens his phone and sees the text on his screen again.    
  
_ we need to talk. _

 

Who says that anymore? There’s no way it can mean anything good -- either she’s picked up on the unintentional distance Lukas has somehow put between them for no reason other than not knowing what to say, or not remembering to say anything at all. The last time they texted was two days ago, and Lukas genuinely, at this point, can’t remember if that’s normal for couples or not. He’s never had a problem dealing with a relationship before, always kind of just… went with the flow or whatever, so it’s a new feeling for him to be so unsure. The thought of putting in effort to keep a relationship going, especially with Rose, is altogether completely unfamiliar to Lukas, and he can’t help but wonder why now, of all times, it’s beginning to be an issue. Is he changing, or is this just due to the sheer amount of chaos and  _ what-the-fuck _ ery that has taken over his life recently?

 

Replying turns out to be much harder than Lukas was initially anticipating. He figured he’d just say something nonchalant, like “whatever,” or “sure thing,” but both of those sound either too uninvested or standoffish. He genuinely likes Rose, and they’ve been going out for a while, so he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and he doesn’t want them to stop dating, either. So how does he reply without making it sound like he knows exactly what she’s talking about, or agrees, or is hiding something, or doesn’t really care about her or their relationship at all?

 

Lukas, in reality, has never been good at social games. He’s cool because he keeps his mouth shut, not because he ever actually knows what to say.

 

In the end, he goes with a simple reply, if only to get his mind off of it. He can’t stay up for hours trying to reply to a single message from his girlfriend, and besides, whatever she wants to say, she’s going to say it anyway. As soon as Lukas hits send, he throws his phone to the other side of the bed and passes right back out again.

 

**Ok.**

 

*****

 

The next day, Lukas wakes up with a knot in his stomach, similar to the one he woke up with the day he planned to fight Philip. It’s dread this time, he knows that now, and he refuses to think about what that means for a couple days ago, when that feeling was in response to hurting Philip in some way. They can’t mean the same thing, because that would imply that Lukas has any regard for Philip whatsoever. 

 

Which isn’t true.

 

It  _ can’t _ be true. Not while Lukas has a girlfriend, not as long as Lukas knows he’s straight (and he  _ does _ know it), and not while Philip continues to be the outcast of the school. After everything Lukas has worked towards, after all he’s managed to achieve in this small-town life of his, he’s not going to risk it all by admitting he might actually care about some nerdy new kid who can’t seem to stop pissing people off. It’s not his scene, and frankly, Lukas doesn’t want it to be his scene.

 

The morning passes by in a blur. Lukas knows he eats breakfast, he knows he says goodbye to his father and races out of the house to the school. He sits in first period, sneaking glances at Rose out of the corner of his eye that he’s kind of half-hoping she notices. Will that give him brownie points, or just make him look guilty in her eyes? Second period is much of the same, but by lunch, Lukas has almost completely forgotten that Rose intends to corner him and have some sort of “talk” by the end of the day.

 

Of course, she hasn’t.

 

Halfway through lunch, which is actually pretty silent for the group of friends at their table, Rose looks at him pointedly and attempts to communicate through a determined set of eyebrows what she actually wants to say.

 

Lukas, of course, genius he is, doesn’t understand a single thing she’s trying to tell him, and through his confusion, attracts the attention of the rest of the table, who look at Lukas like he’s crazy. They all seem just as lost as Lukas is, except for Kyle -- Miles and Will look confused but mostly uninterested, but where Kyle usually groups in with them, he now looks like he knows something everyone else doesn’t. 

 

Either that, or he cares even less than Will and Miles, and it comes across as him knowing something. Then again, he does look kind of interested.

 

“You planning on using your words there, Rosie?” Miles chuckles, looking to Will beside him, and expecting a laugh from him in response.

 

Rose just rolls her eyes. “I told you not to call me that, Kilometre.”

 

“That one doesn’t even make sense. We live in  _ America _ , Rosie.”

 

“Shut up,” she says, sticking her tongue out in Miles’ direction, and then turning toward Lukas. “Meet me after school?”

 

Lukas’ stomach plummets. This is where he remembers about the text, and exactly  _ why _ Rose might be trying to communicate with him through facial features alone. He still doesn’t really know the reason for the “talk” they’re supposed to be having, but he’s nervous anyway. Knowing Lukas, he’s probably done one or many stupid things recently, most he’s probably not even aware of, and the consequences are now rearing their nasty little heads to come bite him in the butt.

 

Maybe she’s planning on breaking up with him. There’s no way she’d ever know about Philip, right? Just because he didn’t punch the guy -- it’s not like Lukas has been acting any different around him during school or anything, not that anyone could have seen, so how would she know? Did she follow them to the cabin that night, or did Philip  _ tell her _ about it? If he has Lukas swears to himself, past be damned, that he’d actually punch Philip this time. No blacking out, no hesitation, no vomiting in the bushes because he’s too much of a weakling to defend his own honour or whatever -- none of that bullshit, Philip would be  _ done _ if he said anything to Rose or anyone else. 

 

Even if Rose  _ did _ know, would she care? It’s not cheating unless Lukas is gay, and it’s not like she has suspicions about that, right, because he’s in a relationship with her. She wouldn’t date him if she thought he might be into dick. Besides, he’s not gay, so he could always reassure her of that. The most pressing question is… if she knew, would she tell anyone?

 

Finally, Lukas comes back to reality enough to have the wherewithal to reply, which is good, seeing as Rose looks like he’s gone off to space instead of answering her question. “Uh, yeah,” he says, trying to remember whatever the fuck it was she asked him. “Where?”

 

She smiles back at him, relieved. “Just outside the doors. We’ll figure out somewhere to go after that. Okay, baby?”

 

Calling him “baby,” must be a good sign, right? He can’t have done anything too bad if she’s still calling him petnames, even if they happen to be ones he never told her he hates. 

 

“Sure,” he says, and the bell rings to signal the end of lunch.

 

The weirdest thing about this day, so far, is that Lukas hasn’t had a single encounter with Philip. He hasn’t even noticed the kid once, and that must mean he really doesn’t care. Which is good, that’s just proof of what he knew to be true from the beginning.

 

But then, that’s not true. He hasn’t completely forgotten about Philip altogether, just hasn’t thought about him obsessively today, or, at least, hasn’t been paying attention to him. Lukas knows he was in first period because every time he tried to steal a glance out of the corner of his eye at Rose, he ended up seeing Philip in the background as well. 

 

Other than that, though, Lukas hasn’t really seen him today. Obviously he wasn’t in Lukas’ second period, since that’s his designated Daily Break From Philip, and Lukas has to assume the kid is still hiding in the bathroom during the lunch periods every day because Lukas definitely can’t find him in the lunchroom. So it’s not that he hasn’t been noticing the kid at all, it’s just that he hasn’t been around to notice other than first period, and for the first time in a while, Lukas has something else to worry about that  _ isn’t _ how irritating Philip is. 

 

It’s weird, Lukas realizes, to have gone so long without thinking about Philip (or how annoying he is). Usually his entire day is packed wall-to-wall with aggression in the kids direction, he’s constantly noticing Philip and not always in the best way -- Newbie’s presence is essentially permanently and obnoxiously apparent to Lukas at any given time. But today, the kid has been so absent, was so quiet in Lukas’ first period, that Lukas can’t even get irritated with him. 

 

So third period happens to be essentially the first time Lukas interacts with Philip that day, and he’s not sure anyone can blame him if Lukas was expecting it to be (for lack of a better word) easy. Rose is still in the class, of course, but she’s further up and it’s pretty much the farthest that Lukas has been from her all day. It allows him to ease his mind, even though he’s sitting directly beside the guy who usually sends it out of whack, and focus on something other than the Big Chit Chat Rose wants to have with him.

 

Again, it’s a weird feeling, though -- to be directly beside Philip and yet be almost… relaxed  instead of more irritated. It’s not that the kid doesn’t send him up the fucking wall, because he does -- he always has -- but now that Lukas has something more worrying to think about, Philip’s particular brand of annoying is somehow less apparent. The beating of his heart in his chest is no stranger to him now, especially not when he’s beside Philip -- something he never thought would become familiar to him.

 

The only problem now is that he and Philip aren’t on incredible terms right now, either -- not that they ever were, being almost enemies since the minute Philip stepped foot in Red Hook. At least recently they’ve been mostly civil -- now, they don’t even have that going for them. The awkwardness from the cabin (both the actual…  _ Deed _ as well as the Lukas’ rejection near the end) has seeped into the space between them now. 

 

There are fifteen people surrounding them who are trying desperately to memorize the name and organization of every element on the periodic table for a test they’ve just been warned about, and Lukas is  _ trying, _ trust him, he is. It’s just that all he can think about with Philip this close to him again is what his body feels like pressed up against Lukas’ own, how his mouth feels, what he tastes like. Lukas keeps getting whiffs of bonfire and being automatically reminded that while Philip is a reasonable distance away from him, it feels like his personal space has been completely invaded. 

 

Lukas ends up tapping his foot to ground himself. He has an awkward talk with Rose coming up, one that’s extra stressful because he can’t even  _ guess _ what she’s going to talk about, and it doesn’t help that Philip is sitting right beside him, acting like the cabin never happened.

 

“Can you stop doing that?”

 

The voice jars Lukas from his thoughts. He wasn’t expecting Philip to say anything, and he hasn’t heard the kid’s voice since they were arguing in the cabin and then pushing each other against walls and -- to hear him speak so casually is a little surprising. Although, to be fair, Lukas isn’t sure what else he was supposed to expect.

 

When Lukas looks up, though, Philip isn’t even looking at him. He’s studying, and the words clearly aren’t a big deal to him. It’s the first time they’ve spoken since last night and yet there is no hint of it in Philip’s voice.

 

“Lukas,” he says again, finally looking up this time and sighing. It’s weird, he’s not sure he’s really heard Philip say  _ his _ name out loud, either. It reminds him about what Philip was asking, though, and Lukas instinctively follows Philip’s gaze to Lukas’ leg.

 

For a moment Lukas thinks Philip is pointing out something embarrassing to him, like evidence of what they were doing the day before or something -- but instead Lukas notices that his leg is still bouncing up and down. “Oh,” Lukas says, belatedly, and continues softly, “sorry.”

 

*

 

By the time the end of the school day comes, Lukas has, once again, completely forgotten about Rose and her ominous text from the night before. She approaches him by the doors to the school, but Lukas isn’t really looking at her.

 

It’s a sunny day, the wind sending calm breezes that are almost too warm for this time of year. Lukas can feel the twisting of his gut again, but his eyes are focused on the telltale leather jacket fifteen feet or so ahead of him, weaving through the crowd to where his bike usually is. Lukas’ gaze follows the boy’s messy brunette hair across the school’s lawn, but his own group of friends eventually blocks Philip from his view.

 

Miles is standing with his back to Lukas, facing the circle of the rest of Lukas’ friends. His hands are animated, moving around as he speaks, and while Lukas can hear his voice, he can’t make out any words. He must be telling some kind of story, but Lukas can’t hear what it’s about.

 

“Hey, baby,” Rose says, grabbing onto the arm of Lukas’ jacket. She looks up at him with eyes that know something, but Lukas doesn’t want to think about what she might know. She seems almost worried, but he can’t tell if that should be a good sign for him or not. “You wanna get out of here?”

 

Lukas doesn’t give her much of a response past a simple shrug and a mumbled, “Sure.” 

 

Rose tugs him in the direction of his bike, parked down the street from the school, and they wave casual goodbyes at their friends as they pass. Even as they walk, Rose doesn’t give Lukas any sign of what she might want to talk about, no hints or anything he could possibly use to figure it out for himself. Once again, he’s never really been good at reading people anyway, so he gives up and allows her to steer them toward his bike.

“You’re quiet,” she says, but it’s less of an accusation and more of a simple observation. If there’s a note of anything in her voice that says otherwise, Lukas either misses or ignores it. 

 

He hums as they reach his bike, and he hands his helmet over to Rose for her to wear for the ride. “Sorry,” he says, but she just smiles and tells him it’s okay.

 

Rose looks at him while she puts his helmet on, speaking while she attempts to do up the strap under her chin. He’s not returning her gaze, instead focusing his attention on a spot on his bike that may or may not be his imagination, but he can feel it. “Where do you want to go?”

 

“I don’t know,” he says, finally straightening up. “I’m good with whatever.”

 

She smiles softly again and motions for him to get on his bike so she can sit behind him. Once they’re seated, she says, “Let’s go to that coffee shop,” into his ear before wrapping her arms around his waist.

 

Lukas does his best not to focus on how wrong it feels, or why. Her arms don’t fit as well as they should, and it’s uncomfortable even though there’s nothing actually painful about it. There’s this uncomfortable space between them even as they’re pressed up against each other on the bike, and Rose’s hands interlock around his stomach instead of resting against him. It feels like trying to write with your left hand after years of writing with your right, or coming home to find that every piece of furniture has been moved one inch to the left. 

 

It shouldn’t bug him so much, that Lukas can’t feel leather on his back, or that Rose nuzzles her head into his neck -- or tries, even though her helmet makes it quite difficult. Instead, Lukas focuses on the wind blowing through their jackets as he peels away from the school, and he swears to himself he doesn’t search the sidewalks for a boy riding a bike who hasn’t said more than six words to him since the night before.

 

They arrive at the coffee shop twenty-five minutes later. The sun has since disappeared behind a light cloud, just enough that the heat of the day is spared from the sidewalk, the rays instead drifting down in patches onto trees and benches. Even so, the weather is still a little unusually warm for this time of year, but the breeze is a little cooler now.

 

Rose puts a hand on Lukas’ shoulder as she swings a leg off the bike, pulling off her helmet and watching Lukas get off after her once she’s standing. “Come on, babe, stop stalling,” she says, waiting for him to look back at her. She clearly knows he’s nervous about it, whether she really knows  _ why _ or not, Lukas would never be able to tell. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, but he’s still looking at the bike. He can’t explain why, but the thought of looking at her while she knows he’s stalling is almost more nerve-wracking than the thought of their upcoming conversation, wherein Lukas’ girlfriend may more may not verbally tear him to shreds for being a bad person. “Okay,” he says again, but he doesn’t move.

 

“Lukas,” Rose presses again, softly. It’s like she knows exactly what’s bugging him without actually knowing at all. “It’s okay, I’m not going to eat you alive. Let’s just go get some coffee, okay?”

 

Lukas doesn’t reply verbally, but he nods and she puts a hand on his shoulder again. Their walk across the street is silent, but not hostile. Rose is smiling, Lukas can tell out of the corner of his eye as they walk, but it does nothing to ease his stress.

 

They choose a booth near the front of the coffee shop, along the side, next to the window. Lukas is thankful -- he wouldn’t want to feel trapped in the back of the cafe and much prefers to be able to look outside, a distraction just in case the conversation goes somewhere he doesn’t want to pay too much attention to. There aren’t a lot of people walking by, but Lukas is sure he’ll find something to interest him if he needs to. 

 

“So,” Rose begins, and the soft smile on her face wavers only slightly. She reaches for his hand across the table, and like always, Lukas doesn’t move his hand closer or farther away. He just lets it happen, allows himself to be comforted by the girl he’s sure should make him feel better. “Are you okay?” She asks. It doesn’t help, not the calmness of her voice or her hand on his arm, or her soft smile or the worry in her eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, but he’s not sure it’s true.

 

She looks at him like she knows it isn’t, smiles in a way that tells him she doesn’t believe it. Rose sighs, her eyes closing, and Lukas can’t say he’s ever seen her like this. Neither of them are the most observant people, and he never would have pegged her as the type to read him, or care about reading him, or be so concerned when she finds something. “Lukas, I’m not asking because I’m going to judge,” she says, pulling her hand back and resting her hand on her chin. “You’ve been acting a little strange lately and I-”

 

“Hi there,” a woman says beside them. Lukas looks to his right, grateful for the distraction, because he has to say he’s pretty nervous about where this could go. It’s a blonde girl, wearing an apron with the cafe’s name scrawled across the front. She’s holding a notepad and smiling like she doesn’t know she just interrupted something.

 

Of course, one look at Rose’s face, mouth half-open and eyes slowly turning to look the waitress’ way, and she seems to understand. “Do you want me to come back?”

 

“Uh, no, that’s alright,” Rose says, taking her hand from her chin and putting it back in her lap. “Just a latte for me,” she continues with a smile before looking to Lukas across from her. “Baby?”

 

The waitress smiles. Neither her or Rose notices his calculated response to the petname. Her nametag says her name is Sarah, and not that it’s terribly important but Lukas absently wonders why he’s never seen this girl before. She doesn’t seem like she’s long out of high school, and there’s only one in the area, so Lukas figures if she went to Red Hook he would have seen her at least once. It’s a nice name, he thinks and looks down at the menu on the table. 

 

She seems to understand that he’s thinking, so she smiles politely and says, “We have a special fall hot chocolate promotion today,” pointing to the big writing on the front of the menu. “And a few different roasts of coffee, if you like. We’re also known for our jam and pastries, if you’re not interested in-”

 

“Just coffee. I don’t care what roast or whatever,” Lukas says, barely looking at the waitress or Rose. He realizes a little too late that he might have been a little rude, so he tacks on a “thank you,” as she smiles and turns around to go put their orders in.

 

Once she’s gone, Rose looks at him again, and that specific smile returns to her face. “You didn’t have to get anything, you know.”

 

Lukas only shrugs. “May as well,” he replies, even though he’s not the biggest coffee drinker, and he really did only get something as another distraction, and because Rose did.

 

Rose hums, freely meeting Lukas’ gaze even if he can’t return the favour. “Okay, I’m just going to get right into it, because you look like you don’t want to admit you’re stressing out about it and maybe you’ll relax once I actually start speaking.” Lukas doesn’t say anything, just smiles just a little to let her know he appreciates it. She laughs a little at him, but even that provides little extra comfort to him. “Don’t freak out, but I wanted to ask you if you wanted to take a break.”

 

Her suggestion doesn’t make sense to him until a minute or so after it’s left her lips, when it finally sinks in what she means. He doesn’t jump to asking her why, just studies her face as she looks at him with an even stare.

 

It’s the calmest Lukas has ever seen Rose when talking about their relationship. She’s usually loud, or upset, or excited, or bugging him about something they need to do to become the “ultimate couple” in the school. Her words shock him, because he’d never expected her to be the ones to say them -- but they leave her mouth so calmly, casually, like she’s asking about the weather instead of suggesting, for the first time ever, that they break up.

 

They’ve been together for… something crazy like -- coming up on two and a half years now. It seems like so long and yet so short at the same time. They had gotten together a few months before the end of freshman year, spent that first summer together just hanging out and getting to know each other better. They hadn’t always seen eye-to-eye, and had more than their fair share of arguments and awkward moments, but had never gotten to this point. She had threatened it, mostly as a joke or to be dramatic more than a few times, but had never been this serious. It was more like “I’m not ready for sex so ha-ha why don’t I just release you off to other girls,” to which Lukas had essentially replied, “Absolutely not, no, that’s ridiculous, please don’t,” moreso because of the fear of other girls and sex in general than wanting to stay with her for the rest of his life. He didn’t dare tell her or anyone else, but he was probably way less ready for sex than she was at the time, and his thoughts haven’t changed even though hers probably have.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t like her, because he does. They’ve always been close, and Lukas would easily say she’s his closest friend -- but something like, say, marrying her… it’s not something that even seems in this realm of possibility to him. It’s never crossed his mind and he’s glad for it.

 

Lukas certainly hadn’t expected Rose to be this calm, though, when she finally brought it up. Even back when they first started going out, he thinks maybe he always saw this as inevitable. Maybe not for her to be speaking them, or not like this, but -- he can’t say he’s completely surprised.

 

But then again, it’s not an official break up. She asked if he wanted to take a break, not be done forever -- and if she’s so calm about it, it must mean one of three things: either she wants it too, she knows he’ll come back eventually, or she’s really just that worried about him. 

 

“Uh-” Lukas starts, but he’s interrupted by Sarah, who comes back with their drinks. She seems to notice this time that they’re in the middle of something, and meets his eye as she silently backs up, eyebrows raised, as though asking if she should. “No, it’s fine,” he says, so Sarah smiles and approaches them again.

 

Rose purses her lips together as Sarah sets down their drinks, her face unreadable. “Alright,” Sarah says, sounding altogether too happy and upbeat for the conversation the people in front of her are in the middle of having. “A latte for the lovely lady,” she sings, placing Rose’s mug in front of her, “and a coffee, surprise roast for the gentleman.” Her smile brightens up the room, even just slightly, but it’s not really directed at him. “If there isn’t anything else you need, I’ll get out of your way.”

 

Lukas and Rose shake their heads, Rose remembering to thank Sarah as she goes. “I’ll explain,” Rose says, jumping immediately back into their conversation, “because you still seem a little stumped.”

 

She wraps her hands around her latte, a round and stout maroon mug (more like a bowl) with a clearly hand-painted set of words on the side. His own is grey, tall and slim and with small flowers around the handle. “You’ve seemed a little disconnected lately. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want you to think you can’t talk to me,” she says, looking him with eyes that practically assault him with how hard she’s trying to show him she cares. “But I also don’t know if it’s something I can help with. If you want some space, I’m okay with that. I’d rather you come back to this relationship refreshed than be… uninterested, or resent me for ignoring when you need some time.”

 

Lukas nods, but he’s not sure he understands anything she’s saying to him. It’s all just gibberish to him, in a way, like he can hear and understand her words but he just can’t absorb the meaning. 

 

“Lukas, what happened a few days ago?”

 

This is where Lukas panics. He’s not sure anyone can blame him, if he immediately freaks out on the inside, starts searching through everything he’s said or done in the past couple days that she could be worried about. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the night before, images of the skin of Philip’s neck as Lukas pushed him into the wall of the cabin and kissed into him, but Rose specifically said “a few” days ago. She couldn’t have heard about yesterday, and even if she had, she clearly wasn’t mentioning it now.

 

“The fight,” she says, like he needs clarification, because she knows he does, apparently. “You sort of -- checked out. I’ve never seen you do that before… did- Lukas, did something happen?”

 

For a moment, Lukas is confused. He just can’t piece together what she could possibly mean, until all of a sudden he can. It hits him like a freight train, all at once. “You-- you mean with Philip? No,” he says, shaking his head. “No,” he repeats, just in case.

 

Rose takes a sip of her latte, smiling as she places her mug back down. “I wouldn’t push, except- are you sure? You’ve certainly been acting weird recently, and you were complaining about him last week.”

 

Once again, it takes a minute for what she’s saying to click for Lukas. She’s not talking about them becoming friends, or doing anything… more incriminating than that (although she would be half-right, he supposes), she’s talking about something bad. Something Lukas would have difficulty talking about. Although, he doesn’t really talk about anything so it’s not like she’s wrong there, either.

 

She’s asking Lukas if something  _ happened _ with Philip, like the kid hit him or -- somehow did something worse than that, or something. So bad he backed away from a fight with him instead of beating him up even harder for it. “Rose,  _ no _ , nothing- nothing happened, not like that,” he insists, so she nods.

 

“Okay, okay, babe, I just wanted to check and make sure. I won’t push,” she says, and her smile turns a little sad, like she thinks it’s her own fault. Like it’s something personal, and she knows Lukas doesn’t love her enough to confide in her, or something. She looks like she’s breaking up with herself for him -- maybe she is. “You just tell me what you need, and I’ll do my best to help you, okay?”

 

Lukas shakes his head, looking down at the coffee he hasn’t even touched. It came to him black, and they don’t have any cream or sugar packets on the table. “I-I don’t want to break up.” It’s true, but maybe not for all the best reasons. Lukas can’t remember what high school was like without Rose, doesn’t know what people would expect of him in terms of dating and stories of hookups and everything else -- plus, he likes Rose. Aside from all the weirdness in their lives recently, they  _ are _ friends. They’ve been dating for over two years now, they have to love each other, right? Breaking up with her would be asking for a whole lot of scrutiny from his friends that Lukas isn’t sure he would be able to handle.

 

When he finally looks up, Rose is smiling at him with her chin in her hands again, elbows resting on the table. “Look, Lukas, we don’t have to tell anyone. I’m not just asking for you, I- I’m hoping this will fix us, babe. I’m not any happier about this than you are,” she speaks softly, and grabs his hand again from across the table. It’s actually comforting this time, believe it or not. “But I think we need this.”

 

Of course, that’s when Sarah finally comes back with Lukas’ creamer, even though his coffee is essentially room temperature at this point. “Sorry,” she whispers, laughing in Rose’s direction and flashing a bright smile before she backs up again. She throws her hands up in surrender and retreats back to her other tables.

 

In the end, Rose isn’t wrong, and Lukas knows it. They talk out the details, how they’re going to act in front of their friends in the coming days, and a limit for when they should just call it on the “break” and end it for real, if it comes to that. They’re pretty much done before they’re even finished their coffees, but it’s not uncomfortable at all. In fact, it’s more comfortable than he thought it would be.

 

Eventually Sarah comes by with their bills, smiling wide like usual and humming as she approaches. She sways with her hips a little, her apron flowing with her, and places each of their bills separately in front of them. “I forgot to ask whether you wanted the check together or separate, so I just took the liberty, I hope you don’t mind.” She’s looking at both of them but her smile is clearly pointed, and it makes Rose thread her fingers together and clench her hands a little tightly in front of her.

 

“No worries,” Lukas speaks for her, because it looks for a moment like Rose might burst. Sarah’s head turns quickly from Rose to look at him, but Rose takes over the second half of what he was going to say.

 

“We’ve got it.” Rose’s voice is light, though, and her smile is polite.

 

Sarah smiles again, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Sure, love. Just come up to the front when you’re ready to pay!” Sarah saunters off back toward the kitchen, but Lukas doesn’t watch her go -- he watches Rose watch her go.

 

She sighs and looks back at Lukas. “Okay, I didn’t mean you should flirt with the first girl you see, right in front of me.”

 

Lukas can’t help it -- he starts laughing. Despite their entire conversation today, the awkwardness that could have been but wasn’t really present… he’s laughing. “R-Rose,” he says, through his chuckles, and he can’t remember the last time he laughed, properly, like this. It (and he hates to admit it) might have been with Philip. “Rose, I don’t think she was -- I don’t think it’s me she was interested in.”

 

It’s funny, to watch Rose’s eyebrows shoot up and he holds back more laughter as her head turns sharply toward where Sarah is talking with some of her coworkers behind the counter.

 

They exit the coffee shop five minutes later, and it’s a little weird but not as weird as Lukas initially expected. The ride home is actually less uncomfortable for Lukas than the ride there was, but he can’t place why and it’s clear he’s not really the biggest fan of analyzing his thoughts and trying to figure himself out.

 

*

 

Later that night, as he lies on his bed, he pulls out his phone to text Philip -- he has no idea what he intends to say, doesn’t even remember deciding to say anything, but he can’t focus on the music playing in his ears because he’s too busy trying to figure out what he should say. It just seemed natural, opening his (frankly, pretty sparse) text history with Philip and attempting to type out some sort of message to him. 

 

When he finally figures out what he wants to say, it’s 9p.m., and he’s decided to go with something along the lines of, “What happened yesterday is never going to happen again. Stay away from me.”

 

He hits send and closes his eyes, proud of himself. Philip’s reply comes in, pretty quickly afterward, forcing Lukas to open his eyes again.

 

_ Ok. _

 

That’s not the part that freaks Lukas out though, no. No, what freaks him out is looking just above that message, at the one he sent.

  
**Meet me at the cabin tomorrow.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY now that you've read this: i'm a little stuck with this fic and need advice. if you have tumblr, please feel free to contact me on there or comment here and help me out!!!! i need ideas!!!!! 
> 
> as always thanks for reading and sticking with me. i love comments more than anything, they make my day and u guys are so good at articulating it makes me cry. feel free to point out inconsistencies/mistakes, or give constructive criticism!!!! thank u so much
> 
> tumblr: grimegarage


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LOOK TO THE NOTES AT THE BOTTOM FOR A SMALL WARNING!!
> 
> SO i'm finally back with another chapter after another ice age, i'm so sorry, i love u all!!! i actually got really into the foxhole court series, so it was difficult for me to write for philkas for a while because i was so heavily MESSED UP by the foxes/andreil. 
> 
> anyway i'm so happy u guys have stuck with me, and to the people who have messaged me on tumblr about this fic: I LOVE U GUYS FOREVER. it's actually the best feeling. you guys are incredible. i know i said on my blog that i'd have this up yesterday, but i got caught up with life and stuff so i hope you'll forgive me!!
> 
> as always, i have no beta so please point out any mistakes/inconsistencies!! ENJOY~

The next day comes, and Lukas doesn’t remember falling asleep the night before. He doesn’t remember the text he sent Philip before he passed out until he reads it again in the morning, the sun shining bright through the window and into his room, forcing Lukas to blink away his sleep slowly. Reading the text over coaxes a frustrated sigh out of him. His window is closed again, but he doesn’t remember doing that either -- he wonders if maybe Bo did it while he was out with Rose the day before, perhaps for the same reason Lukas decided to keep it open. 

 

Lukas rolls out of bed to sit on the edge, scrubbing his hands over his face, weighted with fatigue, and then runs them through his hair. He considers sending another text, saying something like “Don’t come, I changed my mind,” but he doesn’t. For some reason, Lukas decides to leave it for now, thinking maybe he’ll come back to it later or maybe he won’t show up at all. It would be a good prank, leaving Philip there all alone, waiting on him. It would be a perfect insult, it would end whatever they had completely, and it would make up for Lukas wimping out on hitting the kid.

 

But that also means Philip would be alone at the cabin,  _ his  _ cabin -- no, his mother’s cabin. It’s not a thought Lukas is sure he could handle, and he doesn’t want to think about what Philip might do if he were angry. The kid may not be aggressive but Lukas has barely let Rose near it, let alone trusted anyone in there by themselves. If Philip gets a ride there and then realizes Lukas isn't showing up, Lukas may as well just hand the keys over to an arsonist or something. 

 

Lukas has never seen Newbie outwardly violent, but there’s a fight in Philip’s eyes that never seems to leave -- it’s almost startling. It’s something Lukas wishes he saw in himself, but he knows it’s not there. It’s a sign of someone who has fought for themselves time and time again, whether they wanted to or not, someone who’s willing to do whatever it takes to  _ survive _ . When he thinks about it, Lukas isn’t sure if he should be impressed or worried. He hasn’t actually fought the kid yet, but coming from the city, and from what he’s heard about Philip’s mother and his old neighbourhood -- he wouldn’t be surprised if Philip threw a good punch.

 

He could ask Miles, but Lukas is sure he’d then wonder why Lukas was asking. Not to mention, from Philip’s description it didn’t seem like he got the chance to throw one at anyone else while he was getting tag-teamed by all of Lukas’ friends, and he probably would have seen a mark on Miles at some point if Philip had actually tried.

 

Maybe the best option is to meet Philip at the cabin like he suggested, and talk it out with him then. Make it clear that whatever happened between them isn’t to be repeated.

 

Regardless, Lukas has woken up that morning with a lighter feeling in his chest, and he walks downstairs refusing, as always, to think too hard about why that is. Maybe he simply spent all of yesterday worrying about Rose, and now that it’s finally over he can have some peace of mind. 

 

*

 

School is boring. That’s pretty much all there is to say about first and second period -- although the words “frustrating” and “weird” would also be accurate. Every time they’re in the same room, Lukas uses every bit of his energy to ignore Philip. It’s a tired routine by this point; it’s been almost three weeks since Philip came to the school and made Lukas relate harder than he ever has to the first few lines of the Fresh Prince theme song. He’s used to it, though -- looking any other direction when he notices the boy’s eyes on him or near him -- and he wonders if that should worry him at all. How comfortable is too comfortable? It’s not like there’s a handbook or anything.

 

It’s not like Lukas would read it even if there was. Does he really want to know how far he is from the regulated norm? Is there a step-by-step process he should be following, and if there is, would he even like the steps involved?

 

Halloween, at this point, is under a week away. It’s on a Wednesday this year, which created a momentary pause for Lukas and his crew on the subject of parties, if only because it’s a school night and they’re not totally insane -- but they’re all fine with celebrating the weekend after instead. This is news to Lukas, who has essentially been in a social coma for the past few days at least, if not his entire life. He’s always had a habit of tuning out conversations when he doesn’t have anything to contribute, and settled for allowing Rose to drag him along whenever plans came to fruition. But as they’re discussing it in front of him at lunch, Lukas realizes it’ll be a bit harder for her to do that for him if they’re… taking a break, or whatever.

 

Speaking of which, Lukas supposes his friends don’t really know. That is, until the conversation turns from Halloween plans to costume ideas, Austin excitedly throwing out ideas he thinks are cool like masks of the President, or fucking Scream. Miles, speaking over Austin completely (to no one’s disappointment), starts suggesting costumes that quickly get sexual, and then move swiftly onward to very suggestive couples costumes.

 

It’s then, while every head at the table is turning to look at either him or Rose, that Lukas realizes all of them are single -- except for (they think) Lukas and Rose. They didn’t really discuss  _ when _ they were going to tell everyone. 

 

“I’m serious, dude, you be the plug, she’ll be the outlet. It’s fucking classic.” Miles slaps a hand against Will’s shoulder, trying to encourage a supportive laugh from his friend. “ _ Or _ you guys could do like, a sexy cop and criminal, that’d be hot. Really kinky, you know?”

 

Rose barely looks up from her nachos. Lukas knows because he’s specifically been trying to make eye contact with her so he can silently plead for help, or at least measure her reaction to see what their plan is. However, she seems completely unphased when she replies. “Not going to happen, Miles. I’m not here to fill your pathetic and lonely wet dreams, and neither is Lukas.”

 

Miles snickers, leaning his back into Will’s shoulder and away from Rose. “Sorry Rosie, I’m just here for a good laugh, I’m not into you or your boyfriend. I’d rather fuck my dog than either of you.” Something about his tone is absolutely infuriating, like there’s something utterly disgusting about both Rose and Lukas that shouldn’t be touched with a ten-foot pole.

 

Judging by the face Rose makes into her nachos, she catches it too. “There is so much wrong with that sentence that I think if I tried to point it out I might vomit. Or be here until I’m eighty,” Rose says, looking into her food like they’ll save her from the conversation somehow. Her face looks like she’s eaten something rancid and she’s trying to wash out her mouth with something pleasant.

 

Lukas decides maybe that should be his chance to speak, but Kyle beats him to it. “Hey Miles, maybe you should keep your tiny dick in your pants and avoid scarring anyone and everyone you happen to encounter, including your household family pet, you sick fuck.”

 

“Hey, hey,  _ hey _ ,” Miles says, throwing his hands up in surrender, “I was just kidding. I’m just saying I’d rather be locked up for bestiality than be a fa-”

 

“Oh, you’ll hate what fun they have in prison,” Kyle snipes back. 

 

There’s a cool silence that follows Kyle’s retort, almost potent enough to touch. 

 

If you were only to pay attention to Kyle, the interaction would seem entirely hostile, like an aggressor leading up to a fight -- however, from Miles’ side, the conversation seems like a walk in the park, like apologizing to a kid he knows he’s going to beat up again the next day anyway.

 

Lukas, at some point a few minutes ago, started getting angry. He didn’t really notice until this moment, during this silence, because his leg is bouncing uncontrollably and there’s no one around to even attempt to make it stop. He feels every muscle in his body tighten but he can’t even pinpoint why he’s so angry -- or why everyone else seems to suddenly care about Miles’ bullshit. Instead of saying anything rash, or punching someone he shouldn’t punch, Lukas decides to continue focusing on everyone else’s reactions. He figures it might come in handy if he ever tries to process what went on here again, not to mention it will probably distract him from putting his foot where a foot does not anatomically belong. 

 

After a brief moment of frantic looking, just in case, Lukas can’t see Philip in the cafeteria, as per usual. He doesn’t know why he looks, or what he feels when he doesn’t find the kid, but it just felt like what he was supposed to do. The tapping of his own foot is driving him insane, and Rose won’t be the one to stop it this time. Maybe he’s just looking for someone else to redirect his energy.

 

Somehow, the situation dissolves, but Kyle excuses himself from the table. His face is almost perfectly expressionless, and he says something about needing to work on a project with his group, or something. He sends a quick look at Rose before he leaves, though, one Lukas probably wouldn’t have caught on any other day. He can’t tell what it means, being a terrible people-reader and whatever, but it’s long enough that Lukas mentally makes a note of it in a section of his mind he’s probably going to immediately forget about. 

 

Once Kyle is gone, Rose states, “Forget the couples costume ideas, Lukas and I are on a break,” swiftly changing the focus of the conversation. She continues eating like she hasn’t just surprised the fuck out of the rest of their group, who have seen -- and gotten used to -- the idea of Lukas and Rose together for over two years now. When silence comes instead of an eruption of questions, Lukas can’t tell if he’s relieved, pleasantly surprised or downright terrified. It could mean any number of things and the majority of those things are not what he was expecting. Then again, social assessment is not the strongest of his suits.

 

“Sorry Lukas,” Miles says, smirk on his face, “even if you’re available now I still wouldn’t fuck you.”

 

Rose closes her eyes and breathes in slowly, looking pretty much on the verge of exploding, but she doesn’t say anything, and when her eyes open, she plasters a smile on her face and continues to look at her nachos.

 

Lukas barks a sharp laugh, one that holds no humour. “I’ll try not to cry myself to sleep tonight.”

 

A quick look in Austin’s direction shows that the kid is seriously being torn in two. He can’t seem to decide if he wants to try and be disgusting and funny with Miles, or be human with Rose. In the end, he seems to decide to stay silent, and Will is eerily quiet on the other side of Miles as well. Will looks down into his cereal, mirroring the way Rose looks, except almost more collected. Like he has the same ideas running through his head as her but thinks he might die if he couldn’t hold them in well enough.  _ Some Cheerios _ , Lukas thinks.

 

Miles seems to notice everyone’s reaction to him in a split second, and then turns to face Will. “Nothing? Look guys, I’m not a monster, I’m just saying-”

 

“Miles, I swear to God,” Rose says, finally looking up from her food, her head raising almost disturbingly slowly, “if you say one more word, you’re going to regret it.” She finally looks at him with the last phrase, and for a split second, Lukas sees Miles look almost… afraid, for what must be the first or second time ever. Rose’s voice is cool, sharp.

 

Lukas has never seen her like this, and Miles has said some crazy shit before. Maybe he crossed a line today that Lukas didn’t know Rose cared about, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what it is. She’s not gay, and she doesn’t have any pets. Not that Lukas is aware of, anyway.

 

Miles rolls his eyes and finally stands up from the bench. “Fine, Rosie, you win.” He tosses his lunch into the trashcan beside the table and says, as he leaves, “you guys are fuckin’ weird. I’ll be back when everyone’s untied their knickers.”

 

There’s a long silence, after he’s gone. It’s only Will, Austin, Rose and Lukas stuck at the table now, and the only particularly talkative one of any of them is Austin, but thinking about him rambling on for the rest of the lunch hour makes Lukas seriously consider a self-lobotomy. It’s a little awkward, maybe, but the rest of lunch is essentially uneventful. Will seems to keep making side-eyed looks over at Rose, which is interesting, because it’s not the same as how Kyle looked at her.

 

What’s the deal with Rose now? Will’s glances look almost like he’s praying she won’t notice, while also simultaneously begging her too -- also weird is the fact that he’s still here at all. Lukas honestly can’t remember the last time he saw Will without Miles within a four-foot vicinity, and for the first time the boy actually looks… almost exhausted.

 

By the time lunch ends, the rainy and grey atmosphere outside is perfectly reflective of the feeling of the environment inside the school, especially following the debacle at lunch. Lukas’ teacher in first period English class would be disappointed in him for not remembering the specific term, but there’s definitely a word to describe that.

 

Pathetic fallacy.

 

It doesn’t sound like it should be describing the weather.

 

Third period comes, bringing with it the more frustrating aspect of today’s events. It’s the class him and Philip are partners for, Chemistry, which also involves his least favourite teacher. Lukas has to admit, he does kind of have a weird and distant kind of respect for her, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be her friend. Just because she doesn’t take anyone’s shit (including his, and Local Class Clown Liam’s),  doesn’t make her his new favourite go-to pal.

 

The problem is not the class, nor what they’re learning about, because it’s not like Lukas actually ever pays attention anyway. No, the real problem is Philip, sitting beside him, occasionally brushing him with the side of his arm, or his leg, or his foot. Lukas thinks they definitely weren’t sitting close enough to touch each other before this point, because he  _ knows _ they would have gone insane if they had.

 

Hell, he’s going insane now.

 

Every touch, every time he feels Philip physically -- knows him as more than just as a presence, an idea -- beside him, Lukas thinks he might dissolve. It makes it that much harder to pay attention to the teacher at the front of the class, Mrs. Hughes, who is talking about their environmental projects once again. She’s checking progress, or something, telling them where they’re supposed to be at with their terrarium, but it all sounds like German coming out of her mouth compared to the language of sitting beside a boy he cannot touch. 

 

It’s almost worse than it was before, when Philip first showed up and Lukas hated him -- not that he doesn’t hate the kid anymore, because he  _ does _ , but they’re almost… at an understanding. They’re close to it, at the very least. Maybe it was what happened in the cabin, or the sheer amount of time they’ve spent together that has eased them into some kind of stalemate.

 

In any case, it’s a new aspect to their rivalry that does not ease any restlessness in Lukas’ chest, only amplifies it, gives it a new point of focus that resonates through the point of touch between himself and the boy beside him and echoes through the rest of his body. It’s a heat that reminds him too well of the feeling from the cottage, and he has to close his eyes and listen to the shrill voice of the teacher to force himself to focus on anything else.

 

Philip turns his head slightly in Lukas’ direction, not enough to look at him, just simply tilting his head an almost negligible amount. Just enough that Lukas knows, when he whispers, that it’s supposed to a comment for Lukas only. Although, maybe context would have given him that impression anyway. “You think she likes the sound of her own voice?”

 

Lukas’ first instinct is to not reply, to completely ignore what Philip has said to him so that it’s easier for him to end whatever is going on with them later that day. However, Lukas is also an expert in ignoring the little voice in his head that is probably much smarter than him, so the words are out of his mouth before he can focus on something else to keep his mouth shut.

 

“I think she thinks we like the sound of her voice,” Lukas says, whispered to the boy beside him, and Philip’s responding laugh is like a breeze in the spring. There’s no other way to describe it, it’s fresh air that carries pollen in it, like the first time Lukas lets the hens out of the coup every year in April. It’s probably because Lukas doesn’t feel like a sound like that, something so soft and warm, should be coming from a boy who’s a pretentious city asshole, and a nerd, and someone who has completely fucked his life up. It’s only a nice sound because it’s coming from a hated counterpart.

 

Philip attempts to contain his smile when he replies. “That would imply that she has any regard for our feelings,” he whispers, small smirk on his face, but he’s purposely not looking at Lukas.

 

Meanwhile Lukas is blatantly looking at him, and kind of staring at Philip’s mouth right now, because  _ Lukas’ mouth has been there _ , and maybe he should stop before someone gets suspicious. It’s just that the slight upturn of the corner of Philip’s mouth feels so out of place, not on his face but maybe in Lukas’ life, or in this classroom or this school or this town. Something about it feels like a glimpse of another world.

 

Lukas is going to have one hell of a time telling this kid no later.

 

It needs to be done, though, he tells himself, and after laughing quietly at Philip’s words, he doesn’t say anything in return. Philip speaks to him again, halfway through the class, but it’s only to relay instructions and start them working on that day’s exercise. 

 

Eventually fourth period rolls around, his Law class, where his seat is beside the window and Philip’s is directly across the room from him, four rows of desks separating them. Once again he pays little attention, instead choosing to focus his gaze outside. It gets boring after a while, and Lukas has to turn to a page in his book or something so he can give Mr. Kemp the respect of at least  _ pretending _ to listen to his class -- but his eyes get caught on Philip again, even though the kid is completely across the room from him.

 

Lukas hates the way he can immediately notice Philip, out of everyone in his class, but he refuses to dwell on it for long. It’s a side-effect of being nervous around Philip, from watching his own back and trying to make sure Philip doesn’t fuck something up for him. It’s a symptom of having an enemy.

 

When class ends, Lukas doesn’t wait. He practically rockets himself out of his seat to get to his locker and does his best to pretend he doesn’t see Philip’s stare follow him out of the room. Philip doesn’t follow him though, when they exit the classroom. He sends one last glance Lukas’ way that Lukas pretends not to notice, and then continues to his own locker down the far hall.

 

His text comes while Lukas is getting his helmet out of his locker.

 

_ Pick me up from Helen’s? _

 

Lukas has half a mind to tell him to fuck off, or that he isn’t doing anything for Philip ever, and his raw instincts yell at him to simply chuck his phone down the hallway and never pick it up again. He knows he needs to end whatever this is, though, and if he does it wrong it could end poorly. If Lukas ended it publicly by hitting Philip or something, Philip could tell the whole school what they’d done in the cabin. He needs Philip to know that he’s not into boys at all, that it was a one-time release of energy and that while they can keep their mouths shut and suck it up working on the project together, Lukas will never be his friend.

 

**See you at 4.**

 

*

 

By the time Lukas gets home, it’s already 3:30. Every other time he and Philip have met, they’ve done it in the evening, so when he thinks about it too hard Lukas can’t figure out why he said 4 instead of 6, or why Philip agreed. And when he thinks even harder, he starts to see something equal parts confusing and unappealing.

 

Lukas arrives in front of Helen’s house at ten after, but judging by Philip’s demeanor as he exits the house, he doesn’t really care about Lukas’ late arrival. He gives a quick nod in greeting before grabbing the second helmet from Lukas’ hands and climbing on the bike behind him. Philip doesn’t hesitate when he grips Lukas’ hips with sturdy fingers, and Lukas desperately ignores Philip’s chin resting on his shoulder.

 

When they get to the cabin, it’s silent. They've never been there together in unabashed broad daylight. It feels like a whole new level of vulnerability, when Lukas watches Philip step off the bike and remove his helmet. With the sun setting earlier and earlier every day, the light takes a darker golden shine as it hits the side of Philip’s face. It throws Lukas back to all the good weekends he used to spend at the cabin when his mother was alive and when the biggest issue Lukas had to worry about was whether they were eating fish for dinner  _ again.  _

 

Lukas forces himself to swallow the feeling, but then his eyes meet Philip’s and the urge to reach out and touch him seems impossible to ignore. There’s a small smirk on the boy’s face, like he knows exactly what Lukas is thinking and was banking on it. 

 

“You wanna work on the project?” Philip asks. He says it in a way that makes it feel like a last ditch resort -- not for Philip, but for Lukas. 

 

Philip’s words are an offer. It's an out, if Lukas wants it, but he seems to know Lukas’ answer before it even leaves his mouth. “Fuck no.”

 

Every reservation Lukas had before gets drowned in the feeling he gets when he pushes Philip into the cabin, screen door slamming behind them and kisses him into the wall to the left. He allows the taste of Philip’s tongue to wash out the bitterness of every thought that usually resides in his mouth. 

 

Philip smiles into his lips, something Lukas does his best to ignore, but he can't help moving his hands to Philip’s hips, pulling the boy’s lower half closer to Lukas’ own. With the force of the kiss Philip’s shoulders are still pressed against the wall, though his ass is no longer touching it, leaning back and pressing forward at the same time.

 

When Philip grinds up into Lukas’ hips, hands winding their way up into Lukas’ hair and pulling him down, opening his mouth further, deepening the kiss, Lukas feels all the air leave his lungs. Like if he were anywhere else in the world right now he'd pass out, like he's falling and everything is moving too fast for him to catch a breath, like time has slowed to the point that nothing else feels real except for the touch of the boy in front of him. 

 

Philip separates from the kiss to lean his head back, looking to the ceiling and sucking in a deep breath like he knows the feeling. His chest rises and falls with the hot breaths he takes and once more Lukas is unable to hold himself back from touching him. He makes quick work of pulling Philip’s jacket and t-shirt collar to the side, giving him room to kiss at the skin of Philip's neck. 

 

It’s only a moment before Lukas is instinctively tugging at Philip’s stupid fucking leather jacket again. Philip helps shake it to the floor, and then Lukas moves to Philip’s sweater, tugging at the hem and whispering, “Off,” before backing up and allowing Philip to strip the cloth from his chest. He doesn’t dawdle with his own shirt, exposing his bare chest without hesitation, and quickly moves back into Philip’s neck where it meets his shoulder.

 

A laugh starts and moves it's way up Philip’s chest. Lukas can feel it where they're pressed together, only separated by the thin layer of Philip’s t-shirt. He can't help but back up so he can see Philip’s face, the smile spread across his features as his light chuckle fills the room. He finally looks back at Lukas when he realizes that Lukas is looking at him. “What?” Lukas asks. It sounds shaky, breathy, uneven coming out of his mouth, but he can't force himself to care. 

 

“You're funny, Waldenbeck,” Philip replies, like it answers anything. He closes his eyes and chuckles again. 

 

Lukas leans back in, nosing behind Philip's ear, hands tightening on Philip’s hips and breathing him in. Philip looks back up towards the ceiling with a heavy breath and Lukas lets the words fall out on the exhale against Philip's skin, “Why do you say that?”

 

The laugh leaves Philip's voice just a little and he sucks in a sharp gasp as Lukas bites at tender skin. “You're very eager.” 

 

In response, Lukas pulls away and drops his hands from Philip’s hips, attempts to step back just to test Philip’s reaction. As soon as Philip realizes what Lukas doing -- or maybe a moment before -- his hands quickly reach for Lukas’ collar to hold him close. Their locked gaze quickly turns into one of challenge.

 

“If you want to stop this,” Lukas says, hands moving to grab Philip’s wrists at his chest, “then keep talking.”

 

Philip pointedly shuts his mouth. A small smile pulls at the corner of Philip’s lips despite his clear effort to hide it, but the challenge remains in his eyes, and his right eyebrow raises just a touch. 

 

“Better.” 

 

There’s barely a pause before they’re moving into each other again, Lukas’ hands moving Philip’s wrists to the wall, holding them on either side of his head. Philip lets Lukas hold him back, only pushing against his hands for a quick second before breathing a soft noise, almost whine, into Lukas’ mouth, and  _ oh.  _ That’s _ interesting. _

 

Lukas feels his hands tighten around Philip’s wrists and he bites the boy’s lower lip at the end of a kiss. Philip chuckles a little at Lukas’ physical response to the noise. “You kinky shit,” he whispers against Lukas’ lips.

 

“Shut  _ up _ ,” Lukas says in lieu of a proper reply, because he doesn’t want to know what that means. Not the word specifically, because he’s heard it from Rose and his friends before, but more like what it means for this situation. The situation where Lukas has pressed Newbie against the wall of the cabin, where he has the boy’s wrists pinned, where they’re both either bare-chested or close to it, where Philip just released a noise at this series of events and where Lukas  _ reacted _ to that. No, that’s not something he wants to dwell on right now. 

 

It’s then that Philip seems to get truly comfortable. Like he’s figured a piece of Lukas out and now has no reservations about acting on it. He tugs his hands from Lukas’ grip, reaching up to pull Lukas in by the back of his neck, shamelessly grinding up into Lukas’ hips until Lukas can’t help but let out a hiss of breath. Philip smiles against his mouth again, pushing away from the wall and moving them both, almost without separating, toward the bed on the other side of the small cabin. 

 

Lukas allows himself to be walked back even as Philip parts from the kiss. He’s a little surprised by the sudden movement from Philip, who coerces him to back up again with a small push to Lukas’ chest. Lukas stumbles backward a few steps again until he’s falling back onto the bed and can’t help the smirk that spreads across his face. 

 

Philip finally strips off his t-shirt while Lukas scales up the bed to the headboard. He only needs to wait a few moments before Philip follows him down onto the bed, crawling up the bed, over Lukas’ body and kissing him into the pillow. The cabin feels hot even without a shirt, even nearing winter when it should be chilly, and Lukas can feel them both breathing heavy as Philip moves to straddle Lukas on the bed.

 

Lukas’ pants are tight when Philip grabs his hands by the wrists. Philip moves and pins them down onto the pillow on either side of Lukas’ head with his weight, mirroring the position from moments before. It’s such a Philip thing to do -- to show that he can give as much as he gets. 

 

When Philip kisses him again, teeth catching on Lukas’ lip, still pinning his hands down, Lukas can’t help the sound that makes its way out of his throat. “Fuck,” Lukas hisses when Philip pulls away to sit up, his weight transferring from his hands to his ass where he’s sat on Lukas’ lower stomach. He lets his hands drag down from Lukas’ wrist to his chest as he rocks back to sit up straight.

 

“I think you’ve said more words to me in the past ten minutes than in the past three weeks combined,” Philip muses, smirk on his face. There’s something behind it though, something that Lukas can’t place and maybe Philip doesn’t want him to.

 

Lukas rolls his eyes only semi-seriously. He can feel Philip against his stomach where the boy is straddling him and it’s driving him insane. “I haven’t said much.”

 

“Exactly,” Philip says.

 

“We talk in class more than this.”

 

Philip smiles a little, almost hungry. “Are you saying I’ve managed to shut you up?”

 

“I’m just saying you’re wrong,” Lukas says back, keeping the laugh out of his tone. Joking seems a little too close to something personal.

 

Philip hums, almost, in consideration. “Attention then. You’d never look at me twice in class, but here we are.”

 

For some reason, this crosses a line for Lukas. It makes him angry, and confused, and he has no clue how to reply to it in a way that doesn’t make him sound like an idiot or a douchebag. Instead of replying immediately, Lukas grips Philip’s shoulders where they meet his arms and rolls them over, landing with Philip on his back and Lukas hovering over him between his thighs. “Stop talking,” he says, calculated but not, focusing on Philip’s face and the heat between them when he leans in instead of whatever they were just talking about. “Or I’ll never look at you twice again.”

 

Lukas moves back in closer to Philip but the pause for speech has given him room to doubt again. He doesn’t want to question, or worry about, or stop what he’s doing with Philip right now, but the fact that he doesn’t want to do those things is worrying in itself. Philip is right. He came to the cabin today with one purpose -- to make sure Philip knew something like this couldn’t happen again -- and yet it has. 

 

And Lukas doesn’t want it to stop.

 

He considers backing up again, getting up and walking away, actually sticking to what his plan was for today; but the thought stirs uneasily in his head, and words turn to dust in his mouth. As much as Lukas thinks he should, he’s unable to leave.

 

“Yeah,” Philip scoffs, “that’s likely.” 

 

For a moment, Lukas is paralyzed again. It’s the worst thing Philip could have possibly said following his own internal monologue, and it’s as infuriating as it is confusing. Lukas’ brain almost short-circuits trying to figure out what the  _ hell _ that could possibly mean.

 

Then Philip has his hands in Lukas’ hair again and pulls him down with an urgency that seems contagious. Philip kisses every thought of escape out of Lukas’ mouth, who (for right now) refuses to complain about it, and Lukas resolves to simply think about it later. While he’s here he may as well bask in the feeling in his stomach that’s only  _ slightly _ uncomfortable instead of obsessing over why it exists or what’s causing it (other than the obvious, which is Philip’s tongue literally in Lukas’ mouth). 

  
Thinking can wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: there is a suggested homophobic slur in this chapter -- while it's not said in it's full form, it is implied. prepare urself accordingly if u need to! 
> 
> THANKS FOR READING! 
> 
> it might take me a while to push out the next chapter again because i'm also working on my own book, as well as fanfiction for all for the game (the foxhole court series i was talking about before), but i'm going to do my best!! please hang in there, i'm not abandoning this fic anytime soon ~
> 
> as usual, i love comments/criticisms. i love to hear what y'all think it's the best part of writing for me!!! i hope you liked it and please feel free to message me on tumblr if you want to be friends as well!!!
> 
> tumblr: grimegarage


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. hi. hello. it's been a long time, and i'm very very sorry for that. i've been really busy, stuff you guys probably don't care much about so i won't go into details, but i'm here now!!! i'm doing my best!!!! i've got my socks on and i'm ready to party!!!!
> 
> here's the thing: often when i don't write for a while, or when it takes me weeks or months to finish one section of a fic, it gets to be kind of choppy and a little unfocused. its a symptom of a problem i have where i HATE scrapping entire sections, so i don't erase and rewrite, i only try and power through from where i was. that means this chapter might be a bit bumpy to read, it might not have a lot of action in it and it might have inconsistencies, so BEWARE, you've been warned :) there also isn't much philip in this chapter, sorry :(
> 
> other than that, i HAVE NOT gone through and edited this chapter. at all. i finished it about two minutes ago, seriously, and i went immediately here to post. as always, PLEASE point out any inconsistencies, grammar or spelling mistakes that bug you.
> 
> thank you to everyone who has stuck around and waited for me. i know it's hard, but thank you for not giving up. i promise i haven't abandoned this fic yet!!! enjoy.

Lukas lowers himself down onto Philip’s chest, arms bracketing Philip’s head on the pillow underneath them. It’s a ratty bed, and the pillows aren’t really the kind you’d want to sleep on, and more like scratchy yarn pillows you’d throw on a grandmother’s couch -- even the mattress itself is more like a thin cot, so it’s not the most comfortable, but Lukas barely notices. By Philip’s face, it doesn’t look like he’s paying much attention either.

 

They move in unison against each other on the bed, quick and heavy breaths between them. Philip’s hands wrap around to the small of Lukas’ back and then down to his ass, slipping into the back pockets of Lukas’ jeans and tugging him in. The force of the action sends a hot rush to Lukas’ stomach, and he grinds against Philip, who gasps into Lukas’ mouth in response and uses his hands to encourage Lukas to repeat the movement.

 

It’s clear they’re both hard in their jeans. 

 

He’d ignore it if he could, but Lukas can’t stop the building tension, sliding his hips against Philip’s and reveling in the feeling. Philip’s mouth is hot on his own, and there’s an increasing urgency in both of their movements.

 

Lukas has done absolutely none of what he came here to do, including any work on their project -- which is the only reason they’re here together at all --  _ and _ making sure Philip never tries to kiss him again. And yet here they are, grinding against each other, swearing into each other’s mouths, both supporting unquestionable boners. 

 

How did this happen? How did Lukas let it happen?

 

“You’re thinking too much,” Philip says, lips brushing against Lukas’ own, their foreheads pressed together. Lukas can’t remember separating from Philip’s mouth, but judging by their position they’ve resting like this for a few seconds at least, catching their breaths. But Philip’s words aren’t really a demand; they’re softer than that. Almost a question.

 

Lukas feels his gut twist. He rocks back to kneel upright, pulling himself away from Philip, but the boy just props himself up on his elbows to follow. “We should be working,” Lukas replies. He keeps his voice as even and as neutral as possible, but he’s not sure how good of a job he does and Philip’s face gives him no hints.

 

After a brief moment of Philip studying Lukas, Philip smiles. It’s not hungry like it was before, and there’s no smugness to it either. It’s small, understanding -- understanding something in Lukas’ tone or words or face or actions that Lukas doesn’t even understand himself. “Okay,” Philip says, easy, like it’s _that_ _easy_. Like they can just ignore what they were just doing and dive into biosciences and a stupid little glass terrarium that they’ve probably already killed at this point.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Okay,” Philip repeats.

 

Lukas nods. He swallows and looks down for a moment at the boy positioned under him. His gut twists again, an uneasy roll that’s equal parts panic and something entirely different. “Okay,” Lukas agrees. In all honesty, he’s a little confused about everything that just happened, and a part of him is almost… disappointed about it.

 

When Philip reaches out to grab his bag from the floor, which probably has his books, he gives Lukas a chaste kiss on the way by. It’s only a peck, and there’s no real reason for it except that they’re close to each other and  _ why not _ , but it’s nice. It doesn’t send the same electricity through Lukas’ bones; instead it pools in his chest, warm but not hot.

 

The heat of the moment slowly subsides and they set up to do their work as usual. Sitting side by side on the bed, leaning back against the window, their arms still brush together casually. It’s hard to get work done like this, but there wasn’t much to do in the first place. Lukas saw an excuse to get out of being so vulnerable, so he took it -- it had nothing to do with how much shit they had to get done. 

 

In fact, they were just here a few days ago. In theory they shouldn’t have any work to do, but Philip plays along.

 

This time is different from every other time they’ve worked together on an assignment. Last time, they essentially just tried to get work done in between making out; this is much more casual, much more comfortable. Philip doesn’t hesitate to rest a hand on Lukas’ thigh while they work, and even though it’s not an invitation to go back to making out, Lukas is hyper-aware of it anyway, the layer of jean separating Philip’s hand from Lukas’ skin doing almost nothing to dull the sensitivity of the touch.

 

The weight is unusual -- no matter how long Lukas dated Rose, it never really seemed to register much with him when she did something like that. Maybe Lukas has just become so used to her presence that none of her actions can startle him anymore.

 

There’s a flaw in that argument, though, and Lukas knows it. He shouldn’t be comparing Philip to Rose at all, and he shouldn’t be thinking about how much more electric even the smallest of Philip’s touches have been in relation to Rose’s. Lukas dated Rose for years, and will probably return to doing so as soon as this weird period in Lukas’ life has passed. She’s his girlfriend; Philip is practically an enemy at this point -- why would he ever compare them as though they’re on the same level?

 

Philip is nothing. A glitch in the matrix. Their -- whatever this is -- is only a symptom of stress and confusion and hatred. Lukas has never been attracted boys, has never before had a desire to be into boys. He couldn’t be gay. Even if he felt some attraction to boys, he’d train it out of himself. He  _ can’t _ be, he  _ wouldn’t _ .

 

Even so, there’s something about being alone in the same room with Philip that makes Lukas calmer. There's no more urgency in his irritation, less aggression. He can't even say he hates it because he doesn't have the energy to. In class, sure, it's annoying as hell. But this is now his third week in a row hanging with Philip and their co-existence has become not only manageable but calming. That thought alone should be unsettling, but instead Lukas eases into his place beside Philip and feels nothing close to aggression at all.

 

They work for a while, in a comfortable silence, until they decide it’s time to go, and the same hyper-awareness of Philip’s touch from before radiates from the boys hands around his waist as they ride.

 

Once Lukas is comfortable back at home, he allows himself to think about everything that happened at the cabin. There are not one but  _ multiple _ issues bouncing against the walls of his head that he’s going to have to deal with eventually, and with the peaceful calm still washed over him, he decides he may as well take advantage of it.

 

He can no longer say he doesn’t like doing what he does with Philip. He can hate the guy as much as he wants, and he’s  _ not gay,  _ he _ isn’t, _ but there’s no denying that it’s at least fun to get the energy out. It isn’t as though Lukas has to worry about whether Rose might think of it as cheating anymore, so that’s not much of an issue. That’s not to say  _ he _ considers it cheating though, because it doesn’t mean anything. Lukas has somehow found a way to release pent up energy without bruising his knuckles, so maybe that’s a good thing.

 

It’s also clear that Philip likes doing it with him. That must mean the kid is gay. Lukas has never had a problem with gay guys, or girls for that matter, and just because he _isn’t_ and _can’t_ _be_ doesn’t mean shit for Philip.

 

Lukas decides that’s a secret he’s willing to keep. No matter how much he dislikes the boy, he wouldn’t share something like that with anyone unless Philip had already done so himself -- the thought of revealing information like that to Miles specifically makes Lukas’ skin crawl, and he can’t manage to push down the overwhelming need to punch Miles. Lukas may not be particularly fond of Philip, but he knows he would hate if someone like Rose had gone around and told everyone when his mom died. It’s something you need to do yourself.

 

So maybe it’s fine to continue whatever it is that they have going. Lukas clearly can’t force himself to stop yet, so why not have fun with it? Philip isn’t going to tell anyone because it would mean admitting he’s gay, and that doesn’t seem like something he’s interested in doing just yet. They could just keep this up as a short-term way to get rid of useless energy. No one is getting hurt, Lukas isn’t dating Rose anymore, and Philip seems to enjoy it as much as him. Just because they loathe each other doesn’t mean that they can’t have a little fun sometimes, right? No harm, no foul.

 

Lukas’ father’s voice rings from downstairs. He’s made dinner for once, instead of buying the frozen microwaveable shit, and seems intent on having dinner with his son tonight. It’s a little strange, but Lukas isn’t one to tell his father no, either, so he pulls himself out of bed and heads for the stairs.

 

He’s almost thankful for the distraction, even if it means eating a bit of an awkward dinner with his father. If he had stayed in his room there’s no telling how long he would sit there and just go over things in his head until his mental pacing ran lines into the floor of his mind. It’s better to let the world keep him moving, to allow him to forget, to at least give him some semblance of progress so he can stop feeling like everything is standing still. Lukas runs a hand through his hair, sitting down for a mostly-silent meal with his father.

 

The rest of the night passes slowly, and Lukas’ sleep is interrupted and choppy. He opens his window again, allowing the cold air to flow into the room, and for the first time in a long time, doesn’t hold back any feelings about his mother. It’s the middle of the night and no one can hear him. No one has to know.

  
  


*

 

The next morning is blissfully bland and boring, and while Lukas feels a certain indescribable sense of satisfaction, there’s something that feels like it’s missing, too. At this point, Lukas should have no qualms -- he worked everything out last night. He has a plan. So why does it feel flat?

 

He arrives to school on time, but he doesn’t spare Philip a glance as he walks by, and if Philip notices his ignorance, it doesn’t seem like he particularly cares. The only notable event of the day, apart from the glances Philip keeps sending him across the room every time they’re in class together -- which Lukas dutifully ignores, as per usual -- is a conversation with Lukas’ friends that happens at lunch. 

 

It’s Friday, which means real Halloween is the coming Wednesday and the party is a week from today. There isn’t much else going on at school or in social groups that they can gossip about, which means the school-wide party next weekend is essentially the only topic of conversation. Often different groups have their own small parties to go to, but Will explains over lunch that one of the guys from the rugby team has decided to host essentially the entire grade.

 

It’s difficult for Lukas to focus, with a thousand things on his mind and not a single person in the room he can rely on to pay attention for him, but he gets most of the information just fine. He’s never been great at multitasking but looking for a familiar head of hair in the lunchroom is now habit, and thankfully it doesn’t distract him too much from the conversation.

 

“Who’s invited?” Rose asks as Lukas pulls his gaze back to the people in front of him. He knows the search is pointless now anyway -- he’s already figured out where Philip goes every day at lunch, and he’s not about to go join the kid in the stalls out of the goodness of his heart.

 

Will, beside Rose, just shrugs. “Everyone from the grade, I guess, plus a few from other years. Aaron’s rich, it’s not like he’s going to run out of food or space for people.”

 

“Yeah,” Kyle laughs, from the other side of Rose. “Guy could host the entire city of Tivoli if he wanted to.”

 

It’s then, of course, that an otherwise pretty amicable conversation turns sour. Lukas had barely noticed who was sitting at the table with him up until this point, too distracted by everything else going on (including what’s in his head), but Miles approaching is interesting enough to grab his attention again. Lukas hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t here originally, but now it seems odd.

 

“Talking about the party?” he says as opening, leaning on his hands at the end of the table like the sight of him doesn’t give the rest of the group an unpleasant taste in their mouths. “Heard it’s going to be a complete banger. Rose, you given any more consideration to those costume ideas I suggested?”

 

An entirely deadly look shoots across the table, but Miles just moves swiftly on.

 

It doesn’t really make sense to Lukas. They all endured Miles over the past school year and more. He had always been mostly tolerable, but for some reason Lukas knows that now he isn’t the only one who wants him gone. Quite suddenly, Miles went from “unpleasant occasionally but still a good time” across the line and well into “pretty much intolerable.” 

 

Even Will looks uncomfortable, and it’s clear he’s trying not to look in Miles’ direction, but Kyle isn’t so shy. “Hey, it’s Mr. Homophobe! How are ya, Miles?”

 

“Great, thanks,” Miles said, moving his eyes from Rose to Lukas and brushing off Kyle’s comment like a particularly annoying fly. “I'm pumped for the weekend, can't wait to see Lukas drunk again. Last time you tried to ride your bike across the lawn, remember?”

 

The look Rose shoots him is nearly as deadly as the one she threw at Miles just minutes before, but she seems less angry and more irritated. After that party, Lukas told her he had said no to everyone who was egging him on, and technically he hadn’t lied. They wanted him to ride it right into Ahmed’s pool, but instead he only rode across the lawn. If anything, she should be thankful.

 

“Did he?” Rose says, through clenched teeth, a grin that isn’t entirely pleasant. “Well, I’m sure you’ll manage to say something stupid as always, Miles. Maybe I’ll get it on video this time.”

 

Despite the venom in Rose’s voice, Miles laughs like it’s a friendly joke, like he doesn’t register that she’s not being nice to him. “Hey, that joke was funny last time! You guys are just too uptight,” he says, standing in a way that makes it clear he feels no shame.

 

“It was anti-semitic at the very least,” Kyle replies. His voice is somehow less friendly than Rose’s.

 

“Whatever.” 

 

The looks shared by Rose and Kyle from across the table seem somehow both simple and incredibly complex at the same time. She stares at him for a brief moment, then looks down, and Kyle tries to hide a small smile over shared attitudes. At least that’s how Lukas interprets what happens. He’s not completely sure -- if they were speaking, it would be in at least three different languages that Lukas has no knowledge of.

 

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Miles says, continuing to speak despite the fact that even the boy who used to cheer him on, Will, is now wildly uncomfortable with his appearance. “I’ve got gossip. Shove over, Austin.”

 

Austin complies, but not without a moment’s hesitation and a sharp look at everyone else at the table.

 

Miles smiles, and then leans right into where he’s unwelcome. “Atta boy.  _ So _ \-- I heard that the chick from the coffee shop is one of those freaks with her tits pierced.”

 

There’s a collective, audible sigh from the entire table that seems to sink right into the floor. Miles barely notices, intent on getting the reaction he wants from them, but it seems like none of them are willing to give it to him eagerly, not even Will. 

 

“Who gives a shit, dude,” Kyle says, rolling his eyes, and it feels like his smile from silently communicating with Rose never existed in the first place.

 

Lukas gives a similar sigh while Rose rubs at her temples, but from a quick glance it looks like Austin and Will are having a harder time holding back. 

 

“ _ Cool _ ,” Austin says finally, unable to stop himself any longer, and Rose’s eyes roll backward right into her skull. He looks around the table for approval, because he’s always searching for it, but Lukas refuses to give him any and the others follow suit. It would be asking for a week’s load of hell, not only from Austin himself but Miles as well, who would take it as agreement with him, too.

 

Miles sighs pointedly in Austin’s direction. “No, not ‘ _ cool _ ,’ she’s probably like, a prostitute from Mexico or something.” His upper lip pulls up when he laughs at his own joke, like a dog baring its teeth, and logically Lukas shouldn’t be able to smell the guys breath but something stinks anyway. Miles has been growing rapidly more distasteful in the past few days alone, but Lukas has been on edge around him for the past few weeks, even before the grosser comments. It seems like maybe everyone else has caught up on Lukas’ irritation with him. “Either that, or she’s a raging lesbo.”

 

“Miles, for the love of Christ,” Kyle says, shooting him a look, “are you waiting for a laugh? You’re not going to get any here! Go away! Take your jokes and search for approval with the rich white guys in Texas or something, we don’t want them here.”

 

Where there should be some blush of shame, or a look of anger in confrontation or  _ something _ , Miles only chuckles. “Such party poopers! I’m only kidding, you don’t have to take it so seriously.”

 

With that, Lukas gets up from the table. Maybe on another day he’d sit and wait it out, or join in on asking Miles to leave, or maybe he’d clock him right there in the lunchroom with everyone watching. But today, he can’t do it. He has a thousand things on his mind that shouldn’t be there anymore, things like Rose and school status and Philip and kissing Philip and hating Philip and not hating Philip and when he’s going to see Philip next and whether he’s dreading or counting down the minutes until then. None of these are thoughts that are particularly compatible with the ones Miles happens to be spilling in casual conversation.

 

Rose seems concerned for a moment, but quickly turns her attention back to the rest of the group when Austin says something to defend himself. In all honesty, Lukas highly doubts Austin is a bad kid. He’s probably just used to being a sheep, has had “follower” ingrained in his social identity for so long that it’s just survival instinct now. “Follow whoever has the most power socially or physically and maybe you’ll survive.” It’s worked for this long, so maybe the kid’s onto something.

 

The rest of the day could have gone as per usual. Lukas heads to the bathroom or outside, probably runs into Philip at some point because the kid is still eating his lunches in the third stall on the right. He’d go to class, try and pay attention to the words from his teacher instead of a boy beside him, go home, go to sleep, dream of things he won’t remember.

 

But then Miles opens his mouth again.

 

If he could have just kept it closed, maybe Lukas wouldn’t be in this situation.

 

Truthfully, Lukas doesn’t remember what Miles said that set him off. Some completely idiotic stream of words designed to get a rise out of anyone within earshot, no doubt, but specifics are blurry. All Lukas knows is that it was directed at Rose, and it was something she never needed to hear -- not from Miles or anyone else on the planet.

 

Lukas whips around to look at the group again, everyone frozen in place -- like you almost have to be after words like that. He scans his friends, looking for reactions, but as soon as he sees the look on his ex-girlfriend’s face, it’s game over. He directs his attention to Miles and only Miles, and manages to say, “Oh, you’re going to regret saying that,” before knocking the boy to the lunchroom floor.

  
  


*

 

It’s not a surprise when Lukas ends up in the principal’s office. Maybe irritating or frustrating, but not exactly a surprise. No matter what shit was ejecting out of Miles’ toilet-mouth, you can’t clock someone in the middle of the lunchroom and expect to get away with it. Even while connecting his knuckles with the jaw of the garbage-spewing machine, Lukas probably knew (somewhere deep down) that this was the logical consequence of his actions -- and that the conclusion to the situation probably wasn’t going to be any prettier.

 

He just couldn’t find it in himself to care at the time. At that point being sent to the principal was about three points high on a list of importance that had “shutting Miles up” at point 800.

 

The first set of problems arise when Lukas remembers where he lives -- that this is a small town, run by small-town people, with small-town parents and small-town views. The principles of the community are every bit as old-fashioned as the man in front of him; probably the most open-minded people over the age of 40 are the new Sheriff and her husband, and that’s because they moved in from the city. 

 

(Even then, it’s not like Lukas is particularly familiar with their morals or values -- he’s only met them a handful of times, and only in passing when he was rushing to get out of Philip’s unpleasant company.

 

Because when Philip’s company  _ is _ pleasant, his foster parents  _ definitely _ are not there.)

 

With the principal believing the things he does, it’s hard to convince him that the ass-kicking in question was not only justified, but deserved and should have been expected. It doesn’t matter how many times Lukas insists over and over again that the words that came out of Miles’ mouth were completely vile. The principal doesn’t understand (nor does he care) about the hundreds of years of history that make what Miles said repulsive. 

 

(If he’s being honest, Lukas didn’t really understand until Rose explained it to him one day either. It took quite a while, too, but she was patient with him even when she didn’t have to be.)

 

The next issue on the list is that Principal Hugget doesn’t seem to feel the need to call Miles in. No, regardless of what Lukas tells him, Hugget believes the problem is at the fault of Lukas alone. The subsequent problem is that isn’t true -- no, Rose is also on the list of people at fault according to Hugget, which is fucked in a myriad of different ways when you actually think about it. Rose doesn’t seem to mind though, when she’s called in, and is unhesitating when she backs up Lukas’ story.

 

Perhaps the worst part about that moment is that she doesn’t even seem phased, barely irritated let alone angry. Just like Lukas, this moment doesn’t come as a surprise to her -- and on some level, Lukas considers that maybe she wasn’t surprised by Miles’ words either.

 

It takes the rest of the day for Hugget to decide what to do.

 

Lukas doesn’t attend his afternoon classes, instead parks himself on the bench near the office doors as instructed. If he has permission to stay there and not try and focus on work, he’s going to take it. And as much as he’d love to get out of there and go for a ride or something to clear his head, he’s more willing than he’s ever been to follow orders this time. He’s not going to let Principal Hugget write off this incident because Lukas decided to be a delinquent today.

 

Eventually Miles is called in. On some level, Lukas thought maybe he’d be left out of it altogether, maybe Hugget had decided it wasn’t worth it to call in the other member of the fight.

 

(Although it wasn’t really a fight at all. Miles had pretty much gone down on the first hit and then it was game over. What Lukas hadn’t been expecting was support from nearly everyone who was watching, apart from some calculated silence from Will and hesitation from Austin.)

 

In any case, Miles comes in, and for a moment Lukas wonders if they’re going to have a problem. After all, Lukas did punch the kid out, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he wanted to go for round two or wasn’t particularly friendly toward Lukas. 

 

That’s not what happens, though. When Miles enters the main office and notices that Lukas is sitting on the bench there, the look he gives isn’t angry or irritated at all. Instead Miles smirks at him, in a way that says “Hey, nice punch.” It’s almost a smirk. Lukas doesn’t actually know how to respond, so he doesn’t, and by the time he thinks to maybe smile back or give him a sneer, the boy is already in the principal’s private office.

 

It’s not until he’s actually gone from Lukas’ sight and Hugget has closed the door that Lukas reconsiders the look.

 

Perhaps it was less of a friendly look of approval and more of a shit-eating grin. Maybe it was actually saying “There’s no way you’re coming out of this on top.” There’s a pretty large chance that Lukas hasn’t given Miles enough credit, that he’s better than Lukas at social interaction and manipulating authority figures.

 

Maybe Lukas should be worried.

 

After Miles leaves the office, not even bothering to spare Lukas a glance this time, Hugget calls him back in. In the end, he’s given a day’s suspension and is instructed to go to detention for a week after his return. It takes a while, but after bugging Hugget for an update on Miles and whether he’s going to see any punishment, the principal tells Lukas that’s going to be cleaning graffiti off the walls of the bathroom after school that day.

 

The only consolation is that Rose doesn’t get in any trouble. With the way their town runs and the state of the high school, Lukas wouldn’t have been surprised if she somehow got dragged into punishments too, so he shoots her a text, but she replies that she’s fine. He updates her on his situation and Miles’, but she responds only with “hmm” and doesn’t text him again.

 

It takes until Lukas gets on his bike and begins to head home for the whole situation to hit him, full impact. 

 

He’s not only going to have to stay in his house, all alone the next day, but he’s going to have to tell his father he got suspended too. That means he won’t even be able to ride because he’ll probably be grounded, and with his father staying at home to watch him, it’ll be hell. There’s only so much you can do at home to entertain yourself. Then again, maybe the day away from everything will give him time to rest his head and think a little. 

 

After that, it’s detention for a week, probably alone. If Miles’ only punishment is cleaning the bathroom stalls, then at least he won’t have to deal with trying to either make amends or hold back from decking him again for something stupid. An hour or two alone after school every day may give him more time than he needs to be alone and think, but it’ll also give him time to catch up on work, as much as he hates the thought of doing so. 

 

When he finally gets home, Lukas does his best to sneak by his dad, but it’s a pointless effort. The school has clearly already called him because he waits for Lukas at the dinner table.

 

“So you got suspended,” he says, in typical Bo voice that could mean anything. It’s at once both suspicious and calculated, the same voice he would use to accuse Lukas of forgetting to lock up the hens the night before.

 

Lukas sighs, putting his bag down beside the door. He doesn’t move over to the table to sit, instead choosing to lean on the wall beside the stairs. “It’s only a day.”

 

His father only hums, again an unreadable reaction. “I heard you got in a fight.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you win?” There’s a careful edge to his voice when he asks, one that Lukas is terrible at placing.

 

He only shrugs. If he sounds too proud of himself, Bo might be harder on him for it -- but if he tells his dad he lost, or didn’t try hard enough, he’ll be a disappointment. “It wasn’t much of a fight, I only hit him once and he went down.”

 

Bo hums again, nodding. “Why’d you punch him?”

 

“He called Rose something awful. I couldn’t sit around while he was saying stuff like that.”

 

There’s a bit of a pause while Bo considers, his face scrunching up a little. Either he’s deciding what to do with his son or he’s trying to figure out what happened. After a moment, he finally speaks, and he says the very last words Lukas was expecting to hear, ones he’s probably only heard once or twice in his life from the man at the table.

 

 

 

“I’m proud of you, son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thanks for reading!! i hope it was somewhat satisfying to finally get another chapter. feel free to comment with critiques or ideas, i'm always open to improve.
> 
> i also wanted to say a special thank you to you guys, the readers and the people who comment and find me on tumblr and motivate me to write. i cannot possibly put into words how incredible you guys are, how floored i am that you enjoy this fic so much, how blown away i am by your willingness to wait. i've been honoured and humbled by so many of your comments. i love you guys so much. please continue to stay by this fic and help me be a better writer!!
> 
> tumblr: grimegarage


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